Which In The Clover Dwell
by Quarter Past Wonderful
Summary: The story of the friendship and eventual love of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Takes place from Marauders Era to Deathly Hallows, and is realistic to the books. Wolfstar.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Remus and Sirius are my favorite Harry Potter couple ever. And what do you do when you love a pairing? You write a fanfic about it, of course! So that's what I'm doing. Not only is this story going to be about Remus and Sirius, but also Tonks, later on - I've always been curious to see what would happen if Tonks was thrown into the Remus/Sirius mix, and now I've got the chance to see what happens. I'm sure the writing is a little crude, seeing as I'm not a very good writer, but I'm trying my best and hopefully I'll get better by the end of this story. This is going to be a decently sized story, but I'll try not to make it tedious. Also, this story is going to contain spoilers for all of the books up to Deathly Hallows: you've been warned! I'm trying to make this story as realistic to the books as possible, so you'll probably read a few scenes that seem familiar. Please read and review, and I'll love you forever - constructive criticism is great. And last, I'm going to try and write this out at a steady rate, but I'm a busy, lazy, and generally forgetful person. Emails and reviews will go a long way to inspire me, please note (; **

**This first chapter or two is just setting everything up, so it doesn't really get into any relationship stuff yet - hopefully it's not too boring. Enjoy! ****(by the way, you get major bonus points if you can tell what the title is from)  
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**I just realized that I uploaded this on Valentine's Day! I suppose that's awfully fitting, since this is supposed to be a romance-type story.

**All characters created and owned by J.K. Rowling.**

--

Remus Lupin looked up nervously at the enormous, scarlet steam engine that was belching thick, black smoke, and then around at the crowded station, which was bustling with young witches and wizards, some of which who were filing onto the afore mentioned train, others who were waving goodbye to parents or siblings, and then finally up at his parents, who were smiling kindly down back at him. His father gave him a small nudge.

"You're going to love Hogwarts, Remus. I know I did," his father said, managing to hide an anxious look behind an encouraging smile. Remus knew the reason for his father's uncertainty, and his stomach gave a funny sort of jolt. _What if the other kids think I'm a freak? What if they figure out I'm a werewolf? What if I eat someone?_ His eyes darted nervously to his mother, who pulled him close to her and hugged her only son tightly. "I'm so proud of you, Rem. You're going to be the best wizard in all of the school." He let himself be comforted by his mother for a moment, and then pulled away from her. Putting on a brave face, Remus let out a sort of grimace at his parents, and then grabbed his trolley.

"I'll miss you," he said desperately. "I'll write every day. And every night." He took a step away from them, and then blurted out, "I love you!" before turning and running towards the Hogwarts Express, dragging his heavy trunk behind him. Remus looked around for an empty compartment, and when he finally spotted one, he clambered up the stairs and turned to pull his trunk up. After much struggling and grunting, and the help of his father, who, it turned out, had followed him up to the train, he managed to get his things secured in the empty compartment and then settled into one of the seats. His father had murmured more words of encouragement to him and then had set off back towards his wife, who looked slightly tearful. The train started to move, slowly at first, and then with a great sort of wheeze it picked up speed and raced away, leaving platform nine and three-quarters behind. Remus waved goodbye to his parents through the window and watched them fade away, and then was left alone with his trunk and fluttering stomach.

Not for long, though, because after a few moments the compartment door slid open and a witch peered through the glass entrance. She was very pretty, with dark red hair and beautiful green eyes, although she looked miserable and close to tears. "D'you... Do you mind if I sit in here?" she asked softly. "Everywhere else is full."

Remus shook his head, unable to think of something to say. He had never really spoken to other children before, not really having the chance, lacking siblings. His parents hadn't been too keen on letting other children near their son either, what with Remus being a werewolf. The girl stepped into the compartment and pulled her trunk in after her, then stored it next to her and went to sit by the window. She went to the far end of the seat Remus was on and sat down. Wondering if he should say anything, Remus opened his mouth, but then closed it again as she let out a small sob.

He was spared from having to say anything at all by the compartment door opening again. This time two boys walked in, one of them carrying a beautiful brown tawny owl. "Can we sit in here?" one of them asked, and again Remus nodded. They both filed in, stored their stuff up top, and then one sat opposite Remus, and the other next to him. The boy who had spoken had messy black hair and glasses that hid hazel eyes, and he peered first at Remus, and then at the girl, and then at Remus again. Remus suddenly felt self-conscious under his gaze, and quickly turned to look at the other boy, the one who had sat next to him. This one also had black hair, but it was longer and more elegant, and his face, although round with boyish softness, hinted at hard, aristocratic angles. He looked up, and Remus saw that he had pale grey eyes. The boy looked at Remus, studying his anemic, tired-looking face and brown hair streaked lightly with grey, and gave him an easy smile. "I'm Sirius. Sirius Black."

Remus gave a hesitant smile back and then finally found his voice. "My name's Remus Lupin."

The boy with glasses looked at the pair of them and then introduced himself as well, saying, "I'm James Potter." James then glanced over at the redheaded girl, as if hoping she would be interested, but she had turned to face the window, tears running down her cheeks. Frowning, James looked as though he was going to say something, but then Sirius captured his attention. "You going to show me that broom, or what?"

James turned away from the girl and grinned at Sirius. "Yeah, 'course I am." He reached up for his trunk and fumbled around in it, eventually pulling out a handsome, if slightly battered broom. The other boy let out a low whistle of admiration, and Remus craned his neck to see it better. "It's a Silver Arrow," said James proudly. "It's a favorite for the world cup!"

The two began to talk about Quidditch, something Remus knew a little of from his father. James was just saying that he planned on trying out for Chaser when Remus finally found the nerve to speak up. "I thought... can't first years not be on the team?"

James looked at Remus with notice for the first time. Then he cracked a smile. "Yeah, but I'm going to make them let me on the team. Just wait," He said confidently. "I'll out fly all of 'em." Sirius scoffed at him, and then all of a sudden Remus was part of the conversation. A happy few minutes passed as the three of them talked, and then the compartment door opened for the third time. A fat boy with mousy-colored hair looked nervously into the room. "Can I sit here?"

Remus and James had begun to nod before the newcomer had finished asking, and Sirius shrugged. Grateful, the boy lugged his trunk into compartment like all the rest had, and then sat down next to James. He introduced himself as Peter Pettigrew, and the three shared their names with him. Soon the boys were talking comfortably again, with Peter throwing in comments every now and then, but mostly watching the others with small, mousy eyes. Every time James said something outrageous, Peter would open his eyes wide and let out a gasp, but Sirius would just roll his eyes and smirk.

They had been growing steadily louder and rowdier when the compartment door opened for the fourth and final time, and a skinny boy who was wearing his school robes and had overlong black greasy hair walked in. The conversation stopped, but he ignored them and sat down opposite the girl, who they had all but forgotten. He began to talk to her in a hushed voice, and she reluctantly looked up, her face tear-stained. The conversation began again, and all of the boys except James ignored the two. But the James trained his eyes on redheaded witch, starting when he heard the word 'Slytherin'.

"Who wants to be in Slytherin? I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?" James turned towards Sirius, who did not smile in response. "My whole family have been in Slytherin," he said.

"Blimey, and I thought you seemed all right!"

"Maybe I'll break the tradition." Sirius let out a grin. "Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?"

"'Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!' Like my dad." James mimed lifting a sword. Snape made a sniggering sound, and James whipped round to look at him again. "Got a problem with that?"

"No," said Snape, sneering slightly. "If you'd rather be brawny than brainy-"

Sirius interrupted him. "Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" James and Peter roared with laughter, and Remus couldn't help letting out a chuckle. Lily gazed coolly at the two boys and then spoke to her friend. "Come on, Severus, let's find another compartment." James and Sirius imitated her lofty tone, and then tried to trip the tall, skinny boy as he passed. "See ya, Snivellus!" called out Sirius.

When the compartment door had slammed shut behind them, the four boys began to talk again.

The rest of the journey was very pleasurable, and Remus was startled when the Hogwarts Express slid to a stop. Could they be at Hogwarts already? All of the boys collected their things and then filed off of train with the rest of the students. They milled around with the other first years, unsure of what to do, when suddenly they were hailed with a cry of, "Firs' years! Firs' years over here!" by a young-looking, gigantic man who was easily twice the size of a normal person. He had wild, unkempt hair, and a small, patchy beard that covered parts of his chin, promising to turn into a huge tangle that would overwhelm his face in a few years. When they were directed into boats, Remus and his new friends quickly scrambled to cross together, and then they were off, across a dark lake towards the castle.

Hogwarts was the most amazing thing Remus thought he had ever seen. It was huge, towering over them, and it was filled with all sorts of grand towers and windows. When they reached the end of the lake, everyone clambered out and walked up a flight of stairs and waited in front of enormous oak doors. The gatekeeper knocked on the door three times with his huge fist, making a large booming echo that left the first years shivering and nervous for what was coming next. Even Sirius looked a little worried, a slight frown crossing his face. Finally the doors swung open and they were greeted by a stern looking woman who had her black hair up tightly in a bun. She greeted the giant man who had brought them to the entrance and said, "Thank you, Hagrid."

He mumbled something along the lines of, "Notat'all, Professor McGonagall," and then stomped away through the front hall, which was lit by flaming torches. Professor McGonagall led the first years through the vast hall and into a small room, where they crowded around each other, pushing and shoving. Sirius turned to Remus and James. "I heard we have to fight a dragon to get sorted into our houses," he said mischievously. Peter let out a horrified gasp, but before any of them could respond they were suddenly moving forward again, into the Great Hall. It was easily twice the size of the entrance hall, and it was wonderful. Lit by thousands of floating candles that reflected quietly in the black starry sky (_where was the ceiling?_ Remus wondered), it had four tables lined up in rows, filled up with what Remus supposed were the students.

Professor McGonagall had placed a stool in front of the first years, and on top of that she placed a dirty, ragged hat. Remus didn't even have time to wonder what it was for before it opened its patchy mouth and began to sing. He was so surprised to find a hat, of all things, talking, that he completely missed the beginning of the song, and only caught the very end:

"_..So try me on and I will tell you  
__Where you ought to be."_

The entire room burst into applause, and Remus tried to make sense of what was going on. They had to try the hat on? Before he could puzzle it through, the stern-looking professor had begun to call out the names of all of the first years from a long piece of parchment, and soon Sirius was called forth. He went forward apprehensively, and Remus remembered what he had said about his family on the train. The hat slid onto his head and covered his grey eyes, and for a long moment the room was silent; Remus held his breath. Finally the hat burst out, "Gryffindor!"

A table that was decorated lavishly with crimson and gold burst into applause. James caught Remus's eye and they both cheered. Remus watched as the next few people were sorted, starting slightly when "Evans, Lily" was called and he recognized the red-haired girl from the train. She was sorted into Gryffindor, but made a face when she saw Sirius and went to sit at the opposite end of the table. Soon, too soon, Remus himself was called up. Licking his lips nervously, he walked in front of the entire school and sat down on the bench. The hat slid over his eyes, and he heard a quiet voice in his ear speaking.

"Hmm, what have we here? Intelligence, lots of it, my goodness, and an eagerness for learning. You'd do well in Ravenclaw."

Remus remembered what James and Sirius had said of Ravenclaw: it was for the smart kids, the ones who really loved to learn. For a moment Remus felt a desire overtake him, and his heart glowed. He wanted to learn everything! He wanted to be the best, the smartest, and make his mother proud. Then he thought of Sirius, and his newfound friends, and the feeling faded. His heart thumped. He wanted to be with his friends, too.

"Oh, Gryffindor, eh? There's lots of bravery and talent here as well. Hmm, yes, let's make it GRYFFINDOR!"

The hat shouted out the house to the entire room, and Remus stood up, feeling giddy with happiness. He _would_ be the best wizard he could be - but he would do so with his friends at his side. Making his way shakily towards the Gryffindor table, which was cheering loudly, Remus looked at Sirius, who grinned back at him, then sat down next to him. He watched as Peter and James were sorted into Gryffindor as well, and cheered when they came to sit with him and Sirius. Remus watched as Severus Snape, the sallow looking boy from the train, was sorted into Slytherin, and then listened as the last student was finally sorted. Professor McGonagall rolled up the parchment and carried away the stool and hat, and then a new figure stood up. He was an older wizard, and had a marvelous silver beard. He introduced himself as Professor Dumbledore, the headmaster, and welcomed them all to the new year at Hogwarts. Then, suddenly, steaming food appeared on the plates and Remus realized how hungry he was for the first time. Everyone was merry, chattering loudly and happily, and everyone ate as much as they liked and more of the delicious food.

Finally the golden plates and goblets were emptied, and it was time to go through the castle, up many stairs and past moving portraits, until they finally got to what the prefect who was leading them said was the Fat Lady, the entrance to the Gryffindors' common room. And then they were through the painting, past a warm room filled with squashy armchairs and a delicious fire, and up more stairs, then into a dormitory where their trunks were waiting for them, and into bed.

It wasn't until Remus was drowsily warm under his burgundy and gold covers with his new friends around him that he remembered for the first time that he was a werewolf, and that, with some shock, he realized how completely and utterly happy he was for the first time in his life. He fell sound asleep with a wide smile on his face.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a year, a wonderful, lovely, magical year since Remus Lupin had first walked onto the Hogwarts Express and had become a part of Hogwarts. And that year had been better than Remus had ever dreamed. The classes were fascinating and challenging, and he excelled in his studies, working hard to make the best of the privilege of being able to attend school. Quidditch, although James didn't manage to convince McGonagall to let him onto the team as a first year, as Sirius had predicted, was lots of fun to watch, and Remus had decided that it was the finest sport in the world. But, out of all of the brilliant things that made Hogwarts so amazing, it was his friends that really made it best. For the first time, Remus had friends. He had people his age to joke and laugh with, to pull pranks on, to talk for hours with, and to just enjoy the company of. For the first time, he wasn't looked at with disdain or horror, and people didn't flee at the sight of him, disgust in their eyes. His friends were amazing, and he loved them with all his heart - they really were what made his life so enjoyable.

Of course, Remus hadn't told them he was a werewolf. How could he? He was sure, despite the close bond that all of them had forged during their first year together, as they pulled pranks on Severus and other annoying students, crammed for exams, and laughed and made fun of each other lazily on weekends and holidays, they wouldn't accept him. They too would recoil away from him in revulsion and fear, and the wonderful place that Hogwarts was would be gone, leaving an empty school in its place. Werewolves were feared, hated, and shunned by society, and why should his friends, as magnificent as they were, be any different?

But none of this was on his mind as Remus awoke in the dormitory on the first morning of his second year. Last night had been a happy blur of a long train ride, delicious food, and then a soft bed, and for a moment he didn't realize where he was. And then with a smile, he realized he was in Hogwarts again. Jumping out of his bed, he looked around the dormitory. Peter was still asleep, snoring lightly, but James and Sirius were nowhere to be seen. Assuming that they had already gone down for breakfast, Remus quickly pulled clean clothes on. He walked to the stairway, and then turned back to look at Peter. Should he wake him? Remus hesitated for a moment, and then decided not to. Peter deserved to rest; he had looked very tired last night, and had probably been too nervous to fall asleep until it was late. Walking down the stairs and into the common room, Remus admired the lovely gold and crimson room, feeling a tugging on his heart. How he had missed this place!

He arrived at the Great Hall soon afterwards, knowing how to navigate the Hogwarts castle quite well by now, and Sirius and James were indeed already at the table. They were flicking bits of sausage at an unsuspecting Hufflepuff, roaring with laughter when the poor student turned to look in the other direction at the Ravenclaw table in confusion. Remus smiled indulgently at them, and then came over to sit next to them.

"Good morning!" he said brightly. They both turned to look at him.

"G'morning," said James, with a slight yawn. He had never been much of a morning person. Sirius turned to look at Remus with perfectly tussled bed head hair, an unfair luxury that Black had always enjoyed.

"Morning," Sirius repeated, giving him a smile. Then he chucked a bit of paper at Remus. "Here, schedules. We've got potions with Slughorn and transfiguration with McGonagall this morning." James pulled a face - both Slughorn and McGonagall disapproved of him - but Remus felt excited. He was eager for classes to start again. Leaning forward, he helped himself to some porridge.

James let out another huge yawn and then seemed to cheer up. "Quidditch tryouts on Saturday afternoon! I'm going to make it this year," he said cockily, causally running his hand through his hair. "They won't be able to keep me off the team."

"I remember you saying something like that last year," said Sirius cheekily, and James took a swipe at him.

A horrible bubbling in his stomach, Remus felt his happiness fading. "Er, is that the fifth?" he asked quietly, his mouth dry. They both turned to look at him, and then James nodded. "You're coming to watch, of course?"

September fifth was a full moon. Trying to swallow down his spoonful of porridge, Remus shook his head quickly. "I, er, can't." he stuttered. "My Mum's sick. I have to go.. visit."

Sirius frowned, looking confused. "You have to go all the way home just because your mum's sick?" he seemed to have forgotten how often his friend had gone home last year.

Carefully putting down his spoon, Remus added, "And my Grandmum's just, er, died as well." He tried to put on a grief-stricken, upset sort of face, but he just felt sick. "I have to go home for the funeral, because my mum isn't well enough to sort it all out, and I need to help my dad. Dumbledore's letting me go."

There was a sticky sort of pause, and then Sirius shrugged. "Sorry mate, that's rough." Then he turned back to James. "So what're you going to try out for?"

"Seeker, maybe. Or chaser."

Remus let out a sigh of relief as the two of them started to chatter again. Every month, it was the same ordeal, trying to come up with a feasible explanation of why he had to disappear. He hated lying to his friends, but there really wasn't much he could do about it - if they found out..

Each time, his lies got worse and worse, and Remus knew that soon they would guess that something was up. He just didn't want to think about what would happen then. Still feeling ill, Remus gave up on his oatmeal and stood up. "I'm going to go to class," he muttered.

When he walked away, Sirius and James exchanged a look.

"He's doing it again," Sirius said in a low voice. "Each month it's a different story. Either he's bloody unlucky, or he's lying to us."

"But why would he lie?"

Sirius paused. "I dunno," he said finally, impatiently brushing his hair out of his eyes. "But it must be something big."

For a minute, James looked uncertain. "Have you noticed that each time he disappears.."

"..it's during a full moon? Yeah." Sirius let out a sigh. "I think our friend's got a furry little problem."

James frowned softly. "Well, I don't blame him for not telling us. Although I do wish he knew that he could."

"We don't know that it's.. that.. for certain. It could be something else."

"What else could it be?" James asked, rolling his eyes. But then he shrugged, making another face. "I guess we should do some research before we go about accusing him, though."

"When? It's not like we can just go around reading books about werewolves in front of him." Sirius pointed out, saying the word they were both thinking out loud for the first time. James let out a grin. "We could just cut. We ought to set a new record anyways, don't you think? For getting a detention of the first day of classes."

Sirius smirked. "McGonagall will be pleased. Reckon we should get Peter?"

"Nah, he won't want to skip. He's too much of a nancy."

"He'll skip if you ask him to," Sirius said slyly, earning himself another clout from James.

--

They ended up with detention after all, and McGonagall was furious at them, but they had managed to gather more than enough research. And after the Quidditch tryout on Saturday, where James managed to snag a spot on the team as a Chaser, the three of them (they had let Peter in on their theory, and he had agreed rather somberly that they were probably right) sat around the common room with books from the library open, discussing the evidence. They were fairly sure that Remus was indeed a werewolf, but they weren't quite sure what to do about it. Sirius was all for confronting him about it, but Peter was more hesitant.

"We should be totally certain," he said. "We can't just accuse him of being a..a werewolf"-and here he squeaked slightly-"without being completely sure." Sirius finally agreed, as did James, and they decided that they would wait one more month. If, on the next full moon, Remus again disappeared, they would know for certain that he was a werewolf.

One thing that they all conceded on was that Remus was still Remus, one of their best friends. Being a werewolf didn't change him in their eyes. They didn't even really consider otherwise.

--

A month passed by quickly, and soon enough it was the full moon again. Remus waited until the night before to bring it up, reluctant to have to do so any sooner. The four of them were lazing about in the common room, and they were all quietly doing work, although Sirius had begun to get restless. It was getting late, and they were the only ones in the common room when Remus cleared his throat.

"My Grandmum's just died," he said nervously. His three friends looked up at him. "I have to go home tomorrow for the funeral."

Sirius coughed. "I thought she died last month."

Turning red slightly, Remus cast about for an excuse. He had forgotten that he had already used this one. "It's, er, the other one." He amended quickly. Peter, James, and Sirius exchanged a look, and then Sirius stood up. Clearly they had been right.

"Remus," he said slowly. They hadn't really talked about how they were going to confront their friend, but Sirius suddenly decided he wanted to be the one to do it. "Remus." He said again. Remus eyed him warily, looking very tired.

"Remus," Sirius said tensely for the third time. "Are.. are you a werewolf?"

Remus froze, his heart pounding. He carefully set down his book. He licked his lips and tried to swallow unsuccessfully. This was it. All of his careful precautions, trying to hide everything from his friends; all of it was over now. For a moment all he could do was stare at Sirius's grey eyes like a deer caught in headlights, and then he bowed his head.

"Yes." He said very softly. "Yes, I am. I'm so sorry. I'll-I'll understand if you all don't want to share a dormitory with me, of course." Remus was speaking very quickly now, and there was an angry sting in the back of his eyes, but he refused to let himself cry. It was all over. All of these wonderful, glorious months.

Hastily standing up, James let out a squawk of disagreement. "Remus, are you out of your tree? Of course we still want to share a dormitory with you! Why shouldn't we?" Peter nodded forcefully, and Sirius added, "It doesn't matter what you are, Remus. You're still our best mate."

Warmth hesitantly bubbled through Remus's stomach as he looked up at his friends. Was it true? Could it be possible that his friends really, truly didn't care that he was a werewolf? He smiled uncertainly. They all smiled quietly back at him, and Peter waddled forward to pat Remus on the back. Remus realized it _was_ true - his friends accepted him even though he was a lycanthrope. He truly had the most amazing friends on earth. He let out a wide beam.

"You.. you really don't mind that I turn into a.. horrible beast once a month?" he stammered.

"Of course not. I just wish you had told us sooner. We would have been able to figure out what to do much earlier!" Sirius grinned, and then settled down in his seat again. All three of them followed suit, and Remus sank grateful into a squashy armchair.

James chuckled. "I dunno, it would have been entertaining to see how times his Grandmum died."

But Remus was suddenly confused. "Figure out what to do?" he echoed. "What d'you mean, Sirius?"

Just smiling mysteriously, Sirius let Peter answer for him. "Well, we can't just let you go through this alone. So, we decided.." he flushed slightly, suddenly feeling presumptuous. Suppose Remus didn't like the idea? James finished for him.

"We're going to become animagus!" he announced proudly. Remus just looked at him, puzzled. He knew he had heard the word somewhere, but he couldn't think where. James looked slightly disappointed at Remus's lack of a reaction. "Some third year told me about it. Apparently McGonagall's one - he told me she can turn into a cat! She did, right in front of the whole class. We looked it up. It's when a wizard can turn themselves into an animal." Remus realized he _had_ heard of the word before. He'd come across it while he was reading something or other.

"It's really tricky, though, isn't it?" he asked. "Really advanced magic." His friend just shrugged carelessly.

"We'll figure it out. Research it and all that. And then practice until we get it right!" James made it seem like it was the simplest thing in the world. Remus was still sort of baffled. He didn't understand why they wanted to become animagus. Sirius saw the look of confusion on his face and tried to explain. "See, we don't want you to have to turn into a werewolf by yourself. We can't come with you as humans, so we'll go with you as animals. That way you don't have to be alone when you transform."

Breathing out slowly, Remus tried to believe that all this was true. And suddenly, he found that he could. "I have the most brilliant friends in Hogwarts," he said simply. "Thank you." They all smiled at him happily.

--

After the full moon, which Remus found easier than it had ever been before to bear, thanks to the new, exciting possibility and hope his friends had given him, they started to research. They all found time to read up as much as they could on the subject of animagus, juggling it with homework, classes, sleeping, and, in James's case, Quidditch. If they were going to successfully become animagus without killing themselves, they needed to know as much about it as possible, and they couldn't ask any of the teachers for help without raising awkward questions. Upon finding out that becoming animagus was illegal if they didn't register with the ministry simply made James and Sirius more eager to turn into animals; Remus, however, started to feel guilty.

"Are you sure this is the best idea?" he asked James tentatively one evening as they sat in the library. "I mean," he added hastily, "Of course I'm grateful that you're all offering to do this, but what if it goes wrong? What if we all get into trouble?" James just smirked, running his hands through his hair to make it look windswept and glancing over to where Lily and her friends were sitting.

"Don't worry so much, Moony." James replied easily. They had started to call Remus 'Moony' after they found out he was a werewolf, and there was nothing he could do to get them to stop. Despite himself, though, he was growing rather found of the nickname. "We'll be fine. And think of all of the adventures we'll be able to have! We can explore the entire castle while everyone's asleep!" And once again, Remus let himself be swept up by the vision of adventure, and ignored his better judgment.

Soon they had stuffed themselves full of as much information about turning into animagi as they could, and they started to practice. They always attempted it at night, usually only during the weekends, and they used James's cloak of invisibility - a gift from his father - to sneak into the Room of Requirement, a very useful room that was the perfect place to practice. It was a room that would become anything you needed it to that James had found while trying to escape from Argus Filch, the ancient caretaker of Hogwarts who despised all students and lived to punish every last one of them. He especially disliked Sirius and James, and tried to catch them in the act of mischief at least once a week.

The room became an empty classroom for them, with an extensive library full of books on the subject of animagus. Remus usually browsed through the library as Sirius, James, and Peter tried to work through the spell. Peter was lucky that Sirius and James were there to help him, and if they hadn't, along with Remus, been some of the brightest students in their year they probably would have never learned how to do it.

As it was, their path to becoming animagus was a very long and complicated one. Every Saturday night they would practice in the room, and they rarely had luck. They had decided that Peter would become a rat, so he could slip past the whomping willow's branches and press a paw to the knot that would freeze the tree (Remus had of course told them all about where he transformed). Sirius and James would become larger animals, in order to keep Remus in check, in case any "mishaps", as Sirius put it, happened. Sirius decided on becoming a large, bear-like black dog, and James was to turn into a stag. The animals they anticipated turning into were how their nicknames were created, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, respectively.

--

On the second to last day of their fourth year, it was raining. This meant that instead of lolling around in the wonderful summer sunshine, licking iced lollies and drinking cold pumpkin juice, they were stuck inside the Gryffindor common room, staring morosely out of the window and trying to put off packing. They were all bored, but Sirius was the most bored of all, which meant that none of them could be happy.

"Let's go prank Snivellus." Sirius suggested. Hassling Severus Snape, who had turned into a greasy-haired creep, at least in Sirius and James's opinion, was a favorite past time of his. "Or we could practice turning into animagus." Remus looked up from his book and shushed Sirius. "Not so loud," he warned, glancing about at the other Gryffindor's in the common room.

Sirius just scoffed and turned to look at James, who was staring at Lily Evans, the girl he had unsuccessfully chased after for four years. He could catch Quaffle easily, teased Sirius, but he would never be able to catch Lily Evans. "Prongs!" he said loudly. James just ignored him, sweeping his hand through his hair in that infuriating manner of his. "Not right now, Sirius," he muttered, eyes trained on the redhead. Sirius groaned.

"I'm booored." He announced. When no one moved, he let out another grumble. James still didn't say anything, so Sirius turned to Remus again. "Let's go do something," he insisted. Remus put down his book again and sighed. If Sirius didn't find anything to do, he would probably drive all of them insane.

"Fine," he said, giving up. Sirius grinned wolfishly. James still didn't say anything, and Peter had disappeared upstairs, probably to escape any dangerous Sirius ideas. "What do you want to do?" asked Remus tiredly. There had been a full moon two nights ago, and then last night had been spent in the Room of Requirement, so he was exhausted. Sirius, however, was full of energy, and he stood up suddenly and grabbed Remus's hand, trying to pull him out of the chair he was in.

"I don't know!" Sirius admitted. "Let's go outside."

Rolling his eyes, Remus got up and followed Sirius out of the Fat Lady's portrait. James was too busy mooning after Lily to follow, so it was just the two of them.

They walked along quietly down the stairways and corridors for a few moments in companionable silence, and then Sirius stopped at the huge doors in the front hall which led out of the castle. The rain was pouring thickly out, and the sky was a stormy grey rather like Sirius's eyes. Remus peered out at the empty grounds.

"Padfoot, it's pouring out. You can't seriously want to go outside." Remus said mildly. Sirius just grinned again.

"Come on, Moony. A little rain never hurt anyone. Let's go and visit Hagrid." James and Sirius had struck up a fast friendship with the groundkeeper in the hopes that he would tell them all of the secrets of Hogwarts, but even four years after he had refused to let them in on any, they still kept coming back for his tea.

Before Remus could stop him, Sirius had run out into the rain and was loping graceful towards the out-of-sight cabin. Cursing and grumbling under his breath, Remus ran out after him, seriously questioning his own sanity. When he finally caught up with Sirius they had both reached the cabin, so there was nothing to do but to knock loudly on the door. No one answered, even after they banged on the door a second time.

"Let's try the back," suggested Sirius. Remus, by this time, was thoroughly soaked, but it was warm out and he didn't really mind the rain much. He ran around the house before Sirius could and knocked on the back door first, and then turned around and grinned at Sirius when he finally caught up to him. Sirius just smirked back as if to say _I told you so._

No one answered this time either, and Remus let out a little hum of annoyance. Now what were they supposed to do? He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it very suddenly. Sirius was very close to him, so close that Remus could have reached forward lazily to tug on Sirius's long black hair, which, of course, was completely drenched like everything else around them. There was a look on Sirius's face that Remus had never seen; his expression was very open, almost vulnerable, and he seemed very, very young. His grey eyes were full of a question.

"Padfoot?"

Sirius leaned forward and kissed Remus. It was a very quick touch of lips, and then Sirius pulled away, leaving Remus dazed and incredibly confused. Abruptly something in Sirius's face seemed to shut off, and a fearful look crept into his eyes. And then he turned around and ran away, back up the hill and towards the castle. Away from Remus.

_What just happened?_

**A/N: and now the story takes off! :D I know, the kiss is sort of sudden. It's supposed to be! It should get more interesting from here. Anyways, this is probably the most often I'll ever update, unless I convince myself to write another chapter this weekend - I'm on a break this week, so normally I probably won't be able to write chapters quite so often, because I'm too busy. This will probably be the last author's note, because I don't want to write them too often; they take away from the story, I think.**

**Reviews make suspense go away faster! :) Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter.**


	3. Chapter 3

Remus stood in the doorway of Hagrid's hut at a complete loss, picturing the scene over and over in his head, trying to decide whether or not it had actually happened. Had Sirius really just kissed him?

Finally Remus realized that he was in danger of drowning if he stood in the rain any longer, and he walked back up to the castle, still thinking. He wasn't really sure of anything anymore, just the passing stairs and portraits and rooms. When he got back to the common room, he saw that Peter had returned from the dormitory and was sitting with James, who was still staring over at Lily. Sirius was not in the room. Remus went over to his friends and nervously sat in a chair. He felt as though what had happened was written all over his face. James didn't look up as Remus sat down, but Peter glanced up from the letter he was writing.

"Where's Padfoot?" asked Peter. Remus froze. They knew what had happened.

"What? Why?" he said, feeling crazed. "I dunno. How should I know?" Peter gave him a strange look. "I thought since you two went off somewhere, he'd of come back with you."

Remus swallowed, trying to relax. "Er, I dunno." He said again, shrugging tensely. "He just ran off." Peter frowned, but before he could speak Remus jumped up. "Going to go pack up," he muttered tersely, moving towards the dormitory.

As Remus hurried away, James looked up at Peter. "What was that about?"

The rest of the day passed by quickly for Remus. He kept an anxious lookout for Sirius, who didn't turn up, not even for dinner. It wasn't until that late that night, when the three friends were hovering anxiously in their dormitory, wondering where he had got to, that Sirius showed up. He was tired-looking and somewhat haughtily avoided eye contact with them all, ignoring their questions, only mumbling a few sparse words of explanation that they couldn't hear properly. Finally James rolled his eyes and went to his bed after Sirius pulled his curtains closed, still steadily disregarding them. Peter soon followed James's lead, and Remus was left staring at Sirius's bed hangings, hoping that he would open them and come out to speak with Remus about what had happened.

But he didn't. After staring dully at the bed and the wall and the crimson sheets for a while, Remus eventually got into his own bed and tried to fall asleep, convincing himself that Sirius needed time to gather his confused thoughts before talking about what had happened. The kiss replayed itself in his mind over and over again, and it was a long while before his mind shut off and let him fall into a restless and confused sleep.

--

Sirius didn't talk to Remus much the next day either as they all traveled back to London on the Hogwarts Express. He always managed to be busy, chatting with James or teasing Peter or visiting the train loo. When they all finally got to the station and said sorrowful goodbyes and made promises to write to each other, Sirius had only said about three or so words to Remus the entire day, and had only looked over at him twice. He only said a very brisk farewell, not meeting Remus's eyes, before disappearing with his stern-looking family.

And Remus just let him go, watching him leave anxiously. _He just needs time,_ he told himself firmly. _Then he'll be ready to talk to me._

Then he stepped forward to meet his parents and to go home. As much as Remus loved Hogwarts, it was always nice to return back home, to visit his mother and father again. It was a happy reunion as always, with his mother fussing over him and hugging him tightly, and his father smiling proudly and squeezing his hand on Remus's shoulder tightly. Then came the long, lovely drive through the English country to their small and modest house.

John Lupin, Remus's father, had been the only son of the reputable pure-blood Lupin family, which spanned back generations of wizards. He had gone to Hogwarts and had then gotten a respectable job as a banker at Gringott's, as he excelled in arithmancy. John was the pride and joy of his parents.. but then he had fallen in love with a muggle. His parent's had begged, pleaded, and tried to use all voices of reason with him, but his mind was made up. He was in love with the beautiful Irish muggle named Mary, and there was nothing they could do. He quit his job and moved out to the English countryside with the love-of-his-life by his side, and they were married after a month. Twelve months later they had Remus, and their life was complete.

The Lupins couldn't be happier. John worked for the ministry, apparating to London each day for work, and Mary worked as an English teacher in the small town near their home. They kept a small, charming garden full of flowers and herbs and vegetables, and they had a large yard and acres of sprawling countryside close by to dream in. They didn't make much money, but they got by, and they had each other.

But when Fenrir Greyback came to their yard one summer evening when young Remus was exploring outside, everything changed. John sunk into a depression, as he blamed himself for the accident; Greyback had come looking for Remus after getting into a fight with John's ministry group. For the first time, Mary questioned being married to a wizard, to having her child grow up as a werewolf, to live in a world where her family could be hurt like this. But Remus, lovely, wonderful Remus, pulled them together. And slowly they remembered what it was like to be happy again, even with the shadow of Remus's curse hanging over them.

Remus adored his parents, and he was very close to them. Perhaps it came from being an only child, or maybe it was from not having very many friends when he was young, and most likely it was because of his shared burden, but he loved his parents dearly even as a teenager and shared nearly every part of his life with them. He cherished the simple country home that they had, helping his mother weed out the garden and his father chop wood, and when he wasn't at Hogwarts, this was his favorite place to be. He arrived home in his small, neat room, and gazed around contentedly, forgetting himself for a moment. Remus was home, and he was happy.

However, as the summer wore on, Remus found the simple life he loved complicated with thoughts of Sirius. He would try to keep himself busy during the day, helping his mother and father with chores or going into town to do errands or ferreting around outside or occasionally going to see a movie, which was a rare treat, or even taking out his father's old truck and trying to teach himself to drive in the winding, empty roads, despite his mother's fretful disapprovals that he was too young. But when it all came winding down and he found himself in his room, without even homework to check over for the fourth time, he could only think of one person.

Confused, miserable, Remus would sit on his bed and press his hands over his eyes, thinking. He would think of long black hair and twinkling grey eyes, of a roguish grin and a barking laugh, and of a kiss.

He tried to talk himself out of it. Surely it was one thing, he would tell himself angrily, to be a werewolf. It was quite another to be a _gay_ werewolf. Wasn't it already hard enough to fit in? He would walk into the quiet town and watch the muggle girls pass by, and he would try to get himself to fancy one of no matter how lovely they smelled and looked and giggled, Remus couldn't feel anything towards them, except perhaps a vague fondness. For as long as he could remember, Remus had always liked looking at boys. He usually convinced himself it was more of a comparison than anything else - he was only looking at the boys to compare how he looked to them. To compare eyes and hair and noses. Boys didn't think other boys were fit - it just wasn't right. But everything had changed when Sirius had kissed him, and now Remus had a whole frightening new world to look at.

Suppose, then, he would tell himself, that he was gay. Closing his eyes, Remus would lie back on his bed and think about Sirius Black. Remus hadn't gotten any letters from him during the summer. He had gotten a few from Peter and James, but nothing from Sirius. And Remus couldn't bring himself to write a letter to his friend. But he tried to explain away the lack of contact with fear. _Sirius is just as confused as I am,_ he would reason. _We both need to figure things out on our own. When school starts again we'll be able to talk about it properly without messing about with letters._

But Remus thought he knew, already, how he felt. Remus knew that he had always been attracted to the handsome, brilliant Sirius Black, and he knew that he had only properly started to admit to it to himself after Sirius kissed him. But he didn't know how Sirius felt back, which scared him. Sirius had started the kiss, hadn't he? So he obviously felt something, right?

When Remus drove himself crazy from all of the questions, he would slip downstairs and gather up his mum's poetry books. He had inherited her love of prose and verse, and when he wasn't devouring a muggle novel, he would lose himself in muggle poetry. He loved the simplicity and beauty of a poem, the way it would make him look at something with new eyes. His favorite authors were among William Yeats and John Keats and Robert Frost and E. E. Cummings, but his absolute passion was for Emily Dickinson.

_A soft sea washing around the house,__  
A sea of summer air,_  
_And rose and fell the magic planks  
That sailed without a care_

_For captain was the butterfly,__  
And helmsman was the bee,__  
And an entire universe  
For the delighted crew_

He would sit and read Emily Dickinson for hours, forgetting his trouble in the soft, vivid pictures that she would create about nature and summer and love and the country. He would read Emily Dickinson, and for a while he could believe that all would be well.

--

At long last, the lazy summer days drew to a close and Remus received his Hogwarts letter, along with a Prefect badge, much to his parents' pride. The days leading up to his return to school as a fifth year were a blur, and before he knew it he was back at Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, cheerfully greeting the other students while anxiously awaiting a specific face. Finally he saw Sirius, who was emphatically waving his hands while simultaneously shouting something at James. Remus let out a smirk at his friend's antics, and then said goodbye to his parents before nervously making his way over to James and Sirius.

"And then, get this, Prongs, she bloody tells me to leave! I mean, honestly-" Sirius was telling James a story, but he stopped when he saw Remus. He cleared his throat, and Remus let out an uncertain smile.

"Had a good summer, yeah?" Remus said to the two of them, his heart beating quickly. He found he couldn't look at Sirius, so he looked at James instead. James grinned and leaned forward to clap his hand on Remus's back.

"An excellent one! Sirius lasted a week before he ran away from his mum and came to spend the rest of the time with us. What about you, then? Was it alright, Moony?" James paused, suddenly wondering if he ought to have invited Remus to stay with him. But Remus just smiled. "It was brilliant to be back home. But I'm glad we're back at school!"

Sirius scowled. "Only you would be glad to be back where the homework is."

"And the O.W.L.s! Don't forget we have the lovely, wonderful O.W.L.s at the end of the year, Padfoot." Sirius let out another groan and then half-heartedly punched Remus on the shoulder. He was being very careful, Remus noticed, but he was talking to him. Feeling slightly optimistic, he led the way onto the train after they found Peter, and they all spent a pleasant time catching up with each other. They gave him hell for being a prefect, teasing him relentlessly when he had to leave their compartment to patrol the train. But he didn't mind. James and Peter were exactly the same, with the former determined that this was the year for him and Evans, and the latter hopeful that they would finally be able to achieve being animagus. Sirius, despite the fact that he was making pointless chatter with Remus instead of ignoring him, still seemed distant and a little uncomfortable around Remus. And Remus had decided that he was going to talk to his friend as soon as he could, because they both had a lot to figure out.

--

Life quickly resumed a comfortable pace for them at Hogwarts. The classes were harder and more exciting than ever (at least Remus thought so), and the pranks were better and bigger than before (for James and Sirius) and everything was lovely (or so Peter believed). James was kept busy on the Qudditch team, but they always found time to practice their animagus spells on Saturday nights, and then finally, finally, in the middle of November, they were successful.

James was the first one to accomplish it. One night there was a loud bang, and suddenly a huge stag was stomping around the room. They all hurried towards him, Remus dropping the book he had been reading, and watched as he transformed back to human. There were loud shouts and cheers and hurrahs, and James successfully transformed three times in a row to prove that he could do it.

Sirius was next, not wanting to be outdone by James, and finally even Peter accomplished it, successfully turning into a rat. And then, suddenly, there was a great world of opportunity open to them. They would spend hours planning out great adventures, deciding where they would go and what places they would explore, and then at the night of the full moon they would run around the grounds and get into mischief.

He had never been happier, Remus, and suddenly full moons were something to look forward to, something to enjoy. There were lots of close scrapes, but they laughed about them afterwards. And Remus always pushed away his better judgment, thinking that something so that was so wonderful and that made him happy couldn't be wrong, could it?

But despite the wonderful classes and adventures, was nearly miserable. He still hadn't been able to talk to Sirius, who avoided being alone with him religiously. Sure, Sirius would talk and joke with Remus - but only when James and Peter were there. Whenever Remus tried to corner Black and talk to him, he always had something to do or somewhere to be and managed to escape him, not meeting Remus's eyes.

So Remus had spent two months trying talk to Sirius about the kiss, and had still not managed to. The werewolf was beginning to feel very anxious and confused again, despite the half-conclusions he had drawn over the summer. Finally, one Friday when James was out late at a Qudditch practice, despite the freezing November rain that was falling, and Peter had disappeared to the Hospital Wing, complaining of a stomach ache from too many sweets, Remus went up to Sirius, who was sitting in the crowded common room pretending to do homework.

"Padfoot," Remus said, sitting down next to him. Sirius glanced at him quickly and then drew his gaze into the fire, which was crackling pleasantly. Remus swallowed. "Sirius, can I talk to you?"

Sirius lifted an eyebrow in a nonchalant sort of way, but didn't meet his gaze. "You are talking to me, you bollock."

"No, you prat. I mean talk, properly talk." Sirius's shoulders tensed slightly, but his expression didn't change.

"Moony, I dunno if that's such a good idea.. and I have tons of homework." Sirius whinged.

"Since when do you care about homework? I really need to talk to you, Padfoot. Please." Remus tried not to let a desperate note creep into his voice, but he was close to losing it. Finally Sirius put down his parchment.

"Right, then. What's up?"

Remus looked about at the busy common room and shook his head. "Not here. Somewhere quieter." Without people.

Sirius looked ready to protest again, but Remus didn't let him. He stood up and grabbed his friend's hand, shivering slightly at its warmth, and pulled him towards the common room's exit. "C'mon, Padfoot."

Giving in resignedly, Sirius got up and followed Remus out of the Gryffindor tower, quietly pulling his hand out of Remus's grasp. They walked silently for a while, Remus fidgeting nervously, before Sirius stopped unannounced at an empty corridor. It was late, close to their curfew, but for once Remus didn't care. He glanced out of a window and watched the rain for a minute, wishing that snow was falling instead; he loved the promise of snow and much preferred it to rainfall.

Then he realized that Sirius was waiting for him to say something, so he looked up at him. Sirius looked uncomfortable, as if he knew what was coming and thought it unpleasant.

"Sirius.." Remus's voice came out embarrassingly low, and he cleared his throat before starting again. "Sirius. I wanted.. to talk about last year. About that day before summer holiday. When you, er, kissed me."

Sirius's face seemed to harden slightly, and he looked suddenly much harsher and aristocratic and closed off. He looked like a Black, a cruel, pure-blooded Black. But he didn't say anything. Remus remembered the innocent, exposed look that Sirius had worn that rainy day last June, and marveled at how different it was to this Sirius. When the black-haired boy didn't say anything, Remus tripped on uncertainly.

"And I w-wanted to, well, I wondered.. why did you kiss me?"

Something seemed to snap on in Sirius's eyes, and he finally turned to look at Remus with his harsh eyes that looked more black than grey for once.

"It was just for fun," he said roughly. "I was bored, and I'd never kissed a bloke before. It didn't mean anything, Lupin."

Remus felt himself wilting, almost, becoming a part of the wall that he was leaning against. Sirius had been bored? That was it? Pain welled up inside of him, and for a moment he felt like he couldn't breathe. How could he have been so stupid?

"Oh," Remus heard himself breathe out. "Of course."

And then it hit him, hard, Sirius didn't want him, had never wanted him. It had all meant nothing. Remus dropped his gaze, trying not to cry. He would _not_ let himself cry. It had all been a stupid misunderstanding, and it didn't matter. Sirius didn't matter.

Something like fear and worry flashed across Sirius's face, but then it was gone, the emotionless façade there in its place. He took a step back, aware of the pain he was causing Remus, and almost leaned into him. He almost whispered an apology to take back the words and almost ran forward to hug Remus and hold him tight. But instead he turned around and ran again. He ran because it was easier and safer.

Remus didn't look up as Sirius left again. _It's your own bloody fault, Lupin._ He told himself savagely. _You don't fancy your best mate. That's not something you do._ But the tears fell, and he couldn't stop them. He sat down and cried for Sirius and felt mortified. Not only was he crying - _bloody crying!_ - but he had also probably just ruined the best friendship that he had ever had. But a great big empty hole had been carved into his chest, a mark that Sirius Black had left and one that was rimmed with hurt and loss and confusion. So Remus cried, and through his lonely tears a poem by Robert Frost came into his head, unbidden,

_Nature's first green is gold,  
Her hardest hue to hold.  
Her early leaf's a flower;  
But only so an hour.  
Then leaf subsides to leaf.  
So Eden sank to grief,  
So dawn goes down to day.  
Nothing gold can stay._


	4. Chapter 4

He sat in a small alcove in a forgotten corridor on the fifth floor, with an abandoned book in his lap. His face was turned towards the light coming from the quarter-moon, which shone dully through the foggy glass despite the incessant rain. The boy had deep purple circles under his eyes, and his neatly cropped blonde hair had streaks of grey going through it; his very being seemed to ache with a weariness that was far too old for him to be bearing. He tiredly rested his chin on a hand.

November without snow, Remus had decided, was absolutely the worst thing in the world. Since early November, only a few weeks ago, a freezing rain had been falling at Hogwarts. It was a messy, icy, slushy sort of rain, one that tantalizingly promised of snow and then gave freezing wet mud instead. It was now the middle of the month, yet still the change in the passing weeks had brought no change in weather. Everyone in the castle, professors and students alike, wandered from class to class like tired ghosts while stealing glances at the window with hopeful eyes, only to turn away with a quiet sigh and continue on. The common rooms were less rowdy than usual, as no one quite knew what to do with themselves except apathetically wait for the snow.

Remus had taken to wandering the hallways at night, not even pretending to do his prefect rounds. The dormitories were too cold and too quiet, even interrupted by the soft patter of the ever falling rain, and his thoughts were too loud. He would bring a book with him and find a different window to curl up in each night, but he never finished more than a few pages before he would turn and stare out at the black sky instead. And despite all of his attempts to focus on other things - the novel, the rain, the moon - his mind would always turn back to one thing: Sirius. It had been two weeks since he and Sirius had talked, and yet he couldn't forget. Remus would bow his head and close his eyes and relive the embarrassment each night, and he still couldn't believe how utterly stupid he had been. How had he misread the signs? Had he honestly thought that Sirius, the popular, handsome, funny, _straight_, Sirius Black, liked _him_, Remus-the-werewolf? His chapped hands would knot themselves in his hair as he beat himself up over it. Of course Sirius had just been bored. Of course.

Neither of the two boys had been able to make eye contact since that day, and they carefully skirted each other in conversations, only speaking to the other if necessary. Remus's hands tightened in his hair as he thought about his crumbling relationship with Sirius, wishing he could at least salvage the friendship, but maybe, he reflected sadly, not really believing it, it was for the best.

And so the nights passed, with Remus beating himself lower and lower into the ground over what had happened, until he had such low faith in himself that he was nearly broken.

But none of his friends noticed. James was kept entirely busy with five Quidditch practices a week, despite the relentless freezing rain, and he had to balance his enormous amounts of homework on top of that; any spare time he had left was divided into pranks and Lily - and even then he nearly didn't have enough time to pine over the love of his life. Poor Peter was so overwhelmed with the course work and the preparations for O.W.L.s already that he didn't have any time to notice anyone's problems but his own. And Sirius, well, Sirius noticed, his stormy eyes watching Remus carefully, but he didn't dare say anything.

A certain pretty redhead, however, did notice. Lily and Remus got on fairly well, much to James's resentment, because Lily admired the quiet marauder and his dedication to his books. And she remembered that he had let her sit in his compartment that first train ride to Hogwarts. Every so often they would have lively conversations about muggle novels or tricky spells or other interesting things, until they viewed each other with a friendly demeanor. And Lily noticed when the conversations stopped - that's when she began to watch Remus carefully.

One Saturday, after Remus had slipped back to bed late and woken up even later, Lily caught sight of Remus emerging from the boy's dormitory. The area under his eyes were puffy and he could barely keep his eyes open, but that's not what concerned the redhead - no, it was the emptiness of his face that worried her. The common room was mostly empty, as most were eating breakfast, and Remus had his pick of the chairs as he settled down near the fire. Lily couldn't stand it anymore, so she went over towards the boy.

"Remus," she said, looking around hesitantly, "are you alright?"

Furrowing his brow slightly, Remus shrugged. "Sure," he responded quietly, not meeting her eyes.

Lily let out a soft huff, looking at him kindly with her green eyes. "You just seem very.. tired, lately, that's all. More than usual, I mean." The boy always looked tired, after all. Lily opened her mouth again but then closed it. She couldn't think of a way to describe the weariness, the blankness that she saw in him lately. Remus let out a small smile that didn't reach any part of his worn-out face.

"It's just the rain. I'm not very fond of the rain."

--

She had let it go, realizing that he wouldn't tell her anything else, but Lily kept a close watch on him. Just in case. And when Remus still appeared each morning with bleary eyes and an apathetic face, she finally decided that she needed to do something, even if it wasn't her place. She didn't want to go to his friends, whom she felt probably wouldn't do much - particularly if it was up to Potter - so she didn't really know what she _could_ do. Especially since she didn't know what the problem was. But she was determined to help in whatever way she could.

So that's why, when the chance arrived, Lily jumped on it.

She was in the library on a rainy Sunday in the middle of November, the day after she had spoken to Remus, with her friend Hannah from Ravenclaw. Lily was a bright, friendly girl, and she knew many students in all of the houses, even some from Slytherin. She and her friend were talking pleasantly while trying to do their homework. Peter and Remus were also in the library, a few seats away, and it looked like Peter was struggling with an essay. Remus would look up from his homework, point out a few helpful things to Peter, and then stare out the window for a few moments before turning with a sigh to his coursework again. Lily had half-watched this out of the corner of her eye for a few moments, and eventually her friend noticed her staring. Hannah let out a giggle.

"He's cute, isn't he?" the Ravenclaw murmured, letting out another embarrassed laugh. Lily started and turned to look at her friend closely. "D'you like him?" she asked, glancing again at Remus. She supposed he was cute, in a scruffy sort of way. He was a little too skinny, though, and a little too tired to be really handsome, but he did have a pleasant face and nice looking hair. Hannah shot a nervous look at Lily.

"Well, I mean.. I didn't want to say anything.." she said timidly. "I thought you liked him, Lily. You're always talking to him."

Lily let out a smile. "Me? Oh, Merlin, no, we're just friends. We have lovely conversations, but it's not like that." Hannah let out a relieved sigh.

"Oh, good. I wasn't sure if you did or not, and I didn't want to intrude.." she trailed off. "Is he nice, then? We've never properly talked."

Grinning wickedly, the redhead pushed her friend forward. "You ought to go talk to him, then!" Hannah protested, but Lily forced her friend out of her chair until she finally stood up and walked over to him. Lily watched as Remus looked up at Hannah and gave her a politely tired and slightly bemused smile. They talked for a few moments before Peter interrupted them and Remus excused himself. Hannah hurried back to Lily, her face bright red. Lily just smirked at her and then turned back to her books, an idea forming in her head.

Later that evening Lily sat in the common room, finishing a charms essay. She desperately needed to finish the paper for Flitwick, and she still had another foot and a half to write, so she kept her head down and worked despite the fact that Gryffindors got up all around her to go to bed as it got later and later. Eventually Lily looked up, trying to find a distraction from the torturous essay, and she noticed that Remus was walking by. He clutched a well-thumbed poetry book in his hand, and was heading for the Fat Lady's portrait. Lily scrambled out of her seat.

"Remus!" she called. He jumped guilty and turned around to see the redhead in surprise.

"Lily," he said quietly, almost looking stern. "What're you doing up this late?" She looked around and saw he was right - the common room had emptied and the fire had been reduced to a pile of smoking embers. Lily hadn't noticed how late it had gotten.

"I could ask you the same question," She murmured, only slightly defensively. Then she held up her nearly finished essay as an answer. He nodded, and then turned his shoulder towards the portrait slightly. He clearly wanted to leave, but was too polite to just do so.

She wanted to ask him why he was going out so late, to wander the halls, no less, but she already knew that he didn't want to share his secrets. Lily guessed it was part of the reason he was so tired, but why was he going out? Could he not sleep? Had something happened?

Remus was staring at his feet, shifting from foot to foot. Realizing that she was just standing there without saying anything, Lily hurriedly opened her mouth.

"Hannah likes you," she said, almost without thinking. Remus blinked, his eyes widening slightly.

"Oh," was the only thing he could think of to say. The moment stretched for a minute, and then he added, "Does she."

Lily nodded, her lips curving into a smile. She hesitated, and then touched his shoulder gently. "She does. Hannah's really nice, Remus. I think you should invite her into Hogsmade next weekend. You guys would get along lovely." And then she turned around and walked back to her chair, settling in to finish her essay.

Remus stared after her for a moment, confusion etched onto his face. Then he turned around and walked out of the common room, his mind spinning. Hannah..a girl..liked him? A girl liked him?

He walked aimlessly for awhile before settling down on the floor in a dark corridor. The only light came from a low window through which the skinny quarter-moon spilled a glow onto the floor. The light was dappled by the rain, and it created a living pattern.

His brow furrowed, Remus's thoughts swirled around his head, certain images and words emerging like a human pensieve. He thought of Hannah. She was pretty, with her heart-shaped face and elbow-length wavy blonde hair, although he preferred brunettes.. but no, he mustn't think of that, it was forbidden, he told himself angrily. Remus knew that she was nice-looking, beautiful, really, and he tried to conjure up a picture of her. He had seen her a few times in the Great Hall or in the Library, like today, and occasionally had spotted her when she was with Lily, but he hadn't spoken to her much. The Gryffindors had also had a few classes with the Ravenclaws over the years, and he knew that she was clever and witty and intelligent. If she was friends with Lily, she was probably pleasant as well.

She was perfect. So why wasn't he attracted to her?

Remus brought his hands up to his eyes and pressed them tightly against his skin. He wished with all of his heart that he was attracted to her, that he could like her and ask her out and just be _normal_. To be able to put all of this behind him and become friends - just friends, the same easy relationship that he used to have - with Sirius, and to just want to be friends, nothing more. Or not even just with Sirius, but with all of the other male students in Hogwarts. Being gay had gotten him no where so far, and he wished that he could just be straight and like girls. It would make his life a little bit less complicated.

Letting out a groan, Remus wished it was that easy.

Then he stopped, and slid his hands down from his eyes. Why couldn't it be? Sure, he reasoned, he wasn't attracted to her, but maybe that was only because he was in the gay mindset. Maybe if he went out with her, maybe he would realize that he was into her, and that he wasn't gay at all. Maybe then he could stop thinking about Sirius, stop beating himself up over it - and actually be able to fall asleep at night.

Although the idea seemed unlikely, it was nice to have a small measure of hope. Smiling slightly for the first time in too long, Remus glanced up at the moonlight. Tonight, even the wretched moon looked friendly.

--

The next morning Remus woke up with a horrible feeling in his stomach, and it wasn't just because it was a Monday. He got dressed slowly, taking his time to put on his socks perfectly, and then lacing up his shoes agonizingly slow. James looked over at him with a loud, gaping-mouthed yawn, and half-shut eyes, and then let out a chuckle.

"You all right there, Moony ol' pal? You look like you're about to go give McGonagall a sponge bath."

Remus grimaced at the mental image, and then shrugged. Leave it to James to be awake and astute on this morning of all mornings. Sirius glanced over at Remus hurriedly, but then just as quickly turned his head away. Remus stared at Sirius for a few moments, and then forced himself to look away, setting his mouth in a tight line.

Leaving the other two to get a snoring Peter up, Remus slipped out of the dormitory and walked down the staircase and into the common room. Lily was there, chatting with a few of her friends, and she waved when she saw Remus. He avoided her gaze, and she hid a satisfied smile.

The walk down to the Great Hall seemed much shorter than usual, despite the fact that Remus dragged his feet carefully. When he walked into the enormous room, he glanced up at the sky by force of habit, and saw that the magical heavens showed a map of gloomy grey rainclouds, matching the outside weather perfectly.

Remus looked over at the Ravenclaw table and saw Hannah sitting with a group of her friends. Feeling a rush of nerves, he licked his lips carefully and then walked over to her. When she saw him, she blushed slightly, smiling.

"Hullo, Remus." She said, and he tried to smile back at her but it seemed his lips weren't working quite right. He nodded instead. Then he glanced over at her friends who were all peering over at the two of them and giggling.

"Can I speak to you for a moment?" he asked. She jumped up. "Oh! Of course." The two of them walked over to the side of the Great Hall, and then they stood there awkwardly for a few moments while Remus tried to work up the courage of what he was about to say.

"Hannah, I was wondering.. d'you.. I mean, would you like to.. go out some time?" Remus finally spoke, very quickly, turning red. Her eyes widened, and she blushed again.

"I'd love to, Remus. That would be brilliant." Hannah beamed at him. Remus looked at her, wondering if he had heard wrong.

"Yeah?" he said slowly, smiling for her benefit. He let out the breath that he had been holding. "There's a Hogsmade trip this weekend. We could go, if you want." He offered. She nodded, and they made their plans before returning back to their tables after an awkward shuffling goodbye.

As Remus sat down in his seat and helped himself to some toast, he still couldn't help thinking that it had been much harder talking to Sirius about the kiss than it had been asking Hannah out. And that he still liked brunettes better.

--

The week passed by much too quickly for Remus's taste, and soon it was Saturday. He woke up at a decent hour for once, but he felt sick to his stomach. What had he been thinking? There was no way he could go through with this! Letting out a groan, he got up and started to pull his clothes on. James and Sirius were already up, excited about going to Hogsmade, probably eager to stock up on Zonko's products. Peter was up as well, and he sat on his bed, watching Sirius and James plan out the day.

"..and then we'll stop by the Owlery, cus I need to send out a package by Owl-order for my Mum. Then what, Honeydukes, you reckon?" James was saying. He turned towards Remus. "Oy, Moony, what'd you reckon, Honeydukes first, or Zonko's?" Remus sat on his bed and pulled on a sock before turning to face James. He hadn't told them about Hannah yet, and he wasn't sure how they were going to react.

"M'not going with you guys, Prongs," he mumbled inaudibly. James stared at him, his hair sticking up worse than usual.

"What?"

"I said, I'm not going with you to Hogsmade."

Peter let out a squeak. "Why not, Remus?" he asked anxiously. Remus pulled on his other sock.

"I've got a date." He said finally. The three of stared at Remus for a moment. Then James let out a roar and tackled his friend.

"No! You? You've got a date? Our ickle little Remus has a date?" James said incredulously, messing up Remus's hair. Remus scowled and punched James on the shoulder, pushing him off of the bed.

"That doesn't mean a lot coming from the boy who hasn't been able to get a certain redhead to go out for him for what, four years now?" Remus retaliated, smirking. That shut James up, but only for a few seconds, and then he let out a grin. "She's in love with me, mate, she just doesn't know it yet," he drawled, giving a wink.

Peter was staring at Remus as though he had just announced that he had invented the moon. A look of deep admiration came over his ratty little face, and he smiled. "You'll have to tell us all about the day, Moony. Who's the lucky girl?"

"Hannah Anderson. She's a Ravenclaw."

Remus had been avoiding looking at Sirius, but he finally couldn't keep his eyes away and he turned to look at him. Sirius had his back turned away from Remus, and he was fiddling with something on his bookcase. He didn't say anything at all, and Remus felt his last insistent bit of hope crumble away. Feeling both a little cheerless and angry, he got up and walked towards the door, suddenly determined. Remus still felt nervous, but the feeling had faded a little. He called out a goodbye to his friends, ignoring James's snicker of good luck and consolatory offer of a post-date beer at the pub, and he didn't look back.

He met up with Hannah near the start of the pathway that led to Hogsmade. They were one of the first students out there.

"Hi," she greeted him, smiling shyly. He returned the smile, and then gestured out towards the soggy path.

"Shall we?"

They ran through the miserable, wet rain, to the main street of Hogsmade, and then he led her off onto a side road. He hadn't had a clue where he should take her, but someone had once told him that Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop was the proper place to take a date, so that was where he had decided to try. Luckily it hadn't been hard to find, and they stood shivering in front of it for a moment. Remus wasn't especially excited about going into the shop - it had too many frills and lace and too much pink inside of it for his taste, from what he could see through the window. Hannah stared at it for a moment too, and then burst out laughing.

"Is this where you take all of your dates, Remus? Merlin, you sure know how to impress a girl," she teased.

Remus smiled good-naturedly. "What, you mean pink isn't your favorite color?"

The blonde chuckled and then reached out to grab his hand. "I'd rather go to the Three Broomsticks, if that's alright with you."

Extremely relieved, and feeling considerably impressed with his date, Remus turned and walked back up the path with Hannah, thinking that her hand was very soft, but a little too small to fit in his hand comfortably.

They reached the Three Broomsticks, and they spent the entire morning and a good part of the afternoon there, just talking, as it was far too wet to go around exploring the village. Remus found that it was very easy to talk with Hannah, and he thoroughly enjoyed himself.

But he began to grow nervous again when they left the tavern and walked back into Hogwarts. They paused at the top of the staircase, as each of their common rooms were in separate directions.

"I had an absolutely lovely time, Remus." Hannah said brightly. Remus nodded, clearing his throat, which was threatening to close up.

"Me too. We should do this again."

Hannah took a step closer to him. He twisted his fingers together, and they began to get clammy. Remus knew that he should do something, that he should lean forward and kiss her, but he couldn't seem to move. She waited for a moment, leaning closer to him, and he could see the freckles on her nose clearly. And then Hannah was the one to initiate it, and she pressed her lips against his. It was a very soft kiss; she tasted of lip gloss. It didn't last long, probably because Remus hadn't really decided how he was going to react yet, and then she pulled away from him. Blushing again, she gave him a quick hug goodbye and then sped around and went in the direction of her dormitory.

Shoulders slumped, Remus stood there for a minute, and then turned around and walked away.

He walked aimlessly for a while, not wanting to go back to the dormitory, where he knew James and Peter would question him about his date if they were back from Hogsmade. Eventually Remus retreated to the library, which was fairly empty. Most of the students who were old enough to go to Hogsmade were still in the village, because it was only the middle of the afternoon. And everyone else was reluctant to be in the library on a Saturday. Sitting at an empty table, Remus put his head down and tried not to dwell on the date. He failed miserably, of course, and soon was revisiting everything that had happened.

Hannah was amazing, just as he had thought. She was witty, charming, effortless to talk to, enjoyable to be around, and interesting. She was into many of the same things that Remus was, and they had had no shortage of things to talk about. The afternoon had passed by very quickly.

So why wasn't he attracted to her? She was very pretty, and he knew that she had a wonderful depth that went with that beauty. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her, Remus thought miserably. Yet he just couldn't seem to like her in _that_ way.

Throughout the entire day, Remus had subtly stared at her, trying to get himself to like her, to be attracted to her. But he couldn't manage it. The whole time he had felt nothing sexual towards her at all; in fact, the time they had spent together had seemed very comfortable, like two good friends relaxing collectively. That was it. Even the kiss, which she had been the one to start, had felt very chaste, to him at least, more like two friends saying a sociable goodnight then the first kiss after an excellent first date.

Head still on the table, he closed his eyes and let out a ragged sigh. Maybe this wasn't going to be as easy as he'd first thought.

Remus tried to find a loophole, something to give him a reason to keep trying. Maybe, he told himself, the being friends part came first. The being able to talk for hours without worrying about the time. Maybe the love part, the desirability came afterwards. If he gave it more time, he reasoned, he was sure he could actually fall for her.

Feeling very unhappy, Remus didn't believe it at all. But there wasn't anything else he could do - and he certainly didn't want to break up with her. It would crush her, wouldn't it? He couldn't do that to someone. He just needed more time. And he _did_ enjoy spending time with her. That had to count for something, right?

Remus stayed in the library for the rest of the day, opting to skip dinner, and then wandered around the castle for a while after Madam Pince threw him out to lock up. And when Remus finally went to bed that night, instead of dreaming about a pair of sweet, lip-glossy lips, he dreamed about a pair of warm, rougher ones.


	5. Chapter 5

It was mid-December, it was _still_ raining, and Remus had been dating Hannah-Anderson-the-Ravenclaw for nearly a month now, and Sirius hated her. She was too quiet, for one thing; how could Remus find _anything_ at all to talk about with her? And she giggled too much, an annoying laugh that grated on Sirius's nerves. Besides, Remus wasn't happy with her, Sirius could tell. Sure, he might walk around all smiley and talkative when he was with her, which seemed to be all the time, but when he wasn't around her, Remus seemed to wither a little bit. The last transformation had been hard on him, too, and Remus seemed so tired, so old, like he had a huge weight on his shoulders all the time.

And Sirius knew that Remus wasn't sleeping very well anymore. In the middle of the bloody night Remus would get up and slip out of the dormitory, staying up well into the nighttime Merlin knows where, and then slipping back into his bed right before dawn, getting only a few hours of sleep. The circles under his eyes were getting ridiculous.

Sirius had no idea why his friend was so unhappy. Well, he did know why - but he chose to push that reason out of his mind, pretend it wasn't there, and instead blame Hannah. Stupid, blonde, Hannah.

Without really knowing why, or at least pretending not to know why, Sirius grew extremely bad-tempered with each passing day, with each time he saw Remus and Hannah laughing together. He began to curse at first-years, get in fist fights and duels with James, make fun of Peter more than usual, and yell at teachers when they gave him too much homework. Everyone started to avoid him, and even James wasn't too keen to spend much time with him anymore (although, really, James enjoyed the fighting because he always beat Sirius) which only added to Sirius's irritability. No one knew why he had been in such a black mood for over a month, and no one bothered to ask him why.

One night, early in the evening in the second week of December, it was raining worse than usual; the entire sky had turned dark, the stars hidden by rainclouds. Sirius was sitting in the common room, picking at the stitching of the chair he was in. He had walked into the library earlier, actually meaning to finish the insane amounts of homework that had piled up, and had nearly crashed straight into Remus and - who else - Hannah, laughing. If that weren't bad enough, James and Peter were sitting at the table too, laughing along with all the rest. _Traitors_, he had thought darkly. Now he was sitting up here, alone, with only a few obnoxious first-years around him to keep him company. And even they were having a good time, laughing about stupid first-year things.

Sirius wasn't like this. Sirius Black didn't sit around by himself moping, he told himself. So why the bloody hell was he doing so now? He blamed Hannah again.

"Black, what's the matter with you?" A soft voice shook him out of his self-pity. He looked up and saw Lily Evans gazing at him with concern.

Lily wasn't really interfering by nature. She didn't believe that it was her place to fix everyone's problems. However, she did believe that it was wrong to not try and help one of her friends - and for some strange reason, she had begun to think of the Marauders as her friends. Sure, she hated James with a cheerful passion, but he probably meant well, although she had her doubts. Remus, of course, was lovely, and even the arrogant Sirius Black had been known to be kind now and then.

But that wasn't why she was talking to Sirius.

After she had gotten Hannah and Remus to go out, she had hoped that Remus would cheer up. That had been the entire reason for her meddling, after all. And at first she had thought that it was working: Remus seemed much happier when he was with Hannah. But then she began to notice that there was a slight strain to his laugh, and that the circles under his eyes only got deeper, not smaller. Clearly, Remus wasn't any happier than when she had seen him that night sneaking out of the common room. And now Lily was unsure of why Remus had been unhappy in the first place, which led her to believe that she was missing most of the story.

That was why she started to pay close attention when she noticed how irritable Sirius had become too, how his face would clench when he saw the couple together, and she started wondering if Sirius had something to do with it, if he was part of the story. Lily wanted to know what was going on, because yes, she was curious, but more than that she wanted to help Remus and even Sirius if it came to that. That was why she was talking to Sirius.

"Why do you care, Evans?" Sirius said irritably, turning away from her intense green eyes. Lily sat down next to him.

"I care because you've been mooning about for the past few weeks, yelling at everyone in your path, and no one's bothered to say anything to you." She said crisply. Sirius's gut clenched at her choice of words.

"I haven't been _mooning_," he muttered mutinously.

"You and Remus both," she sighed, almost to herself. Sirius narrowed his eyes in surprise - maybe he wasn't the only one who had noticed Remus's despondency. Then Lily spoke his name. "Sirius," she said, and her use of his name for the first time possibly ever made him bring his chin up to meet her eyes. There was something warm and open about them, something that made Sirius feel like he could trust her. They reminded him of Remus's eyes, eyes he hadn't been able to meet for over a month. More than that, though, just the care and worry that he saw in them, something that no one had showed towards him since he had been at Mrs. Potter's house over the summer, touched him almost as much as it surprised him. Abruptly he found himself opening up to her a little.

"It's that bloody Hannah," Sirius said angrily, eyes flashing as words started to pour out of his mouth. "She's all Remus spends time with anymore, but I know he's not happy with her - and don't look at me like that, I know you agree with me - and he never hangs out with his mates anymore. Or at least some of them." Lily pursed her lips.

"Well," she began slowly, treading cautiously. "I do know that he's not happy, although I don't know why, but it sounds to me like.. like you're jealous, Sirius." Sirius stared at her for a moment.

"Jealous?" he roared incredulously, making the first years jump nervously. He glanced over at them and then lowered his voice a little. "Why the hell would I be jealous, Evans?" Sirius's eyes were narrowed into stormy grey slits. Lily personally thought that his defensiveness was only proving her argument, but she decided not to point this out.

This gave her pause, though. Why _would_ Sirius be jealous? James and Peter had obviously gotten past Remus spending lots of time with Hannah; in fact, she happened to know they were all in the library together right now. She herself had spent time, both with Hannah alone and with the couple together, and felt perfectly fine with it. Her eyes widened slightly as a new idea came to her. No.. it wasn't possible. Could Sirius be jealous of _Hannah_, not just the time she spent with him? Her mouth fell open.

"Oh, my God," she said, using a muggle expression, and Sirius eyed her warily. "Sirius, are you in love with Remus?" If he was, she thought, it would certainly explain his recent bad temper. But still, she felt as though a piece of the puzzle was still missing. What would that have to do with Remus's unhappiness?

Sirius stared at her in horror, his mouth dropping open too. "What? No! Are you mad?" he spluttered. But it was too late. God, she was quick. All of the things that he had been denying and that he had stuck in the back of his mind and had been trying not to think about suddenly came loose. Sirius sank into his chair. "Of course I'm not. I'm not a sodding poof." But this renouncement was weaker than the last. "I can't be."

Lily put a hand to her mouth. This definitely wasn't what she had been expecting. "Sirius, it's okay," she said lamely. "You.. you should tell Remus." Then she paused - last time she had given relationship advice, happiness hadn't exactly been reached. But Sirius was already shaking his head.

"It's not that easy," he said roughly, at the moment giving up on denying the obvious. And then, both reluctantly and with relief, he told her everything that had happened between them.

When he got to the part where he had told Remus that he had only kissed him because he had been bored, Lily's mouth fell open again. Then she smacked him on the shoulder sharply, ignoring Sirius's cry of pain.

"You arse! You stupid, cowardly arse! How could you say that?" she whispered fiercely. No wonder poor Remus had been so miserable lately - clearly he had been unhappy enough to try and go out with a girl, which was why he had asked Hannah out. It all made sense now - why Remus was _still_ unhappy, and why Hannah would always grow quiet whenever Lily would ask about the snogging.

Sirius looked up at Lily, hurt. "I'm not a coward, Ev - Lily," he protested. She stared him down. "Oh, no?" she snorted. "Then explain why you would run away from boy you were in love with after he confronted you about kissing him!" she was becoming slightly incoherent with her sentence grammar, but Sirius was knew what she was getting at. "Why the hell would you tell him a lie like that? Didn't you see how much you hurt him? And it's not like you got anything out of it either, Black."

Moving uncomfortably in his seat, Sirius tried to think of a reason. Why had he done it? Well, okay, maybe he _had_ been afraid, but there was no way he was going to tell Lily that. "I told you," he said hotly. "I'm not gay."

Lily's anger seemed to vanish. "Oh, Sirius." She said softly, a little sadly. "If you're not gay, than why are you so unhappy right now? Why are you so jealous of Hannah? Why did you kiss him in the first place?" when she saw his mouth open to respond, she interrupted him. "Don't give me that rubbish about being bored, we both know that isn't true. Sirius, you being gay doesn't change anything about you."

Sirius slumped forward in his chair. "I'm a Black, Lily. I can't be gay." He was whispering now, almost inaudibly. Lily leaned forward and hugged him tightly, hardly able to believe that she was actually hugging the insufferable Sirius Black and how much had changed in one night, and whispered back at him, "It's okay, Sirius. It's okay."

Just letting out a long sigh, Sirius hugged Lily back and then pulled away. "I s'pose," he said doubtfully. Suddenly he felt embarrassed. The redhead seemed to sense this and she stood up.

"I still think you should talk to Remus, Sirius. Just tell him everything. I think he'll understand."

Still looking hesitant, Sirius nodded slightly. "Maybe."

Lily smiled. "Good luck, Black." Sirius returned the grin, and the same old arrogant Black smile was back.

"Like I need luck, Evans," he scoffed. But then his smile gentled a little. "Thanks, though, Lily."

"Anytime, Sirius." She said sincerely. "I hope it all works out for you."

"Me too," he sighed as she walked away. "Me too." But then he rubbed his hands together, stifling a pang of fear in his stomach. He had some planning to do.

--

By now it was habit for Remus to check the window when he woke up to see if it was still raining or not. Today was no exception - it was still raining. But as he peered sleepily out of the glass, he saw that the rain, while coming down heavily, seemed more solid than usual. Perhaps snow was finally coming. Cheered slightly by this thought, Remus slipped out of bed wondering if today could possibly be a good day. He had, like all the other nights, stayed out late last night, but by now he was getting used to running on little sleep. Still, despite his growing accustomed to the night exploring, the fact that he couldn't get to sleep even now depressed him. Things with Hannah had barely improved at all for him; he still loved to spend time with her, but whenever she wanted to snog.. well, it was getting worse. And he had started to stay out later and later.

When he got to the Great Hall for breakfast, he scanned the Ravenclaw table for Hannah, but he didn't see her. Frowning slightly, he went instead to his own table. Was she okay? Usually they met up to eat together, as Remus had been trying to stay away from his own table - and Sirius - as much as possible.

It had been a while since he had eaten at the Gryffindor table, and he sat down next to Peter. Sirius was sitting across from them, eating an apple, but James hadn't shown up yet - he was probably late.

It was the Friday before Christmas holiday, and everyone was edgy - personally, Remus thought it would be a miracle of James showed up for classes at all. This year's break was longer than usual, and it started on this Sunday, only the third Sunday of December. Just then, Sirius spoke, jolting Remus out of his thoughts.

"No Hannah today, eh? That's a shame." There was a sort of knowing gleam in Sirius's eyes, but Remus didn't pick up on that - he was too surprised that his friend had talked to him at all. Methodically buttering a slice of toast, Remus just made a noncommittal sound and Sirius turned away.

The rest of the day passed by murderously slow, and then suddenly it was the start of break. Everyone's spirits lifted considerably, and there was much shouting and yelling in the common room. Remus, however, didn't feel like sharing in on the festivities.

He was growing a little worried. Remus hadn't seen Hannah at all during the day, which was very unusual. Typically they met up at least a few times in the hallways or at meals. Finally he had to leave the common room, starting to feel annoyed by the noise and growing uncomfortable under Sirius's gaze - he had been staring at him for the past few minutes, which baffled Remus. It was getting later, close to curfew, but for Remus it was pretty early. He wandered in random directions, not going anywhere specific but unconsciously on the lookout for Hannah.

Suddenly he saw her, going up the staircase that led to the Ravenclaw common room. He caught her eye, but when she saw him she narrowed her eyes and turned to keep walking up the staircase. Remus stopped. Had he done something to anger her? He felt an inexplicable rush of guilt; maybe he hadn't done anything, but she had finally grown tired of his obvious lack of attraction towards her.

He ran up the stairs and quickly caught up to her in a hallway. He put a hand on her shoulder, and she whipped around to stare at him, an accusation in her eyes.

"I know," she said very calmly. Remus stared at her, eyebrows tightened. What was she talking about?

"I can't believe you, Remus." Still speaking evenly. "I sincerely thought you were a good person." Remus opened his mouth, but she rushed forward, speaking quickly now, losing some of her cool. "How could you do this to me?" a small sob worked its way out of her throat, and she turned away from him.

He stepped around her and put a hand to her shoulder again, but she shoved it away.

"What did I do?" he felt stupid and childish, asking that question, but he didn't have a clue what she was talking about. Hannah's eyes flashed, and she stepped forward angrily.

"You know exactly what you did, Remus Lupin." His questioning look was the only answer he could give. She let out another sob. "Are you going to try and pretend that you don't know? That you didn't cheat on me with Luciana Pewter?"

She lost it, and tears started sliding down her cheeks. Remus stood, frozen, as she backed away from him.

"Cheat.. on you? I didn't.. why do you think.. who told you that?" his mind was whirling and he could barely think, let alone talk, straight. Why the hell would she think that he had cheated on her?

Hannah had turned around and was walking away from him quickly, but she tossed the words over her shoulder as she ran. "Sirius Black told me. Stay away from me, Remus. I don't want to have to see you ever again."

If possible, Remus felt even more floored. Sirius. Sirius had lied to Hannah about him cheating on her. But why would he tell her a story like that?

A dull anger thudded through Remus, and he clenched his fists together. Sirius had gone too far this time, and even if Remus was slightly relived that the whole Hannah fiasco was over, he had never wanted her to be hurt like this. Finding that he could walk again, he did so quickly with a purpose. With measured steps he walked back to the Gryffindor common room, through the portrait, and up to where James and Peter were sitting by the fire. They cheered rowdily when he walked in, clearly still celebrating the end of term. Remus ignored their yells and looked around the room, only coming towards them when he didn't see the face he was looking for.

"Where's Sirius?" the anger was making its way out now, but Remus managed to keep his voice quiet. James frowned, clearly wondering what the matter was.

"Dunno, Moony, Padfoot left after you did. Didn't say where he was going. Why-"

But Remus was off again, back through the portrait hall. Sirius couldn't run. Not this time. When he reached the hallway, though, he wasn't sure where to go. Sirius could be anywhere, and Remus didn't want to search the entire castle.

Suddenly he had an idea. Pulling out a piece of parchment, Remus tapped it with his wand and muttered a quick spell. A very rough map of Hogwarts appeared, and Remus tapped it again and said, "Sirius Black." An inky dot appeared on a part of the map, and Remus nodded and wiped the map clean.

The map was an invention of his, something that he had been working on during the nights that he was exploring. James had given him the idea, really, one day when he had mentioned that they should make a map of Hogwarts - after all, who knew it better than they did? They were the ones who had begun to investigate it thoroughly during the full moons. So Remus had started to create a map while wandering the school at night, and he had added a useful charm to find people's locations onto it. The map wasn't complete yet, and he was sure his friend's would have some good ideas for it too when he showed it to them, but that wasn't on his mind as he stuffed it into his pocket.

Sirius was in the deserted Astronomy tower when Remus found him. He was staring up at the clouded night sky, and he didn't notice when Remus walked in. As always, Remus's heart gave a little beat when he saw the black-haired boy, but his anger at Sirius quickly pushed away any fluttering.

"Sirius." He growled. Sirius didn't turn around. "Sirius!" Remus said again, louder, more angrily. "Goddamn it, Sirius!"

At this, Sirius turned. Looking up at Remus, he didn't know what to say.

"Why the _hell_ did you go and tell Hannah that I cheated on her? Why, Sirius? I can't fathom any good reason except that you bloody want to make my life miserable! She won't even talk to me anymore!"

What Sirius wanted to say was that he had done it because he was in love with Remus, but he didn't. He couldn't do that. That had been his intention, but now, standing here with a furious Remus, he felt all of his bravery leaving him. Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea.

"I.." Sirius stopped and took a steadying breath. "I don't want to make your life miserable, Remus."

Remus stopped and stared incredulously at his friend. He suddenly felt less angry and much, much more tired. He looked past Sirius for a moment, and saw with a feeling of shock that snow was finally falling. The rain had gone. Marveling for a moment at the snow that was falling softly outside, Remus remembered how much he loved snow. It was so beautiful and simple, like a poem. Robert Frost's famous verse _Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening_ floated into Remus's head, and for a moment he forgot himself and his anger and Sirius and recited the words in his mind:

_Whose woods these are I think I know.  
His house is in the village, though;  
He will not see me stopping here__  
To watch his woods fill up with snow._

Then he realized that Sirius was still standing there, and his weariness came back.

"Then what, Sirius?" he asked softly, with a sigh, tired of it all. "What do you want?"

Sirius looked into Remus's worn out, beautiful face, and thought of Lily. Maybe she was right. Wasn't that why he had done this entire thing, after all? None of Sirius's bravery had stuck around, but perhaps he would have to do this without his courage.

"I want you to forgive me for the stupid lie I told you, Moony." A pause. "I.. didn't kiss you because I was bored. I kissed you because I wanted to." _And because you looked so bloody handsome in the rain that day._

Remus froze for the second time that day. He looked up at Sirius and tried to comprehend what he was saying. "You.. what?"

"I know that I was a complete arse towards you, and I'm sorry. I dunno why I said what I did. I.. Believe me, Moony, I never meant to hurt you, even though I know I did. I know I made you go through hell these past few weeks, and I'm sorry."_ I was afraid._

Remus's heart was beating rapidly, but he couldn't breathe very well. There was no way that this was actually happening, was there?

"And I'll understand if you can't forgive me, Remus, and I'll leave. I swear. I'll never bother you again."

A very long moment passed as Remus tried to process what was going on. He still couldn't think of anything to say.

Sirius looked at Remus and faltered. Would Remus forgive him? Another few seconds passed, and a look of fear crept onto Sirius's face, taking the place of the sincere emotions that had been there. There was still silence. Sirius felt panic completely take over - Remus was going to say no, he was going to say that he hated him - and he took a step forward, intending to rush forward past Remus and run again, run away and leave everything behind him.

Remus caught Sirius's arm with one hand and stopped him. A soft smile played on Remus's lips.

"You stupid dog," he said affectionately, with no real malice in his voice.

And then he leaned forward and kissed Sirius, who kissed him back, while the snow fell in beautiful patterns all around them.


	6. Chapter 6

Sirius Black was staring down at the parchment in front of him, his mouth curving into an irrepressible smile. He reread the letter again, for the fifth time, and then turned anxiously back to his own sheet of parchment, which remained frustratingly blank. He scowled slightly, stretching his arms forward over the desk, and then let out an annoyed sigh. No matter how hard he tried, the words just wouldn't come to him; he had yet to be able to copy Remus's perfect demeanor, and all of the letters he wrote seemed insincere to his own ears. Giving up on writing his own letter for the moment and glancing instead to Remus's letter beside him, his scowl eased into a shy grin as he revisited the note for the sixth time.

He and Remus had been corresponding relentlessly for the past few weeks while the winter holiday dragged on. For the first time in as long as he could remember, Sirius actually wished that he was on holiday somewhere else than at the Potter's house – say, with Remus.

But then he frowned again, because there was a part of him the cringed at that thought, which rebelled at the happiness that had filled up his heart. There was a part of him that was ashamed of being.. of feeling.. well, of being a poof, a bleeding _poof_. It was a small part, much smaller than it had used to be, and it grew even quieter and quieter the more he got used to the idea. In fact, most of the time the idea of being gay, and especially being gay with _Remus_, bloody wonderful Remus, was quite lovely.

And it scared him that he could get used to the idea of being a bender, almost as much as it excited him. Remus.. well, Remus was worth it all, wasn't he?

So why was he still having such a problem with getting used to the idea? Sirius let out a long, overdramatic sigh and put his head down on the desk, squinting at the letter again. The problem was when he forgot about Remus, forgot about how amazing Lupin was. When all he remembered instead was how his father used to make fun of "those ruddy fags" in the newspaper, when he thought about how James might react upon finding out, when he thought about the names people at school would call him.

But it wasn't as if this was a new idea to him, after all, a small voice in his head said. He'd never been interested in girls. Sirius couldn't remember even one time when he'd thought about liking a girl. Boys had always been better – better to talk with, better to fight with and to be around. Better to snog, as he'd found out in fourth year, and then again a few weeks ago. Not that he had anything to compare it to, but honestly, the idea of snogging a girl just didn't appeal to him. They were too.. nice smelling. And too clean, and too well put together. They seemed too untouchable, and far too giggly.

Boys, on the other hand.. and one boy in particular..

Sirius let out another smile, this one accompanied by a light blush out of slight mortification. Sirius had never really let himself think about these things, preferring to shut them out and lock them away in his mind, but somehow Remus was gently freeing his mind, letting him accept the things he had always preferred to hide.

Well, fine, say he was gay. Which he clearly was; at this point, he couldn't even really hide it from himself. But even if he had accepted it, what about everyone else? What would people say when supposed womanizer Sirius Black turned out to be gay? And his parents – they would never let him live it down. A Black, gay? They'd try to curse it out of him.

Thinking of his parents made Sirius flinch and close his eyes. Forget him, what would they do to Remus when they found out that he was the boy who had seduced him? At least they didn't know that Remus was a werewolf. Fear for Remus lashed through Sirius, leaving him cold and afraid. Maybe it was safer for Remus if they weren't together. But no, wasn't that being cowardly, again? Not if it was for Remus's sake, though, he reasoned. He'd do anything to make sure Remus was safe.

But if he wasn't seeing Remus, he didn't think he could deal with being gay. Remus was what made it all worth it, and if he didn't have him..

Damn it all, why did his parents have to ruin everything?

He'd just have to not let them find out. And even if they did, he'd keep Remus away from them. He'd protect Remus. He had to.

It was all too much. Sirius lifted his head up and stared out of the window in the guest room of the Potter's house, taking in the loveliness of the snow. All of these thoughts, these problems that kept circling around his head – these were the things that had stopped him from letting himself love Remus in the very beginning, the things that had caused him to run away after their first kiss and to reject Remus that first time. Because as much as Sirius selfishly wanted Remus to himself, he couldn't help but wonder if he would be bad for Remus, if he would corrupt him or cause him to get hurt.

Black's poisoned everything they touched, after all. It's what they did best.

A loud bang on the door startled Sirius out of his dark thoughts, and suddenly James burst through the room, grinning from ear to ear. "C'mon, then, Padfoot!" he roared. "You've been locked up in your room all day! What've you been doing, anyways? Writing your girlfriend?"

Sirius reddened a little, because James's accusation hit a little too close to home – just not in the way James thought.

"Jealous, Prongs? Sorry mate, but Evans just doesn't love you."

James scowled at his friend and snatched up the letter before Sirius could stop him. There was hardly anything written on it, and there was nothing revealing about it at all, but Sirius's heart still began to thump nervously in his chest as James examined it.

"It's just to Remus," he managed to say, his throat dry. When James didn't say anything, he continued, "Have you had any letters from him? Or from Peter?"

"Mm, yeah. Remus sent me one at the beginning of the hol, but I never got around to writing him back. Haven't had anything since."

Sirius had a brief flutter of happiness at the thought that Remus only been writing him regularly, and he smiled slightly, which earned him a weird look from James.

"Look, I'm not going to let you hole up here for the rest of the holiday. We've still got another week and a half before we have to go back to studying. C'mon!" James emphatically chucked the letter at Sirius, and then ducked out of the way with a laugh as the latter tackled him.

"I'll teach you to mess with my letters!" he growled, but he was still grinning as he let James distract him out of his brooding thoughts.

* * *

Finally, _finally_, the holiday ended, and for once Sirius was eager to leave the Potter's house and go back to school. He was also incredibly nervous, because he wasn't sure what would happen when he went back. After that night when he and Remus had made up and had kissed again in the snow, they hadn't done much talking. They had both stared at each other a little bashfully before quietly going back to the common room. Before they had both parted their separate ways for break, they had promised to write. And that had been it.

Even their letters had been practically devoid of anything romantic. Only subtle hints, brief allusions – nothing had been brought out into the open. What was going to happen? Would they start seeing each other, like a proper couple? Would Remus expect Sirius to come out, and would he want him to hold his hand in the halls? Sirius's stomach gave an unhappy twist. He wasn't ready for that. He didn't know if he ever would be, even if the idea of being able to hold Remus's hand was awfully distracting. Or would they become secret lovers? Meeting up in the middle of the night to snog? As appealing as the idea was, he wasn't sure if that was quite right, either; he didn't just want to snog Remus, he wanted to have a relationship with him, too. If he was going to be a poof, he might as well do it right. No, neither one seemed quite right. He didn't want a relationship, but he didn't want to just have the physical aspect of it, either.

Or, worse, what if nothing changed and they just went back to ignoring each other? Sirius wouldn't be able to stand it if that happened, wouldn't be able to have what he wanted so close to his grasp only to have it stolen away from him.

Annoyed with himself for fretting like a girl, Sirius shook off his thoughts and busied himself with looking for his friends. After arriving at platform nine and three quarters, James had magically disappeared, probably off to find and bother Lily. And now Sirius was left alone to face Remus, something he wasn't prepared for yet. Just as he was wishing that he could have more time, he caught sight of him.

Remus looked tired, but then, he always looked tired. He was lugging his heavy suitcase behind him, probably filled to the brim with muggle books. Remus was looking for something, or someone, and as Sirius was wondering who that someone was, Remus turned towards him and smiled. A big, happy smile that lit up his tired face and made him look younger, happier. Remus walked towards Sirius, and Sirius's own face lit up with a matching ridiculous grin, but somehow he didn't mind.

"Hi," Remus said.

"Hi," Sirius echoed. As they beamed at each other, all of Sirius's negative thoughts and worries were banished for the moment, whisked away in that smile.

There was a pause, and Sirius said the first thing he could think of. "Here," he said, "let me take your trunk. It looks heavy." He reached a hand forward.

"But you have your own heavy trunk to worry about," Remus started, being annoyingly practical, but Sirius had already picked up Remus's trunk and placed next to his own. They bumped hands in the process, and Sirius blushed slightly at the sudden warmth, reveling in the spark of electricity that passed between them.

"Want to take my trunk, too?" said Peter suddenly, appearing from the crowd, and the two boys jumped, startled out of their own little world. "Mine's even heavier, I bet," he complained.

Sirius reluctantly turned away from Remus and smirked at Peter.

"Stuffed it with sweets, have you, Wormtail?" he said, a little unkindly. Peter reddened, casting his eyes down, and Sirius felt bad. It wasn't Peter's fault that he had interrupted when he had. "But I suppose, then, if I don't carry your trunk you won't give me any, yeah?"

Peter looked up and smiled, allowing himself to be teased. "Yeah, that's right."

With a sigh Sirius turned to the train, and found an empty compartment. He loaded his own suitcase on, and then went back for the other two. As he turned around he realized that Remus had followed him, carrying his own suitcase, and smiling apologetically, Remus placed his own trunk next to Sirius's. Sirius couldn't help but smile back at him, before getting off the train to fetch Peter's suitcase.

The train ride to school passed pleasantly, with the four of them catching up with each other. But Sirius felt as though he hadn't had nearly enough time talking with Remus, because he was always getting up to do his prefect rounds, or because James wouldn't shut up about a particular topic, or any other number of reasons. Still, he reasoned, now that they were back at school they'd have plenty of time to talk, right? Right.

And perhaps they would have, except it always seemed like there was something to interrupt them. All through the feast they didn't have a moment to themselves, and then suddenly all of the Gryffindors were heading up to the common room together, and then the dormitory was full and everyone was in their beds and Sirius still hadn't talked to Remus properly. He was just worrying to himself, wondering when he would have a moment of peace to talk with Remus and sort through everything, when there came a sudden rustling at his bed hangings and Remus poked his head through quietly, with a crooked half smile.

"Fancy a walk with me?"

Sirius had to smile again, just at seeing Remus. He was starting to think that that was all he ever did when he saw Remus – smile. It was sort of a lovely thought.

"When did you get so suave?" said Sirius, not really managing to come up with a properly witty come back, being preoccupied both with beaming at Remus and trying to pull on his robes over his pajamas. Remus just smiled back at him, equally smitten with happiness.

When Sirius had finally gotten himself together, the two of them quietly padded out of the dormitory, careful not to wake the sleeping Peter or James. Then they slipped past the empty common room, and made it outside through the Fat Lady. For a while the boys walked in quiet companionship, just soaking up the other's company. Sirius battled with the desire to steal away Remus's hand, but lacked the courage to do it – what if someone saw, or worse, Remus pulled his hand away? Instead Sirius let out a soft sigh, which caused Remus to look up and give him a searching look. Sirius just raised his eyebrow impressively in response, allowing Remus to leave off his worries with a grin.

Unconsciously they wandered to the Room of Requirement, a place that neither of them had visited since the Marauder's had achieved becoming animagi earlier in the year. Once the door had opened for them, they found a small room where a bustling fire was going, with two toasty arm chairs nearby. They slid into the chairs and then turned to face each other.

There was a silence, and then –

"How was your holiday?"

"Long. I missed the castle, for once, and not even Mrs. Potter's cooking could make up for that. And I missed you, too. The letters were nice, though."

Remus blushed at that, quite appealingly, and Sirius had to smile again.

"Sirius –" began Remus, and suddenly Sirius was afraid, his cowardly side rearing up its ugly head. Although this was what he had wanted, to sit down and properly talk with Remus, and to finally sort everything out, he was abruptly afraid of what the outcome would be. He couldn't say exactly what it was that he was fearful of, but it was choking and all consuming. What if he hurt Remus again? Or what if he tainted him, took away his goodness? Sirius wouldn't be able to live with himself. So instead of allowing Remus to talk, Sirius chose to do what he was best at; he avoided the problem, pushing it away to deal with later.

He leaned forward and captured Remus's lips with his own, and although Remus made a soft sound of surprise, he didn't object. This kiss was not as shy as the first one, but it was still softly innocent. They pulled away after a minute, smiling at each other, before leaning forward again more eagerly as they began to kiss in earnest.

A little later they broke apart again and reluctantly stood up. Remus hesitated, and then leaned forward to capture one last kiss from Sirius.

"It's late," Remus said sadly. Sirius imprisoned Remus's hand, playing with it, and smiled distractedly.

"If you're saying that," Sirius said, "then it must be true."

Ruefully they got up together and left the room, dropping hands once they had reached the hallway. They didn't say much, as Sirius was content with silence and Remus was eager to remain out of trouble, and they made it back to the common room uneventfully. The Fat Lady was extremely unhappy to be woken up, and she threatened to leave them out for the care keeper to find, but eventually she let them in. They paused in the empty common room.

"We didn't get to talk much," noted Remus. Sirius let out a sleepy yawn.

"There's always tomorrow, Moony. And the next day. And the day after that," he said, with a true slacker's attitude, trying to hide the sinking feeling in his stomach and wondering just how long he could put off reality. Remus allowed this and they climbed up the stairs into the dormitories, and back into their separate beds, where Sirius spent a restless night.

* * *

As it turned out, Remus and Sirius didn't have a chance to talk the next day, or the day after that, or even the day after that. They had been hit hard with a slew of work, and all of a sudden the professors were intent on getting the fifth years ready for their O.W.L.S. Even James had barely enough time for stalking Lily, what with his Quidditch practice on top of all of the work. So it wasn't surprising that Sirius found plenty of ways to avoid having a one-on-one conversation with Remus.

And whenever they _were_ alone, which tended to happen in the middle of some nights, Sirius found that he could easily distract Remus with his (as Sirius himself judged it) considerable prowess in kissing.

But although the snogging and the smiles and the secret hand holding were wonderful, Sirius still couldn't sleep at night, and he couldn't help but notice that Remus had gone back to his old insomniac habits.

Sirius wanted Remus; he wanted a relationship with Remus. But he was afraid, afraid of what would happen if he got too close to Remus and hurt him, or corrupted him, or was found out by his parents, or by James and Peter –

And so he, in true Sirius fashion, evaded the problem.

He wasn't the only one who had opinions, however, and Remus wasn't the kind to just be content with meaningless kisses. Remus had already had a mental relationship with Hannah, but he wasn't content with just the physical relationship either, even if it was with Sirius. He wanted a true relationship, not just one side of the spectrum.

If Sirius was being honest, that's what he wanted, too. So he had mixed feelings when Remus finally brought it up, a few weeks after they had gotten back from break. They were both sitting in the library, alone during daylight hours for once, when Remus leaned forward and started speaking in a hushed tone.

"Padfoot," he began softly, and Sirius looked up at him, a sinking feeling in his stomach. "Don't you think we should.. I dunno, go out on a date, or something?"

Sirius stiffened slightly, and put down the book that he had been pretending to read. "Er," he said, but Remus hurried on. "It's just, we never get to talk, really talk. And we still haven't talked properly about what we're doing. And I'd like.. it'd be nice if we went out."

"We could always talk at night, in the room of requirement," Sirius said nervously.

Remus's mouth curled upward slightly. "Right, because that's been working so well," he said wryly, and something in his eyes made Sirius think that Remus knew what he'd been playing at all of these weeks.

"But it'd be in public," he said anxiously. "And someone might see us. Couldn't we talk somewhere privately, at least?"

"That's my point!" insisted Remus. "If it was in public, you wouldn't be able to distract me."

Sirius had to admit that this line of thinking, although not favorable, was fairly sound. Remus continued, "And we could go somewhere that most students don't go, like the Hog's Head. No one would see us. Even if someone did, we could just pretend that we were two friends enjoying each other's company. Why would anyone suspect otherwise?"

For a moment Sirius was silent, unsure. A large part of him ached for this, wanted what Remus was describing. But the other part of him was hesitant, still afraid.

"Please, Sirius?" asked Remus, finally. "I would very much like to go on a date with you."

And how could Sirius say no? "I'd.. I would too." He said finally, managing a smile, and suppressing the pangs of anxiety that shot through him at his words. Sirius focused on Remus's happy look, reminding himself that it was all for Remus and seeing that smile. He would do anything to make Remus smile.

So, on the next Hogsmeade trip, Remus and Sirius, after making excuses to James and Peter, set off to the Hog's Head. Frigid snow was falling happily around them, and it brought Sirius back to the memory of that night on the Astronomy tower, easing some of his nerves.

"Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village, though," Remus quoted softly, and Sirius looked over at him quizzically. Remus just smiled enigmatically and said, "It's muggle poetry, Pad. It's lovely stuff."

Sirius, who wanted to know everything about Remus, questioned him on this, but all he got out of Remus was the name Robert Frost. This light banter lasted while they were walking to the Hog's Head, and when they entered the shop they were both feeling cheerful. It was mostly empty, except for a few stiff looking older witches and wizards, and the blue-eyed bar tender did nothing but glare at them suspiciously before letting Sirius buy two butterbeers. Sirius carried the dusty glasses over to a table, and sat down across from Remus. They stared at each other, and Sirius took a drink to hide his sudden shyness. It was as though all of his cocky and suave comments fled his brain when he was with Remus, and he was left bare, awkward and unsure. Had it always been like that with Remus? He wondered to himself.

The chatted idly for a while, drinking their butterbeers, but instead of relaxing Sirius could feel himself getting more and more tense with each sip of his drink. He kept glancing at the door, checking to see if any of his school mates were walking by, and he was fretfully waiting for Remus to start talking about their relationship. When Remus finally brought it up, Sirius had worked himself into a near state of panic, even though he himself was slightly unsure of what he was so worried for.

"So," said Remus.

"So," Sirius echoed, his stomach twisting.

"I really like you," Remus murmured frankly, putting down his drink and turning slightly pink. "I mean, I'm sure you already know that, Sirius. But.. I just wanted you to hear it. And, I don't just want an illicit affair with you, as romantic as that sounds. I want to be with you. To have a real relationship with you – to have it mean something." He broke off, and then laughed self-consciously. "Oh Merlin, I sound like a girl."

Sirius's heart had begun to ache, but his insides had turned to ice. This was what he wanted, and he knew it – but it was exactly what he was afraid of, too. He desperately wondered how one person could be so confused. His two desires battled with each other in his mind, and he was conscious of Remus watching him, waiting for him to say something.

"I.." he began, trying to buy himself time. "I have to go, Remus."

And abruptly he stood up and fled out of the Hog's Head, leaving Remus behind for the third time in his life, and feeling worse about it than he had the past two times combined. But he couldn't go back, he just couldn't.

Despondently, he made his way up the deserted path to the Shrieking Shack, shivering slightly from the cold. The snow was beginning to fall thickly in earnest, but Sirius didn't pay it any attention. When he got to the Shrieking Shack he gazed at it, for a moment, reminded painfully of Remus, before turning away to sit on a rock nearby and finally allowing his muddled thoughts to flow freely through his mind.

He had messed up, again. Of course he had. He was a Black, and like all Blacks he was cursed to ruin everything he touched.

Sirius wanted to be with Remus, wanted to love him and steal him away and claim him as his own. But how could he? How could he when he destroyed everything he touched? If Remus was with him, he would be corrupted and hurt – like he already had. Or, even if Sirius, by some miracle, didn't manage to hurt him, then his parents would.

If Sirius really loved Remus, then he would have to let him go. It was better for Remus not to be involved with a Black, better and safer for him. And Sirius, despite his own desires, had to do what was best for Remus.

Putting his hand over his eyes and noticing suddenly a horrible ache in his heart, which beat out the words, _alone, alone, alone_, Sirius did not allow himself to cry. A Black did not cry in public. As he was focusing on not crying, Sirius dimly realized that the reason he had been so uneager to speak with Remus about their relationship was because a part of him had known that this was what it would come to.

Because he had hidden his eyes to the world, Sirius didn't notice that Remus had followed him up the path through the snow. It wasn't until Remus was standing right in front of him that Sirius realized he was there.

"I let you walk away from me twice, Sirius, and I'm not letting you do it again," Remus said, a firm look in his eyes. "I'm not letting you go again."

Sirius shook his head, feeling miserable and hating himself, his heart ragged. "Remus, we can't be together."

"Why?" asked Remus fiercely. "Do you not feel the same way about me? Just tell me, Sirius, and we won't have to do this anymore."

"Of course I feel the same! Merlin."

"I.. then what is it, Sirius? Is this about being gay, and about people finding out?" Remus's voice had calmed a little, but he still had an intense look in his eye.

"No."

There was a silence, and then Sirius realized he would have to explain, finally. Haltingly, he spoke. "Remus, I'm not a good person. My family isn't made up of good people. If you.. if we're together.. I don't want you to get hurt, or corrupted by me, or.." his words were spiraling out of control, and he couldn't seem to form a coherent argument. And, on top of that, to his utter embarrassment, tears had begun to fall down his face. He wiped them away angrily. "I can't let you get hurt, you see? I'm not good." He repeated.

"I know you, Sirius, and you aren't your family. You're a good person. You're a Gryffindor! You're one of the best people I know." Remus was speaking furiously, with passion in his voice. Sirius looked up, disbelieving, and began to shake his head angrily. Why didn't Remus understand? But Remus cut him off, and kept talking. "Who else would become an animagus for their werewolf friend? Or stand up for them constantly? Or always be there when they needed them the most? Or any other number of wonderful things that you've done?"

Sirius said nothing, so Remus continued.

"And I'm not afraid of your family. They can't touch us, Sirius. They can't ruin this."

Again Sirius was silent. Remus crept closer to Sirius and took his mittened hand with two of his own, holding them tightly. "Besides, shouldn't I get to decide if I want to be corrupted by you or not?" he said softly, a gentle smile on his face. "Sirius Black, I'm not letting you go that easily."

Sirius finally looked up into Remus's eyes. "Moony, I don't want you to get hurt," he whispered. "I don't want to hurt you again."

"The only way you'll hurt me is if you don't act on your feelings. I want to be with you, Sir. More than anything in the world. I don't care about anything else."

Feeling slightly breath taken, Sirius for a moment allowed himself to believe that maybe it was possible that they could be together. Was it possible that he _could_ be the one to protect and love Remus, instead of the one to hurt him?

"More than anything in the world, Sirius. I want you," Remus repeated. "You."

And finally he whispered, "Remus.. me too. More than anything in the world. It's always been you." Then he clasped Remus tightly to him, vowing to never let this wonderful boy go, to never let him get hurt.

It was a long walk back to the castle in the freezing snow, but neither of them minded – not while they had each other.

**Author's note: Ahh.. hello. (: I'm so, so sorry that I haven't updated since last April. My muse died, and only recently has it been revived. Now I'm really eager to finish the story, and hopefully there are still some people who want to read it! Since my muse still isn't exactly what it used to be, I've changed the story around a little; now it's going to be more of a brief outline of their entire relationship, without going into all of the little details as much. Basically, I'm going to do different scenes from different periods of time. It'll make sense eventually. Alas, my muse still seems a little flightly, and school work is also piling up, so I don't know how consistently I'll be updating – but I promise, I **_**will**_** finish this story. Hope you enjoy!**


	7. Chapter 7

"Remus!"

At the sound of his name, a tall, freckled boy poked his head in through the door and smiled pleasantly up at his mother. "What, Mum?"

Upon seeing her son, the hard lines that creased the face of the quiet Mrs. Lupin since the death of her husband a few months ago eased a little, and she walked over to hug her son tightly. He hugged her back for a moment, before ducking out of her grasp and shooting an anxious look outside. The woman sighed, and then tucked a few loose wispy hairs back behind her ears.

"Are you all set to go?" she asked, causing Remus to turn his head back around and look at her again. "You need to get the last of the vegetables to the market before it closes."

Her son nodded. "Don't worry, Mum. Sirius and I've got it covered." he started to edge out of the door, itching to get back into the beckoning lovely summer day.

Still anxious, she called out, "You'll be careful driving, won't you?" Remus just smiled at her, and said, "I love you, Mum," before walking out the door and getting into the old truck.

Since the death of Remus's father, just barely a few months before, Mary Lupin had become a very tired, sad creature. Whenever Remus was home, he always tried to make his mother smile again, even if it was just by doing small chores like taking the handful of vegetables they grew to the farmer's market. And, of course, the appealing added benefit of alone time with Sirius was more than enough incentive by itself.

At the thought of his boyfriend, Remus had to smile widely and happily, sneaking a glance at the beautiful boy who sat next to him. They had been together all through the remainder of fifth year, and the entirety of sixth year, and Remus had never been happier in his whole life. Even when his father had died, Sirius had been there for Remus. Now it was the summer before their last year at Hogwarts, and Sirius had happily been spending all of his lazy summer days at the Lupin's house. Mrs. Lupin was charmed by loud, joyful boy, grateful of the distraction from the otherwise quiet house, and she was even more grateful of the fact that Remus had such a good friend. Of course, thought Remus regretfully, a sick feeling in his stomach, he hadn't yet told his mother just how good of friends they were.

"What're you smiling about?" asked Sirius, breaking Remus out of his thoughts and reminding him that he was still smiling ridiculously.

"You," he replied simply, causing Sirius's face to break into a cocky grin.

Conscious of his mother's eyes and fearful of becoming too intoxicated by Sirius's presence as to inhibit his driving skills, Remus looked away and began backing up the rusted old truck. As impressed by this fascinating muggle act as always, Sirius watched as Remus began to drive up the winding empty country road, handsomely grinning all the while.

As Remus drove, Sirius turned his attention towards the radio. This wasn't his first time in a car, as he and Remus had made more than a few trips in one throughout the summer so far, and he was finally beginning to understand how to work the radio.

Sirius already had a large knowledge of muggle rock bands, as listening loudly to muggle music was one of the things that was guaranteed to annoy his parents. So he switched on the radio, fiddling around for a station that he liked. Remus let him flip from station to station, even when he heard songs that he liked (jazz, mostly, or some country), but when he heard the Beatles he stopped Sirius.

"Don't switch this one," he insisted. To which Sirius raised an eyebrow. "The bloody Beatles?"

Remus kept one eye on the road and the other on Sirius. "Everyone loves the Beatles, Pads. Just admit it."

Sirius grumbled insincerely to himself, but left the station alone. Although the Beatles weren't as big a deal as they had been 10 years ago, no one could forget them and radio stations constantly played them.

Grinning half-crookedly at Sirius, Remus began to sing along with the radio. "Oh please, say to me, you'll let me be your man. And please, say to me, you'll let me hold your hand."

Sirius just put on expression of martyrdom, but Remus kept at it. "And when I touch you I feel happy, inside. It's such a feeling that my love.. I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide!"

When Remus hit the last notes of the verse rather horribly, Sirius couldn't do much but smile helplessly at him, and then give in to sing with him the ending part of the song. "I want to hold your hand, I want to hold your hand, I want to hold your hand."

The song ended and the radio talk host began to buzz about something in a deep baritone, so Sirius switched down the volume.

"Well," conceded Sirius, "I'll admit the Beatles did get some of it right." And with that he captured one of Remus's hands, leaving him only one to drive with. But Remus didn't mind, and he interlaced his fingers with Sirius's, sighing contently.

* * *

Not too long after, one afternoon found them trekking through the Lupin's sprawling countryside property with a picnic basket in tow. It was sunny and pleasantly hot, and after Remus had finished his chores (Sirius attempting to help and really just being somewhat of a hindrance, but that didn't matter) his mother had turned them both out to roam, insisting they get out of the house. They had gladly complied, and now they were wandering through the fields, holding hands. They were far enough from civilization and from the house that their only company was the buzzing bees, although Remus was beginning to wonder if he even cared if anyone saw anymore. It's not like he wanted to go out of his way to tell people – except, of course, his mother, and they still hadn't told James, Peter, or Lily – but he wasn't ashamed to be holding the hand of the person he loved most in the world.

After passing a stream and wading through knee-high grass, they finally found a shady spot around a patch of clover to stop and eat at. Remus got out a blanket and spread it on the ground, and then Sirius started unpacking all of the food.

"Ah, Merlin, your mum's a wonderful cook," groaned Sirius as they began to eat in earnest, hungry after walking for so long.

Remus nodded agreement and then asked, "What about your mum? When you were still living with her, I mean." Sirius had left home the past Christmas, spending the entirety of it with the Potters, and he hadn't even gone home once over the summer holiday – he'd just gone straight to the Lupin's.

Sirius's face darkened a little, and he snorted. "She can't cook for shite. The house elves would usually cook meals for us. I guess I inherited it from her, because I can't cook either." He seemed to find this last part amusing, and laughed blackly.

Wishing he hadn't brought it up, Remus licked the last bit of plum pudding off of his spoon and started on a sandwich. "I can't cook either," he admitted.

"Well, we'll just have to kidnap your mum and keep her around to make meals for us forever." Sirius decided grandly, losing his gloomy humor. "Or Mrs. Potter. She makes the best Sunday lunches."

"That she does," chuckled Remus, having eaten at the Potter's on more than one occasion.

Once they had finished the meal they sat lazily for a while, enjoying each other's company, just talking of everything and nothing and enjoying the sun. It was warm enough outside that they felt drowsy, especially from their meal, but not hot enough to be unbearable. Eventually Sirius rooted around to see what was left in the picnic basket, and then started to laugh. After almost seven years of knowing Remus, he was used to him being a book worm, but this was almost too much.

"Moony, you brought a book?"

Remus smiled. "Of course! I bring one everywhere. Mum does, too, and I'm sure that's where I picked up the habit." He paused, thoughtful. "Mum once told me that she would take books with her when she went on dates, and if she started reading and her date complained, she would know that he wasn't the one. But when she and Dad went on their first date and she started reading, he just happily watched her. She said that's how she knew he was meant for her. He always said he loved watching her read." His smile faded a little, for remembering his father was still painful. Sirius hurried on, hoping to distract Remus.

"Yeah, but I didn't know that everywhere included picnics."

"Picnics are the best place of all for books. Have you no romantic spirit?"

"No."

"Well, a little Shakespeare will fix that."

"A little what?"

"Haven't you ever heard of Shakespeare?"

"Is it a muggle thing?"

"Yes."

"Then no. I've grown up around wizards, remember?"

"But this isn't just some muggle thing! It's Shakespeare!"

Sirius just gave him a quizzical look, smirking indulgently. Remus groaned, and gestured to the book. "My mother would be mortified. Someone staying under her roof and not knowing Shakespeare! We'll have to fix this."

Instead of handing the book over Sirius began to flip through it. "A Winter's Tale," he read out loud.

"It's my favorite one," said Remus. "I've read it a thousand times."

"Mm, I dunno, it's all beaten up. You haven't taken very good care of it," he teased. The book's spine was nearly broken and some of the pages held on to the book purely through sheer willpower.

Remus snatched it from him and held it tight. Then he laughed, examining it. "Maybe I _have_ loved it to pieces."

"I wouldn't mind if you loved me to pieces," deadpanned Sirius, and then he grinned, pulling Sirius nearer to him. They kissed and Remus dropped the book, moving closer to Sirius.

"I love you, d'you know that?" Remus whispered suddenly, pulling back a little from Sirius to see his face. Sirius stopped for a moment, and then began to beam. "Not nearly as much as I love you," argued Sirius.

Remus couldn't stop himself from smiling. "I have to disagree with that."

"Oh yeah?"

And then they were kissing again, more intently this time, and hugging each other tight, and Remus never wanted to let go of this moment, this wonderful beautiful moment.

After their lips were chapped and they were out of breath, they broke apart, sighing happily at each other. Remus picked up the book and then settled himself against Sirius, who was sitting with his back against a tree, leaning his head on top of Sirius's chest.

Remus began to read, his voice soft but full of emotion. He had a good reading voice, one that was meant to read out loud, as well as an ear for the meter; besides, he had read through A Winter's Tale so often that he nearly knew it by heart. Sirius watched Remus as he read, loving the way his lips moved and all of the endearing expressions that flitted fleetingly past his face, feeling that each one was precious to him.

"If you shall chance, Camillo, to visit Bohemia, on the like occasion whereon my services are now on foot, you shall see, as I have said, great difference betwixt our Bohemia and your Sicilia.."

To his surprise, Sirius found that he fiercely loved the play. Sirius had never been one for books, preferring to study only when he had to and instead choosing to do other things for pleasure, but something about the language of Shakespeare tugged on his heart. Perhaps it was Remus's voice, or just the fact that this was Remus's favorite play, but he found himself absorbed in the story, so much so that he nearly forgot to watch Remus. He was so engrossed in the story that when Remus stopped reading, Sirius felt confused for a moment – what had happened? Why had he stopped? – before he realized that Remus was staring up at him.

"I thought you'd fallen asleep, you were so quiet," remarked Remus jokingly. "Sorry if I bored you, Pads."

Sirius shook his head. "No, it was wonderful!" his voice held a note of awe and admiration that Remus had never heard before.

"Has Sirius Black fallen in love with Shakespeare?"

"I think I've fallen in love with its reader."

Even after a year and a half, Sirius still had the ability to make Remus blush. He ducked his head before awkwardly leaned his head up to kiss Sirius. Then Remus sat up and turned to face Sirius, causing Sirius to grumble slightly and try to reach out and imprison Remus.

"No, come back," he pleaded. "And keep reading!"

"I will," he promised. "But I want to read you something else first."

Feeling as though this was acceptable, Sirius dropped his hands and looked up at Remus, trying to pay strict attention but getting distracted by the wonderful freckles that Remus had. But what Remus said next made him forget about the freckles and look over at his boyfriend with all his attention.

"I'm going to tell you a secret," Remus said, and Sirius brightened.

"I love secrets," whispered Sirius facetiously.

"Well, it's not really a secret. Lily knows it already."

"You told Evans something before you told your boyfriend? Lupin!"

"I told her back in second year. It was when we first started talking about muggle books and poetry and stuff like that."

"What's poetry have to do with your secret?"

"That _is_ my secret."

"Moony, I love you" – and this made Remus grin, because he was finding that he loved it when Sirius said those words – "but you tell awful secrets."

Ignoring this statement, Remus pushed on. "More than I love Shakespeare or any other books, I love poetry. More than anything in the world, except you," he added thoughtfully.

Sirius hummed. "Can't say I've ever really read any, but what I have tends to make no bloody sense."

"You just have to read it the right way. And besides, it's more about the feeling that poetry gives you then the understanding. It's the words and the rhythms and the emotion. At the very least, if you can understand Shakespeare, then you should be able to understand Shakespearean sonnets."

"Alright. So let's hear one of these.. whatsists. Sonnet things. By Shakespeare."

"You really want to hear one?"

"If it's something you love," announced Sirius, "then I'm going to love it to. It's been decided."

"Alright. I'll tell you the sonnet that makes me think of you."

Remus paused for a moment, and then recited, eyes closed:

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?  
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:  
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,  
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:  
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,  
And oft' is his gold complexion dimmed;  
And every fair from fair sometime declines,  
By chance or nature's changing course untrimmed:  
But thy eternal summer shall not fade  
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;  
Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,  
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:  
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,  
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee."

He opened his eyes and looked over at Sirius, who was looking back at him very tenderly. Slightly embarrassed, Remus asked, "What did you think?"

"It's.. lovely, Rem. Does that poem really make you think of me? I'm not sure I'm exactly 'more temperate' than a summer's day," Sirius said softly, humbly.

"Maybe not, but 'Thou art more lovely', for sure."

Now Sirius was the embarrassed one. Changing the subject, he asked, "Did you really memorize that entire poem?"

Nodding, Remus said, "I was a pretty lonely child, with only my books for company. And it helped that my mother is an English teacher, and a bibliophile at that." He realized too late that Sirius probably didn't know what an English teacher was, but just said, "I know more. Want to hear them?"

"Yeah. Especially if they remind you of me," he added teasingly, to which Remus replied honestly, "They all make me think of you."

Sirius didn't know what to say to this, so Remus closed his eyes and spoke another poem.

"From you have I been absent in the spring,

When proud-pied April, dressed in all his trim,  
Hath put a spirit of youth in everything,  
That heavy Saturn laughed and leaped with him,  
Yet nor the lays of birds, nor the sweet smell  
Of different flowers in odor and in hue,  
Could make me any summer's story tell,  
Or from their proud lap pluck them where they grew.  
Nor did I wonder at the lily's white,  
Nor praise the deep vermilion in the rose;  
They were but sweet, but figures of delight,  
Drawn after you, you pattern of all those.  
Yet seemed it winter still, and, you away,  
As with your shadow I with these did play."

This one Remus had to repeat a second time for Sirius's look of concentration to bloom into one of comprehension and happiness.

"Was that one Shakespeare, too?" asked Sirius after he had kissed Remus for reading such a wonderful poem.

"Yes, that was the Bard."

"I think he knows more than the Beatles," said Sirius, which caused Remus to chuckle, before Sirius continued, "I like him – Shakespeare, I mean. His works."

"Excellent, my work here is done. Mum'll be pleased."

"You have to read more, though!" administered Sirius adamantly. "I haven't heard nearly enough poems about the lovely Sirius Black yet!"

Remus smirked, but then it softened into a smile. "Me neither. But why don't I read you a poem that isn't Shakespeare? There's lots more poets out there, after all."

"Mm, alright."

"This is by Anne Bradstreet," Remus said, knowing it would mean nothing to Sirius but saying it anyways, "And it reminds me of the way I feel about you."

"So it's not about my ruggedly good looks?"

"Oh, hush," said Remus, but he was smiling. And then –

"If ever two were one, then surely we.  
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee;  
If ever wife was happy in a man,  
Compare with me, ye women, if you can.  
I prize thy love more than whole mines of gold  
Or all the riches that the East doth hold.  
My love is such that rivers cannot quench,  
Nor ought but love from thee, give recompense.  
Thy love is such I can no way repay,  
The heavens reward thee manifold, I pray.  
Then while we live, in love let's so persevere  
That when we live no more, we may live ever."

"'That when we live no more, we may live ever,'" repeated Sirius. "Let's promise that, Rem. That even when we live no more, we may live ever. Together. Everlastingly, we'll be together. Even when we die, we'll wait for each other. Promise?" Sirius had a very serious look on his face.

A little surprised, but nonetheless believing that Sirius wholeheartedly meant this declaration, Remus nodded and reached a hand forward to caress Sirius's cheek.

"I promise."

Satisfied, Sirius let out a huff of air. Feeling the need to lighten the mood, Remus said lightly, "Anyways, I don't think we'll be dying anytime soon."

Sirius just gave him a sad look and said, "You never know. And with something as important as you, I can't be too careful."

Remus leaned forward to hug Sirius and took a deep breath, inhaling the wonderful scent that was Sirius. "Forever," he murmured, adjusting himself so he once more was leaning his against Sirius's shoulder, "I'll be here, which in the clover dwell."

"'Which in the clover dwell'?"

"It's another poem," explained Remus. "My favorite one, by my favorite poet."

"Do share,"

"It's by Emily Dickinson."

Composing himself, for to Remus this seemed far more personal, more so than the sonnets or even the Anne Bradstreet poem, Remus recited,

"It's all I have to bring today,  
This, and my heart beside,  
This and my heart, and all the fields,  
And all the meadows wide.  
Be sure you count, should I forget-  
Some one the sum could tell-  
This, and all my heart, and all the bees,  
Which in the clover dwell."

Sirius was silent, and Remus looked up at him to find that his eyes were closed. Softly, Remus explained. "This is where I'll always be. Here, with my heart, in the fields, with the bees. The fields which in the clover dwell. Waiting for you."

"I'll come find you," promised Sirius, so softly that Remus almost didn't hear him. And for a while they lay like that, listening to the bees hum and holding each other tightly, never wishing to let go.

* * *

Later that night, long after Sirius had gone to sleep and even longer after they had returned home from their picnic, Remus sat having tea with his mother. He had come downstairs to find that she couldn't sleep either, and she had poured him a mug. Remus had always loved his Mum's tea best out of everyone else's.

"You are Sirius were gone for a very long time," Mary Lupin remarked, and Remus was startled out of his quiet thoughts. Was it just paranoia that made her remark seem accusatory to him? "Did you two enjoy yourselves?"

He took a sip of his tea and then nodded. "Yeah. Sirius adores your food, Mum."

His mum smiled, and Remus was filled with a rush of love towards her.

"Mum –" he said suddenly, feeling as though the words couldn't come out quickly enough. "I love him."

She blinked, a little startled, but not really surprised, at what he had said. She had seen the way the two boys looked at each other all summer, had seen how they moved unconsciously around each other, like two parts of the same person. And her son had never been one to say things lightly; he had always known what was true for him, what he wanted and needed.

"And does he love you?"

"Yes," said Remus firmly.

"Good," she said with a soft smile. "Love is a precious thing, Remus. If you have found it then you must keep it, and never let it go."

Remus's face lost its tension, and he smiled. "I intend to," he said seriously.

"Then I'm very happy for you, my love."

And she turned back to her book, and Remus took a sip of his tea, and it was good.

**Disclaimer: the works and poems mentioned in this chapter belong to the author's who wrote them, not to me. I'm just borrowing them for Remus's sake.**


	8. Chapter 8

The Gryffindor common room was completely empty except for three seventh years huddled comfortably around the fire. Two were sitting next to each other on a long couch, very near to each other but not quite touching, and the third figure was sitting across from them in a squashy armchair, sunk so deeply into it that it almost appeared she had been swallowed whole.

"You and.. James?" one of the boys sitting on the couch was saying, a note of supreme incredulity in his voice. "Tell me he's just being mental."

Lily sat up from the couch, and although she was blushing slightly, she managed a defensive scowl at Sirius. "It's true!" she said hotly.

Sirius let out a sound that was a half-groan and a half-disbelieving laugh, which made Remus look curiously up from his book. He then promptly decided to give up on reading and instead shut his book neatly, deeming this conversation interesting. "Oh, Merlin," bemoaned Sirius, looking away towards a window that revealed the dark October night. "You're far too good for him, Lily."

"I know," she laughed, losing her glaring look. "And I'm sure it won't last long."

They fell silent for a moment, and then Remus looked at Lily. "You know, I'm very curious as to how this happened. You always seemed quite adamant about hating him."

The redhead shrugged carelessly. "Hate is a strong word," she said lightly. Remus raised an eyebrow, and then she smiled. "But you're right. I'm not really sure how it happened, either. It's just.. well, this summer he started writing me these wonderful letters. And I wrote back, and suddenly dating the insufferable James Potter didn't seem like such a terrible thing. So when he asked me out.. I said yes. I reckon it's because he didn't have Sirius there to bother him, but I think he matured this summer. Or at least he's become a little less of a toe-rag," she amended thoughtfully.

"I'm very happy for you two," said Remus kindly. "He's loved you for such a long time."

Sirius, on the other hand, had no such sentiments to offer. "Hah! I can't believe James actually got you to go out with him! The bastard."

Looking dangerously close to scowling again, Lily steered the conversation in a direction that she knew Sirius wouldn't be happy thinking about. "Speaking of James," she said, and when she looked at Remus her tone softened a little, "When are you two going to tell him about your relationship? Peter too. They're your best mates – don't you think that after nearly two years they should know about you?"

Sirius frowned, playing absently with Remus's hand. Lily had been Sirius's and Remus's confident since the beginning of their relationship, and she had been very supportive of the two boys. But they had just never found the ideal time to tell the rest of their friends – and to be honest, they had never looked for the ideal time, either.

"Probably," conceded Sirius, and Remus nodded.

"Maybe it is time we finally told them," added Remus contemplatively. "They deserve to know."

"Great!" said Lily, triumphant at her subject-changing skills. "Then it's been decided."

But it was easier said than done. Remus, for his part, wasn't too concerned about coming out; he had already told his friends he was a werewolf, and how much harder could this be? Although if he was being truthful he was a little worried that James would think that he was stealing Sirius, James's best friend, away from him.

Sirius was a little more nervous about revealing this side of himself to James. As his best mate, James knew almost everything about Sirius – except this. And as this was one of the biggest parts of Sirius's life, he was very anxious that James accepted him.

Mostly because of Sirius, although also partly because of the ridiculous amount of work they had to do as seventh years, more than an entire month passed by and they still hadn't come out to Peter and James. In the end, it was Lily who finally got it together, arranging a meeting between all four friends towards the last days of November. She, of course, was there to support Remus and Sirius.

The five of them met up outside the grounds, near the lake. It was a generally unpleasant day out, cold and windy, and Peter and James grumbled about having to be outside, baffled as to why they couldn't have this heart to heart inside the warm, dry common room. Lily was insistent, though, and they finally all settled down near a tree, bundled together to keep warm. Remus had charmed small blue flames into a jar, and they all took turns holding their fingers up over the small warmth.

As the weather was horrid and no one wanted to be outside, Remus decided it would be best to get it out straight away. Besides, he didn't want to have to draw it out painfully. With a nervous glance at Sirius and at Lily, the latter nodding encouragingly at him, Remus smiled a nervous smile and spoke.

"I'm gay," he said, surprising himself with the confidence that was in his voice. He let that soak in for a moment, and then continued with, "and I'm seeing someone."

Before he could lose his nerve or one of his friends could interrupt, Sirius quickly said, "He's seeing me. We're together. I'm, er, gay too."

James looked a little shocked, but the expression quickly gave way to hurt. "How long have you two been going out?" when they didn't respond, he frowned. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

At this, James looked up at Lily, who made the mistake of not looking surprised at the news. Betrayal brightened James's eyes. "You told Lily?" he guessed quietly. When Remus nodded, James looked away.

Peter cleared his throat and shrugged. "Straight or not, you guys are still my best mates. But Prongs is right.. you should have told us sooner."

Sirius felt guilty, and because of this he turned defensive. Sensing danger, Remus quickly interjected before Sirius could say anything.

"I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "Lily found out by accident, and we could never quite work up the nerve to tell you two until now. I promise, if we have any more life-changing secrets, you'll be the first to know."

Peter smiled at this, allowing himself to be appeased with this excuse, but James still looked sullen. Suddenly Sirius knew what was going on, and he stood up. "Prongs, can I talk to you?" He shot Remus a look, and Remus stood up, too, stretching.

"I'm going to head back to the common room," he announced. "All this secret telling has tired me out. Wormtail, Lily, you coming?"

Lily got up too, and Remus gave her a grateful look. Peter stood up more slowly, but eventually they all ambled out across the grounds and made it back into the castle. Sirius watched them go, and then he turned back to James.

"Prongs, you thickheaded git, you're still my best mate. Me being with Moony doesn't change that."

Scowling, James crossed his arms across his chest and leaned up against the tree. "You're wrong, Padfoot." He said flatly. "Everything's changed now!"

"No, James, it hasn't. Look, I didn't get all jealous on you when you started spending time with Lily instead of us. It's the same thing! Remus is.." he hesitated, but then hurried on. "He's my lover, Prongs, he's not my best mate. You're my best mate. Nothing's going to change that."

James looked away towards the castle, but when he finally looked back at Sirius he was smiling a little. "Don't get all sentimental on me, you great big poofter," he said finally, and Sirius knew it was going to be okay.

They started to walk up to the castle together. "What's it like kissing a bloke?" asked James, curious, and Sirius just smiled enigmatically. "What's it like kissing a girl?" he retaliated, and they both started to laugh, and it was just like it had always been.

* * *

The rest of the year passed by in a happy, studious blur. And then, suddenly, though they hardly knew how, their last year at Hogwarts was over and they were graduating. They were sad to leave, especially Remus, as Hogwarts had been the first place that he had ever been truly happy, but they were also enamored with the possibilities of the future.

Remus spent that summer at his mother's house, while Sirius, to everyone's surprise, ended up going back to his parents' house. He wouldn't say much about what happened, but he hadn't stayed for long and he never planned on going back. He then spent the rest of the summer with Remus, occasionally staying over with the Potter's.

They were happy, and for the summer it was enough.

After the summer, with promises to come back and visit regularly, Remus left the house he had grown up in and moved to a flat in London with Sirius. Sirius had been left a substantial amount of money but a favorite uncle, and he could more than afford to pay for the flat; he refused to let Remus pay for very much of it with the little money he had.

To Sirius's confusion, Remus decided to enroll in a muggle college.

"Why would you go back to school? And a muggle school at that?" Sirius had asked, flabbergasted. Remus had smiled and drawn invisible letters on Sirius's arm with his fingers. "I doubt that I'm going to be able to find work anywhere in the Wizarding world – werewolf, remember? And I don't think even Hogwarts would let me work for them, as lovely as that would be. I can't live off of your charity forever, Pad. I've got to find work, so why not muggle work?"

And that was that. Remus had decided, much to the pride of his mother, to take courses in order to learn how to become an English teacher, and he was fiercely enjoying the classes. Hogwarts had a program set up that converted its classes into viable muggle grades, allowing students to go to muggle universities. No doubt it was the brainchild of Dumbledore, who was a huge muggle enthusiast. Remus was sure that some sort of spell was involved, but he didn't question it too much. The small college he went to was in London, and it wasn't too far from his and Sirius's flat, so he still lived comfortably with Sirius, who alternately helped, and more often distracted, him from his studies.

Sirius, James, Peter, and Lily joined the Order of the Phoenix, an organization created to fight against the rising threat of Voldemort. Remus, too, was a part of the Order, and when he wasn't studying he was running around the London underground, trying to get the werewolves on their side.

It was a dark time, but they were happy. The Marauder's retained their tight friendship – James and Sirius got into as much trouble as they ever had, which more often than not involved Sirius's motorcycle (and sometimes police men) – and nothing, it seemed, would ever change that.

Lily and James got married, to no one's surprise, really. Sirius did ask them why they were getting married at such a young age, to which James said that he didn't think they could waste precious time, not with You-Know-Who on the loose. This made Remus and Sirius wonder about getting married themselves; after all, it was legal it the Wizarding World. But despite their affirmation that they would be together for the rest of their lives, they didn't feel it was necessary to get married so soon – they were young and had all the time in the world, after all. Sirius was best man at the wedding, and a year later he was named godfather to the Potter's son, Harry (whom James had wanted to name Elvendork, to which Lily had threatened divorce).

Two years after the wedding they were all twenty-one; Remus had graduated from college, Peter was still living with his mother, and Lily, Harry and James had moved to Godric's Hollow.

One night in September a very familiar scene was found at the Potter's house. The Marauder's, minus Peter, who was mysteriously absent, and plus Lily, had just finished a delicious meal. James and Sirius were running around with Harry, who was playing on a toy broomstick, while Remus and Lily enjoyed a cup of tea and made sure that Harry didn't get into too much trouble. There was such a happy feeling in the atmosphere that it was easy to forget the threat of Voldemort. They all felt safe, untouchable, and happy.

"So," sighed Lily happily, stirring her tea, milk and one lump of sugar, "now that you've graduated, what do you plan on doing?"

"Hmm. Ideally I'd like to work at a University in London, teaching English. Or a highschool, I suppose," he said doubtfully, "although that would mean working with loads of teenagers just like Sirius and James." This last part was greeted by an ungraceful yell from James, to which Remus just chuckled.

"I love that you're going to be teaching at a muggle school," Lily said. "It's so perfect for you."

"Well, it's not like I can work anywhere in the Wizarding world," Remus pointed out dryly. "No one wants a werewolf working for them. And I just hope that the muggles I'll be working for won't get suspicious I'm on drugs, or something."

Before Lily could respond to this, Harry started wailing. Instantly she was up and had rescued Harry, deciding that it was time for him to go to sleep. Remus and Sirius lingered for a while longer, talking with James, and again with Lily when she ventured back downstairs, but as the hour grew later they finally said their goodbyes and apparated back home.

Once they were home, Remus let out a happy sigh and held out his hands, as if to embrace the happiness of the day, to catch it and keep it. Instead, Sirius hugged him tightly, which caused Remus to let out a little smile. Sirius responded by raising an eyebrow flirtatiously and for a moment everything seemed perfect. And it was.

* * *

A few weeks later, on Halloween, late evening was approaching and Remus was arguing lightly with Sirius.

"Pad, poor Lily and James and Harry have been stuck at home for weeks, now, with no one to visit them. _You're_ the secret keeper; you're the only one who can visit them. Go on, go spend the rest of the night with them."

Sirius frowned, uneager to leave Remus, and knowing that he couldn't tell Remus the truth – that he wasn't the secret keeper, that even if he wanted to he couldn't have visited the Potters. "I don't want to leave you here alone," he said. "Who knows what kind of boring mischief you'll get into if I leave you alone."

Remus smirked, and shook his head. "Oh, get out of here. Say hullo to James and Lily for me."

Leaning forward to press a kiss onto his lover's lips, Sirius grinned roguishly. "If you insist. I won't be gone for long, though, I promise. Although I'd better check on Peter, too. And then..." he trailed off, finishing his thought with another kiss.

"I'll be waiting," promised Remus, when they surfaced. And then, although for the life of him he couldn't explain why, he began to feel anxious. He watched Sirius cross the room and open the door, and Remus felt like begging him, pleading with him not to go, which was absurd. After all, he was the one who had told Sirius to go, he told himself, shaking off the feeling crossly. Still, though, he couldn't help but call out – "I'll be waiting here, with my lonely heart, and all the bees, which in the clover dwell."

And Sirius smiled his smile just for Remus, a smile that no one else had ever seen. "All the meadows wide couldn't keep me away."

And then he was gone.

Remus heard Sirius's motorcycle start up, and his anxiety settled down into amusement. Sirius took out his flying motorcycle every chance he got; it was his pride and joy. Remus walked into the small kitchen and put on the kettle, in the muggle way, chuckling to himself.

An hour passed, and then a second one, and then a third, and then Remus went to bed. He was exhausted, and Lily would make sure that Sirius got home alright at a semi-decent hour; there was no use in staying up, at this point. Remus pushed back his inexplicable anxiety and went to sleep.

He woke up at once, hours later, and immediately he knew something was wrong. Sirius was still not back, and he had this awful, horrid feeling in his gut – something was wrong, terribly terribly wrong. Remus stumbled out of bed and into the main room, and there came a knock on his door. He froze, his heart ice. The knock came again, and a voice spoke.

"Remus, it's Dumbledore. I'm afraid I have news." his old professor's voice was very grave, as was his face when Remus opened the door.

Numbly, Remus lead Dumbledore into the living room and invited him onto a shabby couch. At last, he found his voice.

"What's – what is it, Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore's eyes held no twinkle, and he had a look of tired sadness on his face. "Voldemort found James and Lily. They have been killed, Remus. As.. as has Peter."

He couldn't breathe – his lungs weren't working properly; James, and Lily – "No.. it can't – What about Harry? And the Fidelius charm?" he managed to gasp out. Dumbledore shook his head. "Harry is alive. And Voldemort has been defeated by him, at least for the moment. But we've been betrayed, Remus," he said quietly, and if possible, he looked even sadder than before. "Voldemort knew where the Potter's were."

No, but that meant – it wasn't possible, it was completely impossible that Sirius would have – "Sirius?" he said, his entire body rigid with disbelief and pain. "No, Dumbledore, there must be a mistake. Sirius would never have – he couldn't have – I know him, and he –"

Dumbledore was shaking his head again, a tear trickling down his cheek. "He betrayed us, Remus; he alone was the secret-keeper. No one else could have betrayed us."

Remus's world was falling apart. He clung to the couch, trying to fit the pieces of his life together. Everything had changed, all at once; things he had taken as truths now morphed into ugly, blatant lies. Sirius – _his_ Sirius – it was impossible. He _knew_ Sirius, he had spent all of his life with Sirius and loving Sirius, and Sirius would not have, _could_ not have done what Dumbledore was saying – and oh god, James, and Lily, and Peter, _dead_ –

He heard Dumbledore saying something, but his ears didn't seem to be working correctly. Time flew by at a slow pace, and he saw Dumbledore waving his wand out of the corner of his eye, but it didn't matter, because Dumbledore had been wrong, he had been tricked, somehow, or perhaps Sirius was playing a horrible joke on everyone – but it was just that, a lie, a trick, it couldn't be true, it wasn't, not his Sirius, not James, Lily, and Peter –

Suddenly his world was _really_ turning, compressing, squeezing itself inside out just like his heart, and Remus found himself at a familiar place. His mother was awake, an incurable insomniac, and she came to the door immediately at Dumbledore's knock. Remus didn't hear the words, didn't hear what Dumbledore was saying, and he barely saw his mother clasp a horrified hand to her mouth or begin to cry. He didn't really see as his Dumbledore left, or as his mother led him into the house. He only scarcely felt the rough fabric of a couch, a couch that he suddenly found himself sitting on, only vaguely felt his mother nearby, her hand intertwined tightly with his. She said nothing, tears pouring down her face.

He waited, on the couch, as the night turned into day, his mind going around in circles and unnoticed tears trailing down his cheeks. He waited for Sirius to come back, because Sirius had promised, _promised _him that he was coming back, and Sirius always kept his promises; Sirius wouldn't lie, wouldn't betray them –

But this time, Sirius didn't come back.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: several scenes in this chapter are based largely off of and/or completely copied from of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J. K. Rowling. They belong strictly to her, and I'm just borrowing them for the sake of this fanfic :)**

**Thanks for reading ****and for all the lovely comments!**** This one's the longest yet, don't know if that's good or not – leave a comment telling me your preference? (and what you think of the story?)**

For eleven years Remus had been slowly fading away.

Of the horrible night when everything had changed, Remus remembered little. He remembered even less of the weeks surrounding that; of the funeral of his three best friends, or the celebrations of the disappearance of Voldemort, or the newspapers slandering Sirius, or even of what happened to Harry.

He could no longer really care. Remus had nothing to live for anymore, now that his friends were gone, killed, dead, now that his love, the one person who he had trusted with his entire being, had betrayed not only him, but his best friends and everything they believed in. More than the deaths, his mind couldn't comprehend Sirius's betrayal. How could Sirius, _his_ Sirius, James and Lily's best friend, have done such a thing? How could Sirius have killed James, Lily, Peter, and then thirteen muggles afterward? And how could he have done that to _him_? Remus's mind kept turning it over, ripping the thoughts to shreds, trying to find a loophole. But there was none. For Sirius had been the secret keeper, and he was the only one who could have betrayed them.

Once, Remus had thought of visiting Sirius in Azkaban, where he had been taken. But as much as Remus wanted to see Sirius, to hear his side of the story, to hear that there was some explanation – he couldn't. Because what if there was no reason? What if it was the truth?

And this treachery, this betrayal that proved his entire life a lie, made life not worth living anymore, even more than his friend's deaths. Only his mother, and little Harry Potter – those where the only two things that kept him alive anymore. Yet he could not bring himself to seek out Harry Potter, or even to go anywhere near Hogwarts. It was far too painful, even after five years, ten years, eleven years – Remus wanted to hide, he did not want to have to think about his painful past.

For eleven years Remus did not live, but simply existed. He flitted around from place to place, in shabby clothes, living in small, cramped spaces. He taught at colleges and high schools, but never for very long. Sometimes he would leave in the middle of a semester, or other times he would make it through the entire year before it would become too painful for him to stay in one place where his memories could viciously track him down. Occasionally he got thrown out of the school when they got suspicious of him missing so many days (always full moons, although no muggles ever figured it out) and accused him of being on drugs, like he had once lightly worried about with Lily. Faces, names, thoughts, words – he remembered nothing, nor could he bring himself to care. It didn't seem to matter anymore. Why would it matter, when James and Lily and Peter were dead, and Sirius had betrayed him?

He taught English, but he no longer enjoyed it the way he once had. Reading had become a way to escape and to distract, but it did not last – he always had to wake up once more and resurface to this world of pain. And no longer could he even think of poetry, let alone read it.

Summers were the worst, when he had not even teaching to distract him. He would move around often, finding small places to live before moving again. Occasionally he would stay with his mother, but that was painful too.

It was hard for his mother to see her son like this, and she tried to help him. "Remus," she would say, "You have start living. You can't keep going on like this."

He would just turn his head away. He would stay alive, yes, but he would not live. How could he, after everything? How could he get close to anyone again, when they would just lie and betray him? No one in the wizarding world wanted him, even if he had wanted to rejoin them; he was a werewolf, hated, a taboo, and worse than that, they would whisper, _wasn't he friends with that Sirius boy? The one who betrayed the Potters?_

Eleven painful years passed like this, and on the summer leading up to the anniversary of the betrayal, his mother died.

He hadn't thought that more pain could come into his life, but of course it could. Even as the tears fell down his cheeks, though, calmness came over him. Finally, there was no one left in the world that cared for him. He could exit this life without guilt, for who in the wizarding world was left who would care for a werewolf who had killed himself? True, Harry Potter still existed out there, the son of his best friends, but Harry did not remember Remus. And there were others out there who would tell Harry of his parents. For once, Remus felt, he could be selfish. Remus was not needed any longer.

After the quiet funeral, Remus was in his mother's house, soaking up the sad, bare rooms for the last time. He sat at the table and for a moment was overcome with fresh loss and pain as he gazed at the soft yellow floral table cloth, which was saturated with memories. He felt so tired, so very empty. His eye fell upon a knife on the table, a sharp one, and he eyed it greedily for a moment. He only had to reach over –

A tap came on the window, and he snatched his hand away guiltily. Again came the loud, annoyed tap, and he looked up to see an owl clutching a copy of _The Daily Prophet_ in its beak. It took Remus a moment to remember that his mother, despite not being a witch, had always liked reading both the muggle newspaper and the wizarding one, and that her subscription had not yet been canceled.

Getting up mechanically, he opened the door to let the owl in. The owl flew through the window haughtily, landing on the counter and ruffling its wings with disdain, displeased at the wait. It let out a shrill shreak, and Remus hurriedly found 7 knuts to give it, despite knowing that he couldn't afford it.

Once it had received the money the owl dropped the paper and flew out though the window, which Remus didn't bother to close. His eyes had frozen on the large photo of the face that took up the front page of the newspaper, and on the big, black caption that read:

**BLACK STILL AT LARGE**

Remus's eyes remained stuck on the photograph for a moment, so familiar yet so different looking, and then he hurriedly began to read the article beneath it, softly murmuring the words out loud.

"Sirius Black, possibly the most infamous prisoner ever to be held in Azkaban fortress, is still eluding capture, the Ministry of Magic confirmed today. 'We are doing all we can to recapture Black,' said the Minister of Magic..." he trailed off, and for the first time in longer than he could remember he was thinking clearly. His mind, usually so sluggish with the haze of pain, abruptly sharpened. Blood flowed through his veins, singing of anger, confusion, and hope – although he angrily pushed away that last thought. What was Sirius doing, he wondered. And how the hell had he managed to escape?

Remus examined the picture again, his heart aching at the once-familiar sight. Sirius looked awful, thin and ragged. But there were still traces of the old Sirius, the haughty and handsome man that Remus had once known.

Or the man he thought he'd known, at least.

For the second time of the day he was startled by a loud knocking noise, this time from the door. For a wild moment Remus thought that it was Sirius, but when he opened the door with shaking hands he saw Dumbledore.

Dumbledore. He looked the same as always, infinitely old with a twinkle in his eye. Remus was horribly reminded of the last time he had seen Dumbledore, on that Halloween night, but no – this was different, Dumbledore was smiling and his hair was longer.

They stared at each other for a long moment, Remus feeling bewildered as Dumbledore smiled pleasantly. Then Remus shook his head as though coming up for air and opened the door wider.

"Please, come in, Dumbledore."

"Oh, my dear boy, I do believe you're at the point in your life where you can call me Albus," chortled the old teacher, stepping smartly through the doorway and seating himself at the kitchen table, on an old wicker chair.

Remus found himself smiling for the first time in as long as he could remember at Dumbledore's antics, but he quickly stopped. It was too painful. As he sat down next to Dumbledore, the professor studied him thoughtfully.

"Still, Remus?" he said softly, and Remus just nodded, a small jerk of the head. Dumbledore let out a sigh and looked down at the table, noticing the paper.

"Ah, so you've heard then?" Again Remus nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

A few minutes passed by, Remus silent and Dumbledore humming to himself. Finally Remus spoke up, which caused Dumbledore to beam at him.

"Dumbledor – er, Albus, how can I help you?"

"I'm here to offer you a teaching position, as the Professor of the Defense Against the Dark Arts. I believe you are more than capable of handling the position, due to your, ah, shall we say, experience with rowdy students, and your wonderful muggle teaching degree."

Remus was once more struck into silence. Return to Hogwarts? He felt a chill go up his arms at the thought, though of excitement or terror he couldn't tell. Feeling as though he was losing control of the situation – although, on the other hand, for the first time in a very, very long time, he felt gloriously awake and alive – he tried to start with the obvious.

"I'm a werewolf," he said. "No parents would want their children taught by a werewolf."

Dumbledore folded his long fingers together and shook his head. "I don't see why it should be a problem so long as we take the necessary precautions. You attended Hogwarts, after all, with no fuss. I'm sure that Severus can be convinced to brew the Wolfsbane Potion for you each month."

Severus? Was Snape teaching at Hogwarts, then, too? Shock at hearing the name of a long-ago familiar student rendered Remus dumb for a moment. And he had heard of the Wolfsbane Potion, but he had neither talent nor money to be able to brew it each month.

"Albus, I'm not sure if I can go back to Hogwarts," he admitted, skirting around the issue. He very strongly did not wish to bring up the names of his dead and lost friends. Dumbledore looked at him kindly, but his voice held a note of sternness.

"Remus, for far too long you have been living with this shadow. You need to face it, and I believe an excellent place for you to do so will be at Hogwarts. You will be returning not as a student, but as a teacher, ready to nourish and mould young minds – and perhaps your own while you are there." Dumbledore hesitated, and then continued, "Lily and James have been dead for eleven years, almost twelve, Remus. As has Peter. And Sirius is on the loose. I believe that your past is about to catch up with you, and you would be better prepared if you pick the place to let it find you. I also believe that it is time for you to meet Harry Potter."

Needles pricked at his heart when Dumbledore mentioned the names of his lost friends, but instead of encasing him in a tired fog, the pain struck him sharply, making him think still more clearly. He wondered if Dumbledore was seeking to protect him as well, afraid that Sirius might try to finish off the last marauder. Remus found himself wondering the same thing, but couldn't bring himself to believe it. No, he told himself sharply. Sirius wouldn't. Although, there were quite a lot of things that Remus had thought that Sirius wouldn't do that he had done.

And Harry Potter; James and Lily's son..

"He's a wonderful boy," said Dumbledore, as if he could tell what Remus was thinking. "Looks just like James – except for his eyes. Acts like his father, too, although his deepest nature is of Lily."

Tears swam to Remus's eyes, and suddenly he knew that he had been hiding from his troubles, that he had been cowardly for too long. Was he in Gryffindor or not? Hadn't he made a promise to watch over Harry to James and Lily? Sirius hadn't held his promise, but he, Remus, intended to.

And to see the castle again.. to actually associate with the Wizarding World.. despite the pain, the bad memories, a part of him was eager to do so.

Remus looked at Dumbledore, and then nodded. "I accept, then."

At once Dumbledore stood up, beaming, and patted Remus on the shoulder. "Oh, excellent, excellent. I had so hoped you would. I shall make the arrangements, then, and owl you the details. Hogwarts starts on September first, as I'm sure you well remember."

Remus just nodded again, and let Dumbledore speak jovially as he showed his old teacher out. Just before he closed the door, though, Dumbledore looked at him with his piercing blue eyes, a look that Remus well remembered from his days as a student.

"I am very happy that you have decided to come back, Remus," said Dumbledore, giving him a nod and a kindly look over the edge of his glasses. And then the door was shut, Dumbledore was off, and Remus found himself going back to Hogwarts.

September first found Remus excited and nervous, with his heart acting up a little. He had to laugh at himself because he felt just like a school boy again – and then he found that he was surprised at his fierce happiness at going back to Hogwarts. He hadn't thought he could be happy again, and even now, he often lapsed back into his depression.

But surely part of his happiness wasn't because of Sirius escaping, he told himself – no, he wouldn't let himself be happy about that, just confused.

He woke up early that morning, still in his mother's house, and for the first time wondered what he was supposed to do. Not about teaching – no, he had already planned out many wonderful curriculums and lessons, he was actually quite excited about that – but about getting to Hogwarts. He had never known as a student how teachers got to Hogwarts, and he wasn't even sure where Hogwarts was. (apparating to Hogsmade didn't occur to him, in his excitement). Dumbledore hadn't mentioned it in the letters that he had sent him, and Remus was baffled.

As he got dressed in his shabby wizard's robes, Remus decided he would just have to go via the Hogwarts Express. Perhaps when he got there he would find a teacher's compartment, or something. He glanced at the mirror hanging in his room, a little doubtfully, as it had been a while since he had last cared about his appearance, and saw with a sigh how many strands of grey his hair was flecked with. He had turned old somehow without realizing it, despite the fact that he was barely in his thirties. He was also very pale and tired-looking, but then, he had always looked that way.

Breakfast was a hurried affair, and it was only 9 o'clock when he was ready to go, trunk in hand. The train didn't leave until eleven, but he figured it couldn't hurt to get there early. Perhaps he could avoid a crowd.

He apparated to King's Cross station, and hurried to platform nine and three quarters, ignoring the funny looks that he was given because of his robes. He had a plethora of muggle clothes, being the son of a muggle and having lived as a muggle teacher for so long, but he found that he missed wearing his muggle robes and had used the excuse to put them on right away.

Remus passed through the barrier, reveling in the familiar motion. And then he was back, forcefully reminded of all of the things that he had missed most about the wizarding world. As he had expected, there were very few other people around, mostly wizards running around checking various parts of the train or a few young-looking first years with their parents. A rush of emotion washed over Remus, and he didn't know if he should smile or cry.

Pushing down his sentiments, he drank in the sight of the red engine and hurried up and down its length. But he found no sight of other teachers or special compartments, as he had been afraid of. As a prefect, after all, he had explored the length of the train and had never seen signs of any teachers.

Resigning himself to being the outcast once more, he walked to the very end of the train and found a compartment. He then sat down next to the window and set his trunk up above him on the rack. Remus didn't have many possessions, but those that were important to him he had bundled up into an old trunk, which was tied together with string (seeing as the clasp no longer properly worked).

For a while, Remus allowed his mind to wander as he watched the station outside slowly fill up with students. Unsurprisingly, his mind lingered on his days at Hogwarts, and at first he couldn't help but cry, a little – even after eleven, no, almost twelve years now, the pain still felt fresh and raw. But then the pain softened a little, and he could remember all of his memories with a faint smile. Eventually he fell asleep, exhausted from all of the memories and emotions coursing through him, as well as the lack of a good night's sleep from the last few weeks – or years, really.

Remus stayed fast asleep as the train filled up and as three third-years clambered into his compartment. He was still sleeping as the train started off with a whistle and began to wheeze away from all the smiling mothers and fathers. He half-woke with a start, though, when he heard a familiar name, one that pulled the strings of his heart. A feminine voice was saying worryingly, "Sirius Black escaped to come after _you_? Oh, Harry.. you'll have to be really, really careful. Don't go looking for trouble, Harry – "

Before Remus could consider this startling dialogue, he heard someone else speak, and his eyes almost flew open at the voice. It sounded just like a young James.

"I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds _me._"

"How thick would Harry have to be, to go looking for a nutter who wants to kill him?" a third voice said, and after a lengthy pause continued, "No one knows how he got out of Azkaban. No one's ever done it before. And he was a top-security prisoner too."

The first witch spoke again. "But they'll catch him, won't they? I mean, they've got all the Muggles looking out for him too.."

A faint whistle began, cutting her off, and as the three students began to discuss the Sneakoscope that had gone off, Remus stopped listening to think about what he had just heard.

The boy who had sounded like James must have been Harry, Remus thought, excitement coursing though his veins. He wanted to look at Harry, to introduce himself, but he also didn't want to freak him out. No, now wasn't the moment to introduce himself, there'd be plenty of time later. But his excitement died down as he thought about what they had been discussing. Sirius was after Harry Potter? That's why he had escaped?

Remus supposed it made sense, from an outsider's perspective. The resentful servant of the dark lord, determined to finish off his master's killer. Just thinking about Sirius like that made Remus's blood run cold, though. Despite everything that Sirius had done, he couldn't see Sirius killing Harry – not his godson, his best friend's son. But then again, after everything that Sirius had already done, would it be surprising? Remus let out a soft sigh, and then his mind began to once more think over all of the things that had happened that night. There was a part of him that refused to believe, even after all this time, that Sirius had done the awful things that he had been accused of. He _knew_ Sirius – or at least, he had thought he did. He fell asleep trying again and again to think of a way that Sirius was innocent.

Remus woke for the second time when the train had stopped. He opened his eyes and saw, to his confusion, that all of the lights on the train were out. It was dark and rainy outside, so the train was in near complete darkness. He didn't think they were already at Hogwarts, so what had stopped the train? It was suddenly freezing, though, and dark thoughts were crowding into his mind, thoughts of Sirius and James, and Lily and Peter – _he left you, everything he ever said was a lie, how could he love someone like you? You're alone, they're all dead, and no one cares about you _–

Ah, so it was dementors. Remus wondered sadly if they were looking for Sirius.

All around him the students in his compartment – and there seemed to be more than the three he had heard before – were talking, loudly and fearfully. Remus decided to interfere.

"Quiet!" he said, his voice coming out more hoarsely and less teacherly than he had hoped.

The students fell silent, and Remus rummaged in his pocket for his wand. He found it and said a spell softly under his breath, creating a handful of flames. Ah, there was Harry – he looked so much like his father it hurt, Dumbledore had been right except for those eyes. There were also two redheaded students in the compartment, as well as another boy and a girl.

"Stay where you are," commanded, getting to his feet. Before he could open the door, though, it slid open by itself, and a great hooded dementor glided forward. It drew a deep, rattling breath, and it suddenly got much colder in the small compartment.

The students seemed to grow smaller, and one of them slid to the floor. Remus stepped forward, holding up his wand threateningly. He didn't think he could make a patronus, not when there had been so little happiness in his life. Well, perhaps he could just force it to leave – "None of us is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks. Go." It was hard to say Sirius's name, but Remus managed to choke it out.

He said it as threateningly as he could, but the dementor just came closer. Remus heard a muted moan from one of the students, and he realized he would have to do something. Summoning up the happiest thought he could think of – that he was returning to Hogwarts – he raised his wand and muttered, "Expecto Patronum!"

A very weak patronus shot out of his wand, but it was enough to chase off the dementor. Before the patronus vanished, Remus realized that it was a dog, a very large bear-sized dog, and his heart throbbed very agonizingly. It had been a very, very long time since he had last cast that particular spell, and he hadn't realized that his patronus had changed.

He turned around and sat back down near the window, and to his relief the train began to move again. The lights flickered back on, and warm air gushed back through the compartment. He looked at the students, expecting to have to introduce himself, but instead noticed with alarm that they were all staring at Harry, who had fallen to the floor. His two friends – a redhead, and a girl with bushy hair – were kneeling next to him, and one was trying to shake him awake. After a few moments Harry opened his eyes, saying confusedly, "W – what?"

Everyone looked relieved as Harry's friends helped him into his seat. Remus looked away for a moment, searching his pockets for chocolate. He had a massive sweet tooth and usually brought chocolate with him.. now if he could only find it..

"Are you okay?" said the redheaded boy, and Remus recognized the voice he'd heard earlier.

"Yeah," said Harry. "What happened? Where's that – that thing? Who screamed?"

Screamed? Remus looked up at Harry. Perhaps the dementor had affected Harry worse than any of the others; after all, Harry had horrible things in his past that were best to be left forgotten.

"No one screamed," answered his friend.

"But I heard screaming – " Harry insisted.

Aha. There it was. Remus located the chocolate in his pocket and pulled it out, quickly unwrapping it and snapping off a few pieces with a loud crack.

All of the students jumped at the noise and looked over at him. Remus looked back unflinchingly and handed Harry a large piece of the chocolate. "Here," he said simply, forgoing introduction for the moment. "Eat it. It'll help."

Harry ignored this, and once more Remus was reminded of James. "What was that thing?" he asked instead.

"A dementor," replied Remus, busy handing out chocolate to the other students, who accepted their pieces quietly. "One of the dementors of Azkaban."

Still all of the students were staring at him, but then, he was used to being stared at. "Eat. It'll help," he repeated firmly to all of them. Then he stood up. "I need to speak to the driver, excuse me.."

And with that, he strolled into the corridor. Everywhere he looked he saw pale, frightened faces, and he frowned. He had never liked dementors, and he liked them even less now that they were frightening the students. Remus hurried to the very front of the train, where a steaming and hissing room contained the conductor. Remus politely walked into the room and spoke with the driver, who looked a little surprised to see a teacher on the train, but nonetheless let him know briskly that they had been stopped by the dementors but had chased them off, and that they would be at Hogwarts in ten minutes.

Remus thanked the man and walked back to the compartment, walking slowly and collecting his thoughts. When he reached the compartment, he looked around and smiled faintly. None of them had eaten their chocolate, but that wasn't terribly surprising.

"I haven't poisoned that chocolate, you know.."

To his relief most of them looked down at the chocolate pieces they were grasping in surprise, and then began to eat, regaining warmth in their faces.

Remus spoke again after most of them had finished their chocolate. "We'll be at Hogwarts in ten minutes. Are you all right, Harry?"

Harry just nodded, embarrassed, and muttered "Fine."

Satisfied, Remus sat back down. Everyone was quiet during the remainder of the ride, although whether that was because of him or not, Remus didn't know. At last they arrived at Hogwarts, and in the crowded bustle and excitement Remus slipped away, not eager to get caught up in the crowd just yet. He snagged one of the first empty carriages that he found, hurrying into it out of the icy rain that was coming down in sheets. A few students passed by his carriage, but upon finding that a teacher was inside it they quickly hurried away. Remus couldn't help but chuckle to himself, feeling sure that he was going about getting to Hogwarts the wrong way and not caring at all. As a marauder, he and his friends would have hooted with laughter at the thought of a teacher who had to get to Hogwarts like the students.

After a short, bumpy coach ride, the thestrals slid the carriage to a stop, and Remus got out, reluctantly allowing the rain to soak him once more. The hair immediately slicked down his hair, and Remus was reminded of another rainy day at Hogwarts..

But before he could allow himself to reminisce further, a loud, sneering voice interrupted his thoughts.

"..you faint as well, Weasley? Did the scary old dementor frighten you too, Weasley?"

He looked around, and sure enough he found Harry and his two friends again. They did seem to be around trouble a lot, which surely would have made James proud. A cocky blonde third-year was the one harrowing them, and Remus noticed with distaste that he had the distinct look of a Malfoy.

He decided to break up the fight before it happened, so he interjected mildly, "Is there a problem?"

The blonde boy turned his insolent look upon Remus, no doubt judging him by his dilapidated appearance. "Oh, no – er – _Professor,_" he smirked sarcastically, before turning to trudge up to the castle with his friends.

Harry and his friends disappeared just as quickly into the crowd, and Remus followed their lead.

For the first time in longer than ten years, Remus found himself at Hogwarts again. _Home_, his heart murmured, thumping happily against his chest. And truly, he was home again. Hogwarts, more than the house he had grown up in or the flat that he and Sirius had shared, was his home. He may not have been returning student, but he was back nonetheless. With each new sight – the flaming torches, the marble staircase, the mammoth architecture – his heart swelled, and he felt as overwhelmed as a first year. For the first time, he began to think that surely he had made the right decision in coming back.

He followed the chattering crowd into the Great Hall, looking up at the ceiling by habit. It was dark and filled with storm clouds, each of which were leaking raindrops that disappeared right before falling to the tops of the students' heads. His feet automatically took him to the Gryffindor table, but it wasn't until a few of the students stared at him curiously that he remembered that he was a teacher. He hurried quickly to the staff table, feeling very odd. He had never thought that he would be one of the people sitting up here, open to all of the student's scrutiny.

Before he had time to worry about where he was supposed to sit, he was greeted by an enthusiastic Dumbledore.

"Welcome, Remus! I'm glad to see you managed to make a safe journey here," the headmaster spoke, beaming. Was Remus just imagining the glitter of amusement in Dumbledore's eye?

Dumbledore helped him to his seat, speaking grandly about unimportant things, and then hurried back to his own seat, smiling pleasantly at all of the other teachers. As Remus settled into his chair, he noticed that some of the teachers were stealing looks at him, which he supposed was only natural. He, too, would be curious about the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, especially if the rumor was true and that no teacher had been able to keep the position for more than a year. He was sure that some of the teacher recognized him, too, from when he was a student. He had been an excellent student, keen on learning, and he received a few hearty hello's and welcome backs from some of the teachers, most memorably from Flitwick, Sprout, and Vector. As he looked around the room, he wondered where McGonagall was. Instead of seeing her, though, his eyes alighted on Snape's, and they shared a look. Remus was startled by how much hatred was in his old classmate's eyes, and he quickly turned his head away, disconcerted. His gaze chanced upon Hagrid. Surprised at finding his old friend a teacher, he leaned over to speak with him. Hagrid was beside himself upon seeing Remus, and the spoke for awhile, recalling old memories, although they both avoided the touchy subject of Sirius.

Finally Dumbledore stood up, and the chatter ceased. "Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to another year at Hogwarts! I have a few things to say to you all, and as one of them is very serious, I think it best to get it out of the way before you become befuddled by our excellent feast.."

Remus only half-listened as Dumbledore spoke about the dementors; he had been informed about them previously, and instead dwelled on past welcome speeches that he had heard as a student in Hogwarts. He listened more closely, though, as Dumbledore introduced him.

"..on a happier note, I am pleased to welcome two new teacher to our ranks this year. First, Professor Lupin, who has kindly consented to fill the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

This introduction garnered a smattering of unenthusiastic applause, which didn't surprise Remus. He wouldn't have clapped very hard for an unknown new teacher, especially one as shabby-looking as he.

"As to our second new appointment," Dumbledore continued once the applause had died away, "Well, I am sorry to tell you that Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs. However, I am delighted to say that his place will be filled by none other than Rubeus Hagrid, who has agreed to take on this teaching job in addition to his gamekeeping duties."

This announcement got far more applause than the previous one, and Remus joined in loudly. After a minute or so, Dumbledore began speaking again, for the last time. "Well, I think that's everything of importance. Let the feast begin!"

Delicious foods of all kinds appeared on the golden plates around the tables, and the conversation surged loudly again. For a moment, as Remus helped himself generously to large piles of the steaming food (the first real meal he'd had in a while) he was overcome with nostalgia, and wished he could be sharing this meal with his old friends at the Gryffindor table. But he quickly stopped his foolishness and turned around him, striking up conversations with the teachers around him. He also had a memorable conversation with Nearly Headless Nick, who was excited to see an old Gryffindor student as a teacher.

Before he knew it, the feast was over and everything had faded from the goblets and plates. Full, sleepy students began to sidle out of their seats and stumbled into the hallways. The teachers, too, began to disband, and as Remus said his goodnights he found himself wondering where he was supposed to go. A ridiculous image struck him of all of the teachers sharing a dormitory, and of McGonagall asking him for a nightcap. He quickly remembered, though, that all of the teachers got their own rooms inside of their classrooms. He made his way through the familiar hallways and at long last entered the old Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. After looking at everything appraisingly, he entered what was to be his room. It was small and a little lonely looking, and Remus desperately wished for the old Gryffindor dormitory. He pushed the thought away, though, and looked around. His trunk had been left neatly next to the bed, but Remus would unpack tomorrow. He simply fished through his things to find his pajamas and went into the bathroom (one of the nicer things about having his own room) to change.

Soon he was fast asleep, with a smile on his face that weakly echoed the ones of his teenage years.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: again, most of the scenes in this chapter are based off of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I'm just borrowing them (aka blatantly copying them) and they don't belong to me.**

**Thank you so much for all the lovely comments! Really, they go a long way to inspire me to continue this story :) I apologize for the delay in the update.. this chapter didn't seem to want to be written, and I'm afraid it turned out kind of off.**

The first few days of teaching were a whirlwind of memories and new experiences. Remus quickly lapsed into a routine, and for the first time in longer than he cared to remember, he began feel happy again. At first the happiness was slight, and it was often interrupted by spontaneous memories of his friends which quenched his pleasure. Eventually, though, he could think of his memories with a soft sort of blissful nostalgia, and to his surprise, this happiness didn't go away.

He was even enjoying teaching, more than he had anticipated. There was something about Hogwarts that all of the muggle schools had never had, and it was wonderful to be one of the teachers who was teaching the new wizards and witches the fundamentals of magic. His appetite for reading was even slowly, slowly coming back (although still poetry was out of reach), and he started to remember what it was like to enjoy being around people and to absorb information. But most of all, Remus was eager to teach James's son. So when Thursday arrived, Remus was impatient for the afternoon lesson to come around.

Finally it was time for the lesson, and after checking in the staffroom one last time, to ensure that it was ready for his lesson today about a boggart, he strolled into his classroom, only a little late. He looked around at the third-year students, noting their books and pens, and smiled a little.

"Good afternoon," he said, his natural teacher's speech having returned to him after only a day, "would you please put all your books back in your bags. Today's will be a practical lesson. You will need only your wands."

Remus was a little amused at the confused looks on his student's faces, but they complied readily enough. When everyone had put their things in their bags, he said, "Right then, if you'd follow me."

The class got up, even more confused, and milled after Remus. He led them through a corridor and around a corner and right into peeves. Remus was a little surprised at seeing the poltergeist, but almost – almost – pleasantly so. James had loved messing with Peeves, and had come up with many clever spells to deal with him.

Peeves looked up and noticed Remus, and then let out a cackle, singing, "Loony loopy Lupin, loony loopy Lupin, loony loopy Lupin – "

Remus just continued to smile. Peeves was trying to stuff a wad of gum into a keyhole, and Remus felt a part of his old prefect self surface. "I'd take that gum out of that keyhole if I were you, Peeves. Mr. Filch won't be able to get into his brooms."

Ignoring his words, Peeves just blew a loud, obnoxious raspberry at Remus. Letting out a small sigh, Remus took out his wand and pointed out to the class, "This is a useful little spell, so please watch carefully." He then raised his wand arm to shoulder length and cried, "_Waddiwasi!_" The gum shot out of the keyhole and into Peeves nose, causing him to fly away, cursing.

"Cool, sir!" shouted out Dean Thomas, and Remus felt a glimmer of amusement. "Thank you, Dean," he replied. "Shall we proceed?"

* * *

And so things passed pleasantly until it was Halloween. Remus found that he was enjoying himself, truly, teaching at Hogwarts again. True, hardly a day would pass by without some of his depression returning, but still he managed to keep it mostly at bay.

Part of that was because of Harry Potter. He was so much like James that sometimes it hurt, but he had flashes of Lily, too. Remus found that he was deeply glad he had not killed himself, because he had been able to meet the wonderful Harry Potter. Although Remus had not really had a chance to speak with Harry, and had only observed him in class, he was still becoming very fond of the boy. And his friends, for that matter; Hermione Granger was one of the cleverest witches he had ever met, and it was always nice to see a Weasley.

Remus's chance to speak with Harry came on Halloween morning. Remus had been setting up a grindylow tank in his office when he noticed a student passing out of the corner of his eye. For a wild moment he thought it was James, but then realized of course it was his son. Peering out of his room, Remus saw that it was indeed Harry, and he smiled a little. "What are you doing? Where are Ron and Hermione?" he called out pleasantly, wondering why Harry looked so dejected.

"Hogsmade," answered Harry, trying to keep his voice nonchalant.

"Ah," said Remus. So that was it, then. Wishing to distract Harry from his unhappiness and also wishing to get to know James's son better, he decided to invite Harry in. "Why don't you come in? I've just taken delivery of a grindylow for our next lesson.

"A what?" asked Harry as he followed Remus in, sounding a little more interested.

"Water demon. We shouldn't have much difficulty with him, not after the kappas. The trick is to break his grip. You notice his abnormally large fingers? Strong, but very brittle."

Harry said nothing as the grindylow bared its teeth and busied itself among watery weeds. Sensing Harry's awkwardness, Remus continued talking.

"Cup of tea? I was just thinking of making one."

"All right."

"Sit down," suggested Remus as he found his old kettle and tapped it smartly with his wand, which caused it to bellow steam. "I've only got teabags I'm afraid – but I daresay you've had enough of tea leaves?" he smiled as he said this.

"How did you know about that?" asked Harry, surprised. He accepted his tea, which was contained in an old, abused mug.

"Professor McGonagall told me. You're not worried, are you?"

"No," said Harry. Remus looked carefully at him; something on his face reflected a worry, something more than not being able to go to Hogsmade. Lily had used to get the same sort of look in her eyes when something was bothering her but she hadn't quite decided whether she wanted to talk about it or not.

"Anything worrying you, Harry?" Remus said, hoping he wasn't prying too much.

"No," said Harry, taking a sip of tea. But a few moments later – "Yes. You know that day we fought the boggart?"

"Yes," said Remus, putting down his tea. He knew where this was going.

"Why didn't you let me fight it?"

"I would have thought that was obvious, Harry," said Remus, raising his eyebrows slightly. Perhaps Harry hadn't picked up on it.

"Why?"

"Well, I assumed that if the boggart faced you, it would assume the form of Lord Voldemort." Remus frowned a little. Thinking of Voldemort was always dangerous territory for him. He paused a moment, but Harry just stared at him, looking surprised.

"Clearly I was wrong, but I didn't think it was a good idea for Lord Voldemort to materialize in the staffroom. I imagined that people would panic."

"I didn't think of Voldemort. I – I remembered those dementors." Harry said honestly.

"I see. Well, well.. I'm impressed. That suggests that what you fear most of all is – fear. Very wise Harry." And he smiled a little at the continued look of surprise on Harry's face.

Harry took another sip of tea, and Remus mused over this interesting development. It was just as Dumbledore had said: to Remus's delight, Harry's temperament was turning out to be very much like Lily.

"So you've been thinking that I didn't believe you capable of fighting the boggart?" asked Remus. No one wonder Harry had seemed a little cold in the beginning.

"Well.. yeah," said Harry, a little sheepishly, with a smile. "Professor Lupin, you know the dementors – "

But before Harry could finish, there came a knock on the door. Remus called the person in, and Snape walked in, carrying a goblet that was smoking ominously.

"Ah, Severus," smiled Lupin, determined to be friendly to his former enemy. Snape had already made the Wolfsbane potion once for Remus, and it had been a blessing. "Thanks very much. Could you leave it here on the desk for me?"

Snape set down the goblet, and Remus noticed that he gave Harry a very suspicious, unkind look. "I was just showing Harry my grindylow," pointed out Remus, titling his head sideways towards the tank.

Snape did not turn to look at the water demon. "Fascinating." There was a pause, and then he said, "You should drink that directly, Lupin."

"Yes, yes, I will."

"I made an entire cauldronful, if you need more."

"I should probably take some again tomorrow. Thanks very much, Severus."

"Not at all," said Snape, sneeringly, and he left. Harry looked curiously at the goblet, and Remus smiled faintly.

"Professor Snape has very kindly concocted a potion for me. I have never been much of a potion-brewer and this one is particularly complex. Pity sugar makes it useless," Remus said, taking a small sip of the potion and shuddering.

"Why – ?" began Harry, but Remus quickly answered the unasked question.

"I've been feeling a bit off-color. This potion is the only thing that helps." Remus braced himself and then took another sip, reminding himself that this was far better than becoming a werewolf. Besides, it was the only way he could work at Hogwarts. Most of the teachers had accepted Remus, but there were still some who were wary of a werewolf working with them, and they'd be even more so of a wild werewolf. "I am very lucky to be working alongside Professor Snape; there aren't many wizards who are up to making it."

"Professor Snape's very interested in the Dark Arts," Harry said, quite suddenly. Remus smiled a little to himself, knowing full well where Harry was going with this.

"Really?" he said vaguely, taking another sip.

"Some people reckon – " a pause. Then, "some people reckon he'd do anything to get the Defense Against the Dark Arts job."

Remus forced down the remains of the potion and pulled a face, choosing to ignore Harry's words. "Disgusting. Well, Harry, I'd better get back to work. I'll see you at the feast later."

"Right," Harry said, putting his tea cup down. He got up slowly, surreptitiously shooting looks at the smoking goblet as he left. Remus sighed after Harry was gone, swallowing a mouthful of tea to wash away the remains of the bitter potion. What on earth could Snape have done to earn Harry's thorough suspicion? Harry didn't even know of Remus's and Snape's history, and he was still afraid that Snape was trying to poison him.

Well, Remus mused wryly, like father like son. And it was true. Harry was a lovely person, and Remus felt privileged to have met him. It was hard, though, because his face – and his scar –brought back a tide of memories.

Remus spent the rest of his day planning out his lesson and lapsing deep into thought about the past – and also about Harry Potter and the future. Eventually he looked up from his musings and realized that the day had slipped by, and that it was time for the feast. He hastily stood up and put his papers away before making his way to the Great Hall. It was splendidly decorated, as usual, with impressively carved pumpkins floating in the ceiling surrounded by swarms of live bats and flaming streamers.

The food was divine, and even after a month Remus found it hard to believe that he was back to eating such delicious food on a regular basis. He spent the feast happily arguing about the correct way to perform cheering charms with Professor Flitwick, and by the end of the night Remus felt perfectly content.

The Hogwarts ghosts had just finished their entertainment, mainly consisting of formation gliding and one brilliant piece by Nearly Headless Nick, where he reenacted his own beheading, when Remus decided to retire. He made his goodbyes to Flitwick, and then leisurely walked down the Great Hall. Students were started to trickle out as well, and Remus couldn't help but reflect that it was still odd to be sitting at the Teacher's table, instead of with the Gryffindors. As he passed his old table, he tried to find Harry and his friends, but they had already left.

Remus was just starting back towards his classroom when he heard a great commotion. A few students were running down a corridor, shouting loudly for Dumbledore. One of them stopped, and Remus saw that it was a Gryffindor fifth year, one he didn't know well, but who was a perfect. "Where's – Dumbledore?" he wheezed, and Remus looked about, alarmed. What was going on?

But Dumbledore had already been found by another student, and after a brief conference with her set off towards the Gryffindor tower, robes sweeping behind him grandly. Worried and curious, Remus followed him. McGonagall and Snape were close behind, but neither seemed to have any idea what was wrong. They soon reached the corridor that led to the Fat Lady's portrait. It was swamped by a sea of students, and Remus's alarm increased. They quickly squeezed together to let the Headmaster through, and Remus and his colleagues followed close behind.

He was still looking at the students, trying to figure out what was wrong, when he heard McGonagall give a gasp. He looked up, and his eyes widened in astonishment: the Fat Lady had vanished, and her portrait had been ruined, slashed beyond recognition. Chunks of canvas littered the floor. Who could have done such a thing? Remus wondered angrily. Was it a Halloween prank?

Dumbledore turned to face the teachers, his face grave. "We need to find her," he said. "Professor McGonagall, please go to Mr. Filch at once and tell him to search every painting in the castle for the Fat Lady."

"You'll be lucky!" cackled Peeves, who was swooping over the crowd, looking ecstatic at the worry.

"What do you mean, Peeves?" said Dumbledore quietly. Peeves stopped his bobbing, and adopted an oily tone that was meant to be a little more respectful, but somehow managed to be just as awful as his cackle.

"Ashamed, Your Headship, sir. Doesn't want to be seen. She's a horrible mess. Saw her running through the landscape up on the fourth floor, sir, dodging between the trees. Crying something dreadful," after a pause, he added quite unconvincingly, "Poor thing."

"Did she say who did it?" asked Dumbledore calmly, worry etched into his wrinkles.

"Oh yes, Professorhead. He got very angry when she wouldn't let him in, you see." Peeves let out a happy cackle and flipped in the air. "Nasty temper he's got, that Sirius Black."

Remus felt himself go weak at the knees, and he had to grasp onto the wall to keep his balance. McGonagall shot him a concerned look, and Snape glared at him maliciously, suspicion blazing in his eyes. All of the students had begun to moan and whisper with fear, and Dumbledore had to speak up three times before there was quiet.

"I want all of the Gryffindors to return to the Great Hall immediately. Please follow your Head Girl and Boy there, and stay together. I will be there shortly."

Dismissed, the students hurriedly left the corridor, still whispering anxiously. When they had all left, Dumbledore turned to face the Professors. "Minerva, I need you to wake the other houses and send them to the Great Hall." She nodded once briskly and set off, and Dumbledore turned to Snape. "As for you, Severus, please go to the Great Hall and see that things are not getting out of hand." Snape seemed about to object, but Dumbledore held up a hand pleadingly, and after giving Remus one last glare he turned about and flapped away.

Remus was having trouble breathing, and he could hardly think straight. But he managed to turn to look at Dumbledore, who was studying him intently.

"Remus," said Dumbledore softly, seriously. "Were you aware at all of Sirius's plans tonight?"

Pain flashed through Remus, and he nearly gasped aloud. Did Dumbledore think that _he_, Remus, had helped Sirius get into the castle? But before he could deny the claim, Dumbledore bowed his head.

"No, no, I see in your eyes that you did not. Forgive me, Remus, for in these dark days it is easy for friend to turn against friend." He gave a great sigh and turned to look at the portrait again. Then he turned back to Remus. "Are you alright?" he asked, concern in his eyes. Remus shook his head, unable to speak, and Dumbledore laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Consider going to Madam Pomfrey, Remus, and getting a sleeping drought. You may not want to be awake tonight."

With that, he gave Remus a squeeze on the shoulder and hurried off towards the Great Hall.

Remus walked back to his room in a daze. Although he would have welcomed the oblivion that a sleeping potion would have brought, he had too many thoughts yelling in his head, demanding his attention, to consider sleep. He sat down on his bed, and for a wild moment he thought that Sirius was going to walk through his door. But the moment passed and nothing happened.

Instead, Remus found himself with his hands pressed sharply up against his skull, palms digging into his eye sockets. For months, now, he hadn't allowed himself to think about Sirius, to remember Sirius, but now it all came rushing back. Sirius, Sirius – how could he do such a thing as what he had done tonight? It was minor compared to the killing of his friends, yes, and the betrayal of his beloved, but somehow this seemed more real, more truthful.

For the first time, Remus found himself losing faith in Sirius.

For years, he had always held onto the slim belief that somehow Sirius was innocent. Perhaps his mind had never been able to allow the thought that Sirius might be guilty, or it had been too painful to bear, but there had always been a small resistance to the truth. Even as he had grieved and raged against Sirius, he had been sure that it wasn't true, somehow.

But this.. it seemed to raw, too real. This was something he could picture Sirius doing, in the passion of the moment. Slashing the Fat Lady's portrait to shreds. Hadn't he joked about it enough times when they were at Hogwarts, when the Fat Lady had refused to let them in after a midnight's meander?

How had Sirius gotten in, though? Did this mean he really was after Harry?

An illogical feeling of jealousy sparked in Remus. Why would Sirius seek out Harry, and not him? Even if his intent was to kill.. was Remus not important enough to Sirius to kill?

Confused, hurt, tired, and a little afraid of the harsh light of tomorrow, Remus collapsed on his bed and tried to escape into the oblivion of sleep. Instead, he dreamed of Sirius.

* * *

Time passed, but Remus's emotions did not. It became harder for him to concentrate, and unlike before, when he would not allow himself to think about Sirius, now it was the only thing his restless mind would settle on. Eventually he forced himself to get through each day, leaving nights for his fruitless worries. He no longer gained the easy pleasures that he had before from Hogwarts; teaching became a way to lose himself, and to escape from Sirius's shadow, but he gained only a modicum of happiness from it. Perversely, the only time he really felt at peace was at the full moon, when he could curl up in his harmless wolf form and sleep.

Still, time went on. October faded into November and then December, bringing bad weather and the cold. Remus taught his classes about a plethora of fantastic beasts, and he began to maintain friendships with his colleagues. The first Quidditch match – between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff – went on, but even that did not bring good news. The dementors showed up, and Harry (who was always affected badly by the foul creatures, because of the horrors in his past) fell from the sky, losing both the match and his broom. Not too long after, Harry appealed to Remus for help against the dementors, and Remus found himself promising to give James's son private lessons.

On a Thursday night after Christmas, Remus met Harry at the History of Magic classroom, carrying a large packing case.

"What's that?" asked Harry. Remus took off his cloak and tiredly placed it on Professor Binn's desk.

"Another boggart. I've been combing the castle ever since Tuesday, and very luckily, I found this one lurking inside Mr. Filch's filing cabinet. It's the nearest we'll get to a real dementor. The boggart will turn into a dementor when he sees you, so we'll be able to practice on him. I can store him in my office when we're not using him; there's a cupboard under my desk he'll like."

Harry looked apprehensive, and despite himself Remus smiled a little, beginning to enjoy the easy companionship of Harry and wondering once more at the fact that he was with James and Lily's son.

The lesson progressed, and Remus explained the basics of _Expecto Patronum_, and what a patronus was supposed to do. Harry seemed eager to try out the spell, so Remus let him have a go at it. As Remus expected, he did not grasp the difficult spell very quickly, and Harry began to get frustrated. Finally though, on his last try, he impressively managed to keep the dementor somewhat at bay, and Remus finished it off with a _riddikulus_ charm before Harry could pass out again.

Pleased with the lesson and for once not dwelling on unpleasant thoughts, Remus let out a genuine smile as he praised Harry.

"Excellent! Excellent, Harry! That was definitely a start."

"Can we have another go? Just one more?" asked Harry eagerly.

"Not now," insisted Remus, instead handing Harry a large bar of Honeydukes' chocolate. "You've had enough for one night. Here, eat the lot, or Madam Pomfrey will be after my blood. Same time next week?"

"Okay," said Harry, taking a bite of the chocolate while Remus went around relighting lamps.

A few moments passed, and then Harry spoke again. "Professor Lupin? If you knew my dad, you must have known Sirius Black as well."

Remus froze, and he turned quickly to face Harry. He wasn't sure why he was suddenly so nervous, but his blood had run cold.

"What gives you that idea?"

"Nothing – I mean, I just knew they were friends at Hogwarts too.."

Or so James had thought, Remus reflected bitterly. He forced himself to relax a little. "Yes, I knew him. Or I thought I did." Eager to change the subject, Remus noted the time. "You'd better be off, Harry, it's getting late."

He watched as Harry left, and then collapsed in a chair, suddenly exhausted. He was feeling shaky from having Sirius's name sprung on him so unexpectedly, and he was feeling melancholy and more than a little afraid – though of what, he couldn't say.

January passed and faded into February, and Harry's dementor lessons continued quietly. Harry was making good progress, and Remus was impressed by Harry's determination, even though he could tell that Harry was disappointed by his little success.

"You're expecting too much of yourself," Remus said once, sternly. And then he had to smile to himself, because he knew he would have done the same in Harry's position. "For a thirteen-year-old wizard, even an indistinct Patronus is a huge achievement. You aren't passing out anymore, are you?"

This didn't seem to encourage Harry, who merely replied dispiritedly, "I thought a Patronus would – charge the dementors down or something. Make them disappear.."

"The true Patronus does do that," promised Remus. "But you've achieved a great deal in a very short space of time. If the dementors put in an appearance at your next Quidditch match, you will be able to keep them at bay long enough to get back to the ground."

"You said it's harder if there are loads of them," said Harry.

"I have complete confidence in you," said Remus, smiling. "Here – you've earned a drink – something from the Three Broomsticks. You won't have tried it before – "

He pulled out two bottles from his briefcase, and Harry's face lifted, his dejected spirits fading. "Butterbeer! Yeah, I like the stuff!"

Remus raised an eyebrow, suppressing another smile. If Harry truly was James's son, then perhaps he had found his own way to Hogsmeade. That thought led to Sirius, though, and wishing to avoid that topic, he was grateful when Harry hurriedly stammered a quick excuse.

"Oh – Ron and Hermione brought me some back from Hogsmeade."

"I see," said Remus, letting it slide. "Well – let's drink to a Gryffindor victory against Ravenclaw! Not that I'm supposed to take sides, as a teacher.." he realized, amending hastily.

They drank in silence for a few moments, until Harry interrupted the quiet. "What's under a dementor's hood?"

Remus frowned thoughtfully, lowering his bottle and drawing on his wealth of information. "Hmmm.. well, the only people who really know are in no condition to tell us."

He went on to explain what the Dementor's Kiss was, almost enjoying the morbid information: it matched his mood for the past few months. Or years, really. He began to regret telling Harry, though, at the shocked expression on his face.

They each sipped more of their butterbeer, and then Remus remembered that this wasn't the first time he'd spoken about the Dementor's Kiss today; he'd read about it in the paper this morning. Sirius had been condemned to it. Remus felt a spark of despair start low in his stomach, and feeling the need to distract himself he quickly spoke again. Unfortunately, the topic he chose was exactly the one he needed to avoid.

"It's the fate that awaits Sirius Black. It was in the _Daily Prophet_ this morning. The Ministry have given the dementors permission to perform it if they find him."

Harry was quiet, and then suddenly he spoke viciously. "He deserves it."

Remus was a little taken aback at Harry's anger. He knew that Sirius deserved this anger, but there was still a small, insistent voice in the back of his head that refused to admit the truth, forcing him to stand up for Sirius.

"You think so?" he said, lightly. "Do you really think anyone deserves that?"

"Yes. For.. for some things.."

Remus sighed, wondering if Harry had somehow found out about what Sirius had done to his parents – and, more importantly, about the betrayal – but wasn't keen on talking about the subject. Harry soon left, and Remus was left once more with his thoughts crowding into his tired mind.

* * *

As the year continued to fly by, it seemed as though everywhere Remus went he was reminded of Sirius. There were the dementors stationed at every entrance, the posters spread thickly over the entirety of Hogsmade, and several incidents, the first of which being Sirius attempting to get into Hogwarts again.

Remus once more hadn't been there, but he – like the entire school – had heard about Sirius's supposed attempt to kill Harry Potter. Apparently he had stolen passwords for the Gryffindor tower, had gone into the third year boy's dormitory with a knife, and had ripped apart Ron Weasley's bed. Before he could kill anyone, though, Ron had woken up and had screamed, causing Sirius to flee.

Besides aching with a sudden longing to see Sirius, Remus was confused and angry. He was confused because none of it added up; it didn't seem like Sirius behavior. But, he reflected sadly, did he really know the real Sirius anymore?

Had he ever?

Yes, a part of him insisted. But he wasn't sure of anything anymore.

The other incident was not directly related to Sirius, but it reminded Remus of him nonetheless. He was called into Snape's office one afternoon, whereupon he had the Marauder's Map shoved into his face, bringing with it a tide of memories.

It explained at once how Harry had gotten into Hogsmeade, but Remus was astounded at the fact that it was still around, on top of the fact that it was in Harry's possession. James would have been pleased.

After doing some quick thinking, he managed to get Harry and Ron out of trouble, but he also sternly reprimanded the pair of them. He knew he was being unfair, especially considering all of the trouble he had gotten into as a student, but it was precisely because of that that he was concerned. He didn't want Harry getting hurt, and he knew exactly the dangers of having the secrets to Hogwarts.

Besides, he hadn't been expecting to see the map again. He couldn't bring himself to open it, but as he examined the old parchment he tried unsuccessfully not to think of Sirius.

Other than old memories, another thought was nagging at him; Dumbledore. Dumbledore trusted him, and believed him when he said that he was not helping Sirius get into Hogwarts. But Dumbledore also didn't know that Sirius was an animagus – or about the map. Should he tell him? Remus knew that he should, but that would mean exposing the fact that he had betrayed Dumbledore's trust as a student, and losing Dumbledore's trust was too much for Remus. So he kept quiet.

All of a sudden, it felt like, the year was nearly over. No more incidents with Sirius occurred, and Remus managed to convince himself that Sirius was gone. He tried to be relieved about this, but instead he felt a mixture of regret and longing, sadness and anger.

The Defense Against the Dark Arts exam went by smoothly, and suddenly Remus was faced with a summer alone, away from Hogwarts. He was pretty sure he would come back to Hogwarts – that is, if Dumbledore would let him – but he wasn't sure how he was going to survive the summer after living such a normal life again, and with the shadow of Sirius still haunting him.

He was pondering all of this one night, which of course led to him thinking about Sirius.

Sirius. After all this time, the name still affected Remus. A menagerie of emotions were stirred in him when he thought about Sirius, and he was no longer sure of where he stood with him.

Hurt, angry, betrayed – he still felt all of those things.

But despite himself, despite everything, he still felt as though Sirius was innocent, as though there was a piece of the story missing.

While working though everything in his head and again finding nothing, no loop holes, he let his mind wander. Looking out the window, he was suddenly reminded of Hagrid, whose Hippogriff was to be executed tonight. Pushing aside his stirrings of anger at the injustice, he wondered if Harry and his friends were planning on sneaking out to visit Hagrid. It would be a stupid thing to do, he knew, but something that he thought Harry might do nonetheless.

He toyed with the idea of pulling out he Marauder's Map to find out where Harry was, and then against his better judgment pulled it out. Since confiscating it from Harry he hadn't dared to open it, afraid of finding out something he didn't want to know, but tonight he decided to risk it.

Remus opened it up and looked for the dot labeled "Harry Potter". He found it quickly, in Hagrid's house, surrounded by the names Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley. Displeased with Harry, but knowing it was what James would have done, Remus decided to keep an eye on him. Just in case.

After a few minutes the three of them set off, but this time they were accompanied by another person. Curious, Remus tried to make out the name, turning the map sideways in the hopes of seeing better, and then nearly dropped the map in alarm. No.. surely the map was wrong. Or malfunctioning. Yet he knew better than that; he had helped charm the map himself. It never lied.

How, then, could Peter Pettigrew be walking with Harry and his friends? Remus's blood ran cold, and he stood up, intending to find out what was going on.

Before he could move, though, he saw another name on the map which made a painful collision of emotions arise in his chest. "Sirius Black" was, according to the map, dragging Ron and Peter into the whomping willow.

Even through his shock, Remus realized it made sense; perhaps that's where Sirius had been hiding out the entire time. Remus felt foolish. He should have realized that's where he had been.

Remus felt feverish, and he paced up and down his room. He didn't know what to do; should he go to Dumbledore? But what about the dot labeled _Peter Pettigrew_ – that changed everything. Didn't it?

All of his emotions from the past twelve months were condensing into this moment. All of his hurt, confusion, anger – it was all boiling up into this moment. He could go to Dumbledore, right his minute, and confess everything. Sirius would be captured, and it would be the end.

But his desire for the truth and for Sirius won out. Remus's shoulders sagged and with a feeling of excitement and fear, he ran out of his room into the night.

He made his way down the familiar path to the whomping willow, and used a stick to press the knot on the tree which froze it like ice. With mounting trepidation and hope, he squeezed into the hidden entrance and began to make his way to the Shrieking Shack.

His footsteps seemed too loud in the empty silence, and he wondered what was going on. Then he heard a yell, from what sounded like Hermione. "WE'RE UP HERE! WE'RE UP HERE – SIRUS BLACK – _QUICK!_"

Remus's heart leapt into his mouth and he thundered up the stairs, shooting a spell at the door and causing it to burst open in a shower of red sparks. He stood at the door for a moment, his face drained of color, taking in the scene.

There was Ron, lying on the floor, and Hermione, cowering next to the door. Harry was standing over a figure – he shifted and then Remus saw him.

Sirius. At the sight of him, anger rushed through Remus, and he almost cursed him, cursed the man who had brought so much pain into his life. But then, just as suddenly, a feeling of love and familiarity overcame the rage. Sirius's face, so familiar despite its gauntness and grime, was one he knew better than his own. And to finally see it, after so many years – it was too much. Remus swayed, almost brought to his knees. He locked eyes with Sirius, and Sirius gazed back, his expression hard to read.

"_Expelliarmus!_" he shouted, his initial thought to protect Sirius. Harry's and Hermione's wands flew out of their hands and he caught them neatly. He walked over to Sirius, still staring at him, and tried to control his emotions.

Remus remembered Peter, and he finally spoke, his voice tense.

"Where is he, Sirius?" It was odd to pronounce his name after such a long time. His mouth shaped the words carefully, testing out the once-familiar name.

Sirius didn't move for a moment, didn't break eye contact. He seemed to be drinking in Remus's face just as Remus had been. But then he slowly raised a hand and pointed to Ron.

"But then.. why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless" – Remus's eyes widened, and suddenly it clicked into place, everything suddenly made sense. The world seemed a warmer, brighter place, and Remus shivered. Was it possible? Could it really be that easy, that simple? " – unless, _he_ was the one.. unless you switched.. without telling me?"

Very slowly, with his eyes never leaving Remus's face, he nodded.

Remus let out a beam that encompassed his whole face, and despite the seriousness of the situation he felt like laughing and crying. Sirius – _his_ Sirius, had done nothing wrong, had been innocent the whole time –

It was like a dream. Slowly, Remus lowered his wand and walked to Sirius's side, helping him to his feet. But before he could revel in the feeling of Sirius's hand in his, Sirius pulled him into a hug.

And they embraced like lovers.


	11. Chapter 11

Sirius never wanted to let go of Remus. It had been twelve long, painful, lonely years since he had felt the warmth of Remus, and a few seconds wasn't nearly enough to even begin making up for it.

But the girl's – Hermione's – scream jolted him back to reality, and he let Remus pull away, resisting the impulse to grab him back into his arms where he belonged.

"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" she screamed, pointing at him with a wild look in her eyes and her hair askew. "You – you – "

"Hermione – " Remus tried to speak, but she cut him off.

" – you and him!"

"Hermione, calm down – "

"I didn't tell anyone! I've been covering up for you – " As Hermione continued to shriek hysterically, for a wild moment Sirius thought she had realized that Remus and he were gay and was having a violent reaction to it. He quickly dismissed the fancy, however, and realized what she was actually referring to. He mentally chastised himself, feeling out of sorts and as though he hadn't been in proper society for years. Which, truthfully, he hadn't. But now he had lost track of the conversation, and he hastened to hear what Remus was saying.

"..listen to me, please! I can explain – "

This time it was Harry, not Hermione, who cut him off. "I trusted you.. and all the time you've been his friend!" his voice was wavering furiously, and Sirius felt a wash of emotion flow over him as he realized how very like James he was. Even his anger was the same, the way he shook furiously. Although the flashing green eyes was pure Lily.

"You're wrong. I haven't been Sirius's friend, but I am now – Let me explain.."

"NO!" Hermione was still hysterical. "Harry, don't trust him, he's been helping Black get into the castle, he wants you dead too – _he's a werewolf_!"

There was silence. The three students looked at Remus, aghast, and Sirius felt a familiar anger grow over him. How dare they judge him, hate him, and fear him, simply because of something he couldn't control –

"Not at all up to your usual standard, Hermione; only one out of three, I'm afraid. I have not been helping Sirius get into the castle and I certainly don't want Harry dead.. but I won't deny that I'm a werewolf." A shiver ran down Remus's spine, and he paled visibly.

The ginger boy reacted violently to this, trying to get up and away from Remus, who lurched toward him, concerned, only to fall back when the boy yelled, "_Get away from me, werewolf!_"

This show of anti-werewolf sentiment fueled another wave of anger for Sirius. The emotions of this evening – seeing Remus again, and Harry for the first time, as well as Peter, and trying to keep Harry from killing him while he tried to explain the truth and kill Peter, on top of his old hatreds and prejudices coming back, and hysterical screaming – it was too much for Sirius, whose greatest social interactions for the past few years had been limited to dementors and cats, as well as the occasionally teenager. Despite the seriousness of the situation, he had to close his eyes and breathe deeply. This evening had been taxing so far, and he hadn't realized how weak he had grown. Eating little to nothing and spending too much time as a dog would do that to you, he thought darkly, as well as spending more than ten years with dementors breathing down your neck.

When Sirius opened his eyes again, he had missed great chunks of the conversation, and the redheaded boy was holding Peter by the tail while Remus was starting at the rat intently.

After a pause, the redheaded boy spoke shakily, his face pale from pain. "What? What's my rat got to do with anything?"

"That's not a rat." Everyone looked at him, and he realized that he was the one who had spoken, an awful croaking sound that sounded nothing like his suave silken voice from years past. Not for the first time, some of Sirius's vanity rebelled, lamenting at his stolen youth. He pushed the thoughts away though.

Remus stared at him, startled at hearing the sound of his voice after so long, as the redheaded boy stuttered. "What d'you mean – of course he's a rat – "

"No, he's not. He's a wizard," said Remus quietly.

"An animagus, by the name of Peter Pettigrew," said Sirius, and at last the truth came out.

It took a long time to explain the entire story, with much anger and impatience on Sirius's side as well as confusion, doubt, and reluctance from the students and even Remus. The two men told it together, going back to the beginning, explaining about Remus's condition and how the three boys had become animagus for him. Before they could get to Sirius's part in the story, however, a new face arrived at the shack, using the invisibility cloak as a disguise.

When Snape appeared Sirius was jolted with all of his old hatred and loathing. He stood there, shaking with anger, as Snape jeered and slimed about, ignoring all of their attempted reasoning. Ultimately, before Sirius could do anything, the three students knocked Snape out with a tri-fold Expelliarmus curse.

"You shouldn't have done that," said Sirius after a few heartbeats of silence. "You should have left him up to me.."

Neither Harry nor his friend responded, and the girl whimpered to herself, thinking about what she had just done. Sirius stooped down and untied the bonds that Snape had jinxed onto Remus.

But even though the students had attacked Snape for them – had apparently been on their side – they still would not believe the truth about Peter. So Sirius had to tell his part of the story, impatiently recounting how he had tracked Peter down and had instead been blamed for the crime; how he had suffered in Azkaban but had ultimately regained his powers and had managed to escape, and what he had been doing for the past year. Sirius saw Remus's face darken with emotion and sadness as he heard of all of Sirius's pain and the horrible things that he had been through. But finally the students allowed the two men to prove their point, by forcing Peter to change himself from a rat back into a man.

With a flash of blue-light white, the rat was forced out of his form and suddenly, in front of Sirius was Peter Pettigrew, perhaps the man that Sirius hated most in the world.

After more tedious but regretfully necessary truth telling, Sirius knew that he could say no more to prove his point.

"Believe me," he croaked. "Believe me, Harry. I never betrayed James and Lily. I would have died before I betrayed them."

And Harry nodded. Peter fell to his knees and let out a horrid, hoarse cry. He shuffled forward towards Sirius, muttering, "Sirius – it's me.. it's Peter.. your friend.. you wouldn't.."

Sirius narrowed his eyes, lashing out at him. "There's enough filth on my robes without you touching them," he spat, venom in his every syllable. This was man who had ruined his life and had killed his friends; and for that, he must die.

Peter turned to Remus. "Remus! You don't believe this.. wouldn't Sirius have told you they'd changed the plan?"

"Not if he thought I was the spy, Peter. I assume that's why you didn't tell me, Sirius?"

They locked eyes, but they both knew it wasn't true. Sirius had forbidden himself from telling anyone else, knowing that the fewer people who knew the better. And despite Sirius's deep belief that Remus could be trusted above all other people, he had been reluctant to tell him. The more people who knew the more dangerous it became. And Sirius did not want to put Remus in unnecessary danger. He now regretted this, but there was nothing that could be done. Remus smiled at him, and a ghost of a smile flitted across Sirius's gaunt face. There was no need to go into the details in front of the students – it was neater if they skipped over their relationship entirely.

"Forgive me, Remus," he said, almost mockingly.

"Not at all, Padfoot, old friend. And will you, in turn, forgive me for believe _you_ were the spy?"

"Of course. Shall we kill him together?" for a moment he felt overcome with the thought of Remus believing that he was a traitor for so many years; but perhaps not, perhaps Remus had refused to believe so? He would have to ask him later, although he wasn't sure he wanted to know. But he pushed the thought away, instead being swept up in emotion. Now, _finally_, justice was coming. Peter was at an end.

"Yes, I think so." Remus was grim now, precise. He, unlike Sirius, would not enjoy the grisly end that was awaiting their old friend.

"You wouldn't..you won't.." panted Peter, who scrambled to Ron and Hermione, pleading with both of them in turn for help. Finally he turned to Harry, whimpering, "Harry.. Harry.. you look just like your father.. just like him.."

It was too much for Sirius, who had allowed Peter's sniveling to the other two, and he roared, "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO HARRY? HOW DARE YOU FACE HIM? HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT JAMES IN FRONT OF HIM?"

Peter ignored this, and instead, terrified, reached out to Harry, whispering, "Harry – Harry, James wouldn't have wanted me killed.. James would have understood, Harry.. he would have shown me mercy.."

Remus and Sirius strode forward and threw Peter to the ground. They forced the truth out of him, and finally he confessed.

"He – he was taking over everywhere! Wh – what was there to be gained by refusing him?"

"What was there to be gained by fighting the most evil wizard who has ever existed?" asked Sirus, a terrible fury in his face, nearly overcome with anger. "Only innocent lives, Peter!"

"You don't understand! He would have killed me, Sirius!"

"THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED! DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!"

Sirius stood panting, his wand hand trembling. Remus came up beside him, and they stood shoulder to shoulder, wands raised.

"You should have realized, if Voldemort didn't kill you, we would. Good-bye, Peter."

Sirius raised his arm at the same time as Remus, but before they could kill Peter, Harry ran forward, placing himself between Peter and their wands.

"NO! You can't kill him. You can't."

Sirius reluctantly lowered his wand, staggered. What in Merlin's name was Harry thinking? "Harry, this piece of vermin is the reason you have no parents," he snarled. "This cringing bit of filth would have seen you to die too, without turning a hair. You heard him. His own stinking skin meant more to him than your whole family."

"I know," panted Harry. "We'll take him up to the castle. We'll hand him over to the dementors..he can go to Azkaban..but don't kill him."

"Harry!" gasped Peter, pushing forward to kneel in front of Harry. "You – thank you – it's more than I deserve – thank you – "

Harry pushed him away, spitting out, "Get off me. I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it because – I don't reckon my dad would've wanted them to become killers – just for you."

There was silence. Sirius, although still fuming with hatred for Peter, was impressed by Harry's nobility. Still, though, he had to give it one last chance. Perhaps he could still kill this piece of filth. "You're the only person who has the right to decide, Harry. But think.. think what he did.."

"He can go to Azkaban. If anyone deserves the place, he does.."

And so Sirius let it go. He gave up on the one driving force behind the past year – killing Peter – and instead settled for justice.

Remus tied him up, and Sirius sagged, suddenly relieved and exhausted. He watched fondly as Remus bustled around in a businesslike way, putting a splint on Ron and tying up Snape. Sirius turned away to look at Peter, and he nudged him with his toe. "And two of us should be chained to this. Just to make sure."

Remus and Ron volunteered, and Sirius conjured heavy black manacles to chain Peter to Remus and Ron. With Crookshanks leading the way, they walked out of the Shrieking Shack.

It was a very awkward procession, but somehow they managed it. Sirius ended up in front of Harry, and he took the chance to speak to his godson face to face for what seemed like the first time. Struck with sudden inspiration, he offered Harry a home to live in. He was sure Remus wouldn't mind, and to his delight Harry seemed eager at the idea. Sirius smiled for the first time in years, a true, brilliant smile of his youth.

But as they reached the outside, things began to go wrong, starting with the movement of a cloud. The full moon was revealed, bathing the party in moonlight.

Sirius's eyes widened and he flung out an arm to make Harry and Hermione stop. Remus had gone rigid, and his limbs began to shake. The girl said something, but Sirius couldn't hear what she said over his loud heartbeat.

"Run," he whispered. "Run. Now."

But Harry disobeyed, instead leaping forward to help his friend. Sirius caught him and threw him back, yelling, "Leave it to me – RUN!"

There was a snarling noise as Remus began the painful transformation into a werewolf. Sirius's heart went out to him, knowing the pain that Remus must be going through, but he couldn't focus on that. Instead, he himself transformed became once more the bearlike dog. As Remus-the-werewolf wrenched free of the manacle, Sirius seized him about the neck and pulled him backward, away from the students. They were locked, jaw to jaw, ripping at each other with their claws, fighting, hissing, howling –

Remus broke free of Sirius's grasp and slashed a claw once, twice against Sirius's muzzle, then against his back, letting out a howl. Sirius growled in return, but he couldn't bring himself to harm Remus. Instead he swiped at him, pushing him away harmlessly, and Remus took off, galloping away into the forest.

Sirius licked his wounds, but before he could transform back he heard Harry yell, "Sirius, he's gone, Pettigrew transformed!"

At once Sirius was off, lifting his nose to the wind and scenting out Peter. The trail led towards the lake, and Sirius followed it, bounding forward, hatred fueling his paw-steps..

He came to an abrupt stop at the edge of the lake, and he suddenly felt a familiar feeling of cold and of horror –

He looked up, and surely enough there were dementors. But not one, or a few, there were at least a hundred of them, gliding in a black mass around the lake towards him. He let out a yelp, and a whine as he was brought to his knees, and then somehow managed to change back into Sirius, himself, a human.

Sirius was forced down, crouching on all fours, his hands on his head. "_Nooo. Nooooo.. please.._" he moaned as horrible thoughts choked him, all of the unhappiness in his life burrowing its way into his head. _You're a disappointment to your family, you faggot; you killed your friends and ruined the one man who could ever love you – you couldn't even accomplish what you set out to do, you let Pettigrew escape.._

The thoughts washed over him and he gave a shudder, falling still. He could just see a cold, clammy hand reaching out for him, lowering its hood, letting out a rattle and sucking out the air..

And then he knew no more.

* * *

When he came to, he was locked in an office high up on a tower in Hogwarts. Sirius sat up with a start and looked around wildly, but before he could do anything he caught sight of Dumbledore and Fudge. Dumbledore was looking at Sirius with concern, but the look of Fudge's face could not be described as anything but smug.

"Are you alright, Sirius?" asked Dumbledore pleasantly, looking concerned. Fudge looked at Dumbledore sharply, as though this was not a matter of concern. Sirius just waved a hand wildly and spoke rapidly, with the air of a man who was trapped. "You have to listen to me – please, Dumbledore, I can explain – it was Peter, he was a rat, we were all animagus – "

Fudge scowled and stood up. "You dare to try and blame Peter Pettigrew for your – your horrible deeds? You dare to try and make up excuses for what – " he seemed to be overcome with emotion and wrung his hat in his hands, speechless.

Dumbledore looked at Sirius intently. "Please, Sirius, start from the beginning. No, Minister, let him give his side of the story. I do believe that one convicted is allowed to give a case?"

"Sirius Black was already tried and found guilty!" protested Fudge.

"I believe," said Dumbledore softly but with an edge to his voice, "that Sirius was never given a trial."

Fudge sat down, once more speechless. Looking at Dumbledore wordlessly, Sirius hoped that his gratitude somehow could get through. Dumbledore just looked at him sternly, and once more Sirius retold his tale, living through it a second time that night.

At the end, there was silence.

"Nonsense!" sputtered Fudge finally. "This is all utter nonsense. It's – it's preposterous to believe that three fifteen year old boys could hoodwink the ministry regulations and manage to become animagus. And that a grown man would masquerade as a rat for twelve years; in addition to fooling fifty muggles and wizards into believing that someone else had killed him.." he trailed off, and looked anxiously at Dumbledore.

Sirius held his breath. Surely Dumbledore, the man who knew everything and who was wise, and kind, and good – surely Dumbledore believed him?

Dumbledore lifted his bowed head and looked at Sirius as though he were x-raying him, his blue eyes intent and serious. Sirius felt as though he were a student again. Finally Dumbledore nodded, and stood up. "Come, Fudge, there are matters to attend to."

Sirius wilted in his chair. Fudge leapt up quickly. "Yes, yes, I'll go have the dementors rounded up. I suppose they'll want to perform the kiss at once."

But Dumbledore shook his head. "Perhaps," he said, "We should check on Mr. Potter and his friends, first."

Fudge blinked, but walked out of the room muttering and nodding his head in agreement.

Dumbledore walked out behind Fudge, stopping once to give Sirius another look that managed to reassure Sirius more than any word ever could. He mouthed, _Wait_, to him, and then closed and locked the door.

Sirius leapt up and began pacing the room, checking the window and the door (both locked) and wondering what was going to happen. What had Dumbledore meant? How was he possibly going to get him out of this mess? Had he even believed him? Questions rolled around impatiently in his mind, and then he thought of Remus. He sat back with a groan, wondering what had happened to him and if he would ever see him again. It had felt wonderful to hug Remus again, to feel his warmth against him – but was it the last time he would be able to?

He began to pace again, fearing for his life. But hardly five minutes had passed when a tap came on the window. Sirius looked up, and then his jaw dropped – for there was Harry and Hermione, hovering in the air ontop of a hippogriff.

The window sprang open, and Sirius stared openmouthed up at Harry. "How – how – ?" he asked weakly. Harry shook his head. "Get on – there's not much time. You've got to get out of here – the dementors are coming – Macnair's gone to get them."

Sirius heaved himself out of the window and managed to pull himself onto the hippogriff behind Hermione. Harry urged on the hippogriff – whose name was Buckbeak – and the great beast swept upward into the air, soaring higher and higher until in landed with a clatter on the battlements of the top of the West Tower.

Harry and Hermione slid off at once, and then turned to face Sirius. "Sirius, you'd better go, quick," panted Harry. "They'll reach Flitwick's office any moment, they'll find out you're gone."

But Sirius couldn't bring himself to leave, not yet. "What happened to the other boy? Ron?"

"He's going to be okay. He's still out of it, but Madam Pomfrey says she'll be able to make him better. Quick – go – "

Still, Sirius was staring down at his Godson, drinking his essence in, his similarity to James.

"How can I ever thank – "

"GO!" shouted both Harry and Hermione.

Sirius wheeled Buckbeak around, and suddenly he was facing the open sky.

"We'll see each other again. You are – truly your father's son, Harry.."

And then he squeezed Buckbeak's sides with his heels, and they took off into the open sky and into freedom.

**I'm sorry; I know this is a fairly short chapter, and that it's been overdue, not to mention that it sucks. I've just kept putting it off. After all, everyone already knows what happens in this part of the book, so I've had very little muse to continue writing – because, in my opinion, the point of a fanfiction is to explore other stories and relationships that a book doesn't go into. ****And then on top of that, even after I wrote it, my fanfiction account spazzed out and wouldn't let me post it. ****Nonetheless, it's finally done! And I promise, the next chapter will be more interesting and will focus back on Sirius and Remus's relationship, brief though it may be, in the years before the fifth book and the final climax!**

**As always, thanks for reading and commenting, and just remember that much of the content and all of the characters come from the wonderful brain of J. K. Rowling.**


	12. Chapter 12

The next year is a blur, one that Remus could only later recall in vague memories – like the hazy, pure beaches that he and Sirius got lost in together, or of the drizzling, misty Irish paradise of his ancestors where they hid away in, or, best of all, of the exotic bamboo fields in some remote Asian village where he and Sirius spent an entire lovely month together. There was no one safe place for them stay yet, and by an unspoken agreement they decided not to use the Fidelius Charm. So he and Sirius were on the run, and true, they couldn't afford to stay in one place for very long, but they were together at last, and they were happy.

He remembered the first night that they had spent reunited, holding each other closely in a tiny inn and both incredulous that this was actually happening, that somehow it was possible that the world had finally been righted. Explanations came later, when Sirius told him the whole story and apologized. Remus hadn't known what to say on his part; he felt immensely guilty for the whole thing. After all, he was supposed to love and trust Sirius with his whole being, but instead he had believed that Sirius had actually murdered his best friend. In the end he told Sirius the truth: that although a superficial part of him had believed that Sirius was guilty, the rest of his being rebelled against it entirely.

Sirius had just waved it off, admitting that both of them had been wrong. Remus wasn't quite as ready to forgive himself, and he continued to try and condemn himself, seeking redemption from both Sirius and himself.

"I should have tried to save you, Sirius," Remus had said guiltily.

"Who are you, Merlin? You're just human, Moony. There's no way you could have broken me out of jail. And besides, Peter's a bloody good liar." He growled out that last part, still bitter that Peter had gotten away.

Remus just shook his head. "But a part of me _did _know that you were innocent. I just.. didn't want to be too hopeful, I suppose. But I should have tried to prove your innocence or something. Anything except for mooning about the way I did."

At that Sirius had sat up and had given Remus a sharp look. They were still a little awkward with each other, unsure after thirteen years apart, but slowly their natural movement around each other was coming back and with alarm Remus recognized that look.

"What do you mean, 'mooning about'?"

"Well," said Remus sheepishly, avoiding Sirius's eyes and feeling like a schoolboy again, "I wasn't exactly thriving. You were gone. James and Lily were dead, Peter was dead, I hadn't yet met Harry – I had nothing to live for anymore. After my mother died, if Dumbledore hadn't rescued me with a position at Hogwarts..." he trailed off. "It was bad, Padfoot."

Sirius put a hand to his head and looked furious with himself. "Damn, Remus, I've failed you. Again, I've failed you." It was just like he'd been afraid of in the very beginning, of hurting Remus. And he had.

Remus tried to interrupt, but Sirius waved off his protests and started again, speaking angrily, the anger directed towards himself. "I promised to always be there for you, to wait for you.. to come back to you.. and I failed you. I didn't come back. And you – you almost killed yourself! You were reduced to nothing, _nothing_! It's my fault. I made you too dependent on me, and then I failed and didn't come back.." he stopped, unable to continue, his hands digging into his lanky black hair. "You.. and James, and Lily," he whispered. "All my fault."

"No!" said Remus vehemently, startling Sirius. "You _did_ come back, Sirius. You promised you'd come back to me and here you are." Remus moved closer to Sirius, looking at him solemnly but at the same time admiring his eyes, those eyes that Remus had thought he'd never see again. "You haven't failed, Sirius. You escaped from Azkaban, for Merlin's sake. You tried to avenge James and Lily, and you came back." This time Remus was the one who broke off, overcome with emotion. "Maybe.. maybe it took you a long time, but who else do you know that escaped Azkaban? You are nothing but amazing, Sirius Black. And I love you for it. I will always love you."

"Remus.." said Sirius sadly, and then he broke down and sobbed, and Remus cried with him. They held each other that night, and they knew somehow everything would be okay in the end.

Later, when their tears had abated and they lay in each other's arms, Sirius spoke up again. "Moony," he said, a little sternly, "You have to promise me not to give up again if something should happen to me."

Remus looked up, taken aback. "What?"

"If anything should happen to me, I want you to pick yourself up and move on."

"I gave up on you once, Padfoot, and I'm not giving up on you again," said Remus calmly. Sirius shook his head, becoming heated in his desire to be understood. "No, you're not listening."

There was a pause as Remus waited for Sirius to explain. "If I die, you have to move on, Remus. You have to find another reason to live – be it Harry, or Hogwarts, or another man." As an afterthought he added, almost grinning, "or woman."

Remus rolled his eyes, thinking that Sirius was kidding. "Go on, then."

Scowling, Sirius sat up. "Remus, I'm serious."

"That you are," chuckled Remus.

This made Sirius groan. "Why do I put up with you?"

"Because you love me."

"I do, even if you are a cheeky blighter."

Remus pushed Sirius forward and kissed him, but before too long Sirius sat up again.

"I really am serious, though, Moony. You've got to be happy even if I'm gone."

"Nothing's going to happen to you, Pads. You're back now, and nothing will ever take you away from me. I'll follow you anywhere, and I'll find you. We'll wait for each other." Like a young lover again, Remus was drunk with the belief of his and Sirius's immortality. Already once he had thought Sirius dead to him, but he had come back – surely, after such an ordeal, nothing bad could possibly happen again. They could overcome anything, Remus was sure.

"I will _always_ be waiting for you in our clover field," promised Sirius fiercely. "But if I go first, I don't want you to hurry after me. I want you to live without me, and be happy."

Remus was silent for a few moments. "I can't," he said, and his voice cracked a little. For the first time both of them were reminded that they were middle-aged, that they were growing older and were no longer young teenagers. "I can't be happy without you, Sirius. Do you.. once you told me that if we died, we'd wait for each other, do you remember? 'That when we live no more, we may live ever'. And I meant that. If you die, I would rather die and be with you forever."

"No," said Sirius, "No!" this time he was the fervent one, the one with passion inscribed deep into the marrow of his words. Anguish colored his tone, and love for the man who sat next to him. "Remus. Don't you_ dare_ say that you'll kill yourself if I was to die. You _have_ to stay alive, must find happiness and live and carry on the Marauder legacy. Who else will watch over Harry? Who else will keep Snivellus in his place? If you killed yourself because of me, I'd never forgive myself."

Again Remus was quiet. "I thought.." he said, slowly, "I thought you said you'd always wait for me. That we'd be together, always."

"We will. I will always wait for you. But I don't want you to rush to find me if I should die. I want you to promise that you'll keep living, keep trying to find happiness. That if you find someone who gives you a modicum of happiness, you'll be with them."

Remus gave him an anguished look. "How could I ever be with anyone else besides you?"

"Promise me, Moony!" there was a fierce and stubborn look on his face, one that Remus knew well. And even though he didn't let himself think about why they were talking about this now – didn't let himself think what he truly knew, deep in his heart, that Voldemort would be back soon and life could take them anywhere in the next few years, he knew Sirius was making sense.

"Fine. I promise. But you have to promise too. And even if I found someone else, someone who gave me barely one-tenth of the love that you give me, I'd still come and find you. Always."

Sirius sighed in relief. "Then I promise too. And I'd still come and find you – no one could keep me away."

Remus lay his head on Sirius's chest and listened to his heartbeat, battling with his thoughts. He wanted to believe that nothing would ever happen again – after all, hadn't they dealt with more than their fair share of tragedy, already? What else could possibly happen? Remus wanted to stay drunk with his new happiness, but he knew he was being naïve. Dangerous times were coming, after all. The war wasn't over. With a sigh he realized that he was slipping out of the teenage boy that he had been pretending to be for the evening, and that the weight of everything had come crashing back down on his shoulders.

Sirius seemed to sense this, so he decided to distract Remus.

"Moony?"

"Mmm?"

"Do you still read poetry?"

"I stopped. It was too painful, while I didn't have you. I barely read books, either, until I got back to Hogwarts."

"I'm sorry." Sirius sounded very sincere. "I didn't mean to take away poetry from you on top of everything else."

"S'alright," yawned Remus, suddenly tired. "I suppose I can start reading it again," he added thoughtfully.

"Do you remember any?"

"'Course I do, you silly dog."

"Tell me one, Moony. Please."

"Hmm.. To make a prairie it takes a clover," Remus began to quote, surprised at how easily the poetry came back. Sirius gave him quiet, happy smile, and absentmindedly played with Remus's hair. "and one bee, –  
One clover, and a bee,  
And revery.  
The revery alone will do  
If bees are few."

Sirius smiled and leaned in for a kiss. "This," he said emphatically, with ardor after a moment, "This is what I missed."

"What, not my devilish good looks?"

* * *

Nearly a year, an entire precious year together, slipped by in this manner, with them moving from place to place. There was the occasional spot of trouble – like the time when Sirius revealed himself to get the dementors away from Hogwarts, or when he had to go to Hogsmeade for a short time to help Harry with the Triwizard tournament – but overall they were ecstatic with just being together, _actually_ being together after everything that had happened.

But finally things began to change, as they are prone to do.

One early morning Sirius was woken up by an annoyed owl who was hooting around a letter moodily at him. Bleary-eyed and still half asleep Sirius took the letter, but instead of taking off the owl stayed put, as though awaiting a reply letter. The owl glared at him through beady eyes, and Sirius took the hint and read the letter. It wasn't from Harry – but that wasn't a surprise, as Hedwig wasn't the one who had delivered the letter – but instead from Dumbledore.

After Sirius had read the letter he stared at it, conflicting emotions racing through him. The one useless thought that surfaced to the top of his menagerie of emotions was that the ministry should use owls to track down convicts. After all, owls had managed to do what the entire British wizarding population had failed at: find Sirius.

Remus got up not too long after, being an early riser, and he stumbled upon Sirius in surprise and then concern. He understood as Sirius showed him the letter, though.

"Dumbledore finally needs us, then."

Sirius just nodded. There was a pause, and then he said, huskily, "I don't know if I can go back to.. to that place, Remus."

Sitting down and putting a hand on Sirius's shoulder, Remus spoke after a few contemplative minutes. "Padfoot.. I know you don't want to go back, but do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Traveling around, never staying in one place?"

"Anything is better than going back there."

"You know that I'll do anything for you," said Remus. "So if you don't want to return, I don't mind."

Sirius looked up in alarm, gratitude and guilt battling on his face. "Didn't you read the letter? Dumbledore wants you back, too. He wants you to join the Order."

Remus just shrugged. And then Sirius knew that he couldn't do that to Remus – he couldn't just selfishly refuse to go back to his home because of bad memories. Dumbledore, too, was counting on him, as was an entire group of people.

So suddenly Sirius found himself back home at Grimmauld Place. At first it wasn't for long, because after setting up the protective spells and casting the fidelius charm as well as making sure that the rooms were habitable, if not especially clean, Sirius and Remus went to Hogwarts to be near Harry as he undertook the last task.

There was excitement after that, what with Voldemort returning and the chaos that resulted from that, but soon after Sirius found himself banished to Grimmauld place again, the one place he despised more than anything. Dumbledore had insisted that Sirius be careful not to leave or attract attention, which meant that he couldn't do anything at all to help.

It wasn't all bad, of course. Remus was still with him most of the time, and that was important. But a good portion of the time Remus was away on missions for the order, or was busy with research, or there were just too many people around for them to have any privacy. Because, as headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix, Grimmauld place was suddenly teaming with life, and Sirius found himself shoved into society again. In most ways this was good – he got to see many of his old friends, and it kept him from being too lonely – but it was also bad, because he had to deal with old enemies like Snape, and having people judge him, and he didn't get to see Remus as often as he'd like, even when Remus was home. He and Remus didn't really tell people about their relationship, just because it was easier. Of course, there were some people who knew and others who guessed, but it was kept low-key.

As a result of being back home and having nothing to do, as well going from having Remus constantly around him to Remus not always being around, Sirius began to go a little stir-crazy. He got more reckless, more likely to take risks, and more surly as the days went by. The only thing that really soothed his prickly moods were having Remus around, and having Remus to himself.

He was happy when Harry and his friends came over the summer – even though he was a little resentful that Dumbledore wouldn't let him go on the rescue mission to get Harry, letting Remus go instead – but that happiness quickly dwindled as the summer waned, and the teenagers got ready to go back to Hogwarts. He had gotten used to the youthful atmosphere that having teenagers around resulted in, and besides, having Harry around brought back good memories of James.

But soon they left and the house got very quiet. Members of the Order still came and went, but there were long stretches of time when the house was empty except for him.

Sirius was alright, though. He had Remus with him for a good portion of the time, and during Christmas the house was again set awhirl with activity and people.

But that, too, soon ended. And even worse, Remus was sent away on a mission for Dumbledore for a few months, and Sirius felt even more alone. He felt useless, empty, and bitter. He knew that Dumbledore was just trying to protect him, but he felt irrationally angry at him, and at Voldemort – but mostly at Peter. It was horrible to have lost Remus again after being so briefly reunited, and he constantly worried about him, hoping he would be okay. Sirius thundered around the house in a foul mood for those lonely months, terrorizing Kreacher and nearly losing his head a few times, thinking about running away.

In the end Remus came back, and Sirius settled down. He could tell that Remus was concerned about him, however, and one evening soon after Remus had returned he got Sirius to talk about it.

Sirius explained, and Remus didn't look surprise. To Sirius's disappointment, however, he didn't offer any words of sympathy or really anything at all, instead just kissing him and walkin off thoughtfully. Sirius shook it off, however, wondering if he was making things out to be worse than they were. He was safe, after all, and alive, out of Azkaban and finally reunited with Remus. What more could he ask for?

That afternoon Sirius was walking around moodily looking for Kreacher, who had been missing now for a few days. Before he could find him, however, he was interrupted by Remus.

"Padfoot!" he called out, and Sirius hurried towards him. "Harry wants to talk to you."

Perplexed, and wondering why Harry hadn't just used the mirror he had given him, Sirius hurried downstairs and approached Harry's floating head on the fire.

"What is it?" he said quickly, wondering what was wrong and how Harry had managed to contact him through the floo network. "Are you alright? Do you need help?"

"No," said Harry, "it's nothing like that.. I just wanted to talk..about my dad.."

Sirius and Remus exchanged a look of surprise, but they listened to Harry's explanation and did their best to explain away James's behavior. It wasn't long before Harry had to go, but even when he had gone he left Sirius happily distracted and feeling in a better mood than he had been in for weeks.

"Poor Harry," chuckled Sirius when he and Remus had sat back down at the kitchen table. "It can't be easy having a git like Prongs as a father."

Remus smiled, but he looked concerned. "I wouldn't wish that on anyone," he agreed. "But I'm more worried about Severus stopping the occlumency lessons. It's vital that Harry learns how to properly block his mind."

Sirius sniffed, narrowing his eyes. "Snivellus had better start shaping up, or I'll go to Hogwarts myself and bend his beaky nose into shape."

There was a laugh from Remus, but Sirius continued more bitterly than he intended, "Not that I'd be allowed to, of course. Can't have Sirius stepping out of the house."

A long pause followed this statement, and then Remus looked at him thoughtfully. "One way or another this'll end, Sir. I know it's awful, but you won't be stuck here forever."

Sirius softened slightly. "I know." He sighed. "It's not so bad when you're around, anyways."

Remus smiled, a little sadly. "I'm sorry that I can't be around more."

"Voldemort's not going to kill himself, so someone's got to do it."

"Right," said Remus, now a little bashfully. "But that doesn't make it easier for you, being stuck here alone."

At this Sirius leaned forward a little, wondering what Remus was getting at. Remus grinned embarrassedly at him, and then quickly pushed a red paper heart out towards Sirius. Sirius accepted it, and then looked at it, a little bemusedly. It was neatly cut and was made out of red construction paper, but Valentine 's Day was long over and Sirius had no idea what it was for.

Seeing Sirius's confusion, Remus helped him out. "It's my heart. I'm giving it to you, so you can carry it with you when I'm away." Sirius grinned, moved by the slightly silly gesture, and then turned the heart over. To his surprise, he saw writing on the back. "There's something written here."

"It's a poem."

Sirius could read make it out easily, being used to Remus's handwriting, and he read,

"_i carry your heart with me(i carry it in  
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere  
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done  
by only me is your doing,my darling)  
i fear  
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want  
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)  
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant  
and whatever a sun will always sing is you_

_here is the deepest secret nobody knows  
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud  
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows  
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)  
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart_

_i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)_"

Touched beyond words, he leaned over to kiss Remus gently, and then slowly with energy, feeling more at peace than he had been for a long time.

* * *

A few more months passed in relative happiness, and then one afternoon found Remus and Sirius alone at Grimmauld place, with only the rumbling thunder outside to disturb their privacy. In the living room Remus looked up from his poetry book and realized with a start that his tea had grown cold. He sighed to himself, for there was nothing worse than cold tea. Then he had to laugh, for a moment, for if the worst thing in his life was cold tea, then he was very lucky indeed. Only a year ago.. well, it was best not to think about that time.

"What're you laughing at, love?"

Sirius had walked into the kitchen with the wolfish grin on his face that Remus loved so dearly. Although Sirius's tone was teasing, his eyes were searching, as if he wanted to know, really wanted to know. _Tell me everything about you, Remus,_ they seemed to say. _I'm afraid I have forgotten, and I want to know all of you as I once did._

He sat down next to Remus at the table, and Remus smiled, pointing at the tea. "My tea's gone cold," he explained.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "If that makes you laugh, you're a funny man indeed. But you do realize that's what magic is for...?" He raised his arm to tap Remus's mug with his wand, but Remus stopped him. "It tastes better the muggle way. Watch."

And he stood up to refill the kettle in the kitchen, Sirius trailing along behind him like a puppy. After a few minutes – minutes that Sirius spent impatiently informing Remus that this was a waste of time, and magic was around to make life easier. Remus just smiled knowingly, ignoring Sirius. Finally as the kettle shrieked out a warning whistle he grew silent, watching as Remus poured out the tea into battered mugs and let them steep, the tea bags slowly bleeding into the hot water.

Overall it took a good fifteen minutes, but eventually the tea was done and had cooled enough to try. Sirius was quiet as he drank the tea, but his eyebrows raised nearly into into his gorgeous, long wavy hair, and he had a twinkly smirk on his face that told Remus all he needed to know.

"...told you so," muttered Remus, to which Sirius laughed, a happy laugh was made possible by months of having Remus nearly to himself again. Remus's heart stopped a little, both at the sight of the gorgeous man in front of him whom he was utterly besotted with and also with the necessity of telling said man that soon he would have to leave again, for a few weeks, to go on another mission.

He was afraid that leaving would set Sirius spiraling off into another despair, despite the silly paper heart that he had given him. But Remus now knew that he could find and rescue Sirius from such a mental state, and firmly believed that everything would be okay. Nonetheless he didn't want to tell him just yet. Remus wanted to keep this happiness for as long as he could.

Yes, indeed, if cold tea was the worst thing in his life than he was very well off indeed. And, thought Remus with a happy sigh, hopefully cold tea would be the worst thing in his life for many many more years. He had had enough sadness for a lifetime.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I forgot to mention in the last chapter that the two poems I used belong to the masterful Emily Dickinson and E. E. Cummings. I just borrowed them :) As I did with the Frost poem that's in this chapter. Anyways, here we go... And in case you were curious, I was inspired greatly while writing this chapter by Corinne Bailey Rae's song Till It Happens To You, which fits the somber mood pretty well in my opinion. **

**Two more chapters after this! And as always, thanks for reading. Also: the book, characters and a few of the scenes from the chapter belong to J. K. Rowling.**

Sirius dodged Buckbeak's snapping bill and tried to subdue him, using one hand to keep the hippogriff's beak shut and using the other to stroke his feathered cheek. "Remus," he said through gritted teeth as Buckbeak flailed wildly in pain, "A little help, perhaps?"

"Coming, coming," said Remus distractedly, who was busy unwrapping a gauze-like band aid. Finally he got it to unwrapped all the way and hurried over to Buckbeak. But before he began wrapping the stuff around the hippogriff he paused, looking towards the door. "Do you hear that?" he asked. Sirius scowled and shook his head, nearly getting whacked in the face by Buckbeak's flailing wing. "No! And I'd appreciate it if you'd get the damn thing on this stupid bird – " Buckbeak gave him a nasty look at this, so Sirius hastily amended, "I mean, this wonderful creature, so we can be done with it already before he takes one of us out."

Remus gave one last fleeting look towards the stairs – he could have sworn he had heard someone shouting out Sirius's name – but then he shrugged. It was an old house, and perhaps Mrs. Black had woken up again. He knelt beside Buckbeak and tenderly wrapped the hippogriff's leg with the material, making a solid brace. Remus waved his wand and it secured, and then he charmed the leg with another spell, one that would help to heal it. Buckbeak settled down finally and Sirius let go of his beak, panting.

"Thank you," he said, with a sigh. "You may be handsome, but you're bloody unhelpful in hippogriff care."

Remus just shrugged, grinning at him. Sirius leaned forward, putting a hand out to caress Remus's cheek, and then they heard the door slam. They both jumped, and this time Sirius was the one who looked out down the stairs.

"Now _that_ I heard," he said, ruefully. "I wonder who dares interrupt us."

Both men got up and went downstairs where Moody, Tonks, and Kingsley had arrived, and were milling about the front room. The group looked up when Sirius and Remus entered the room, and greeted them with stiff smiles. Or at least Moody did. Kingsley had a warm smile for the two men, and Tonks was smiling from ear to ear – at Remus, Sirius noticed suddenly, feeling stirrings of amusement and jealousy.

"Wotcher, Remus!" she said, and then upon noticing her cousin, smiled a little less brightly at him. "Sirius," she added.

Yes, thought Sirius, fighting off a smirk, Tonks was certainly smitten with Remus. He was surprised that he hadn't noticed before, but usually he only had eyes for Remus, so it made sense. He decided later to casually mention to Tonks that Remus was unavailable, or perhaps he'd bring it up to Remus instead.

While Sirius had been musing, he had missed out on the conversation that had started. Moody was asking gruffly about the possibility of some kind of dinner before the scheduled Order meeting, and Tonks was telling him off for being so impolite.

Remus held his hands up, "Really, Nymphadora, it's fine. I was planning on making dinner soon anyways."

"There. See, there's nothing wrong with gently _reminding_ someone that it's time for a meal," growled Moody, "especially when one is an honored guest."

"Oh, so now you're an honored guest?" teased Tonks, rolling her eyes at her mentor.

Before anyone else could speak, there was a soft _pop_ and an ethereal doe stood in front of them. The insubstantial patronus lowered her gentle head, and they all froze as Snape's voice floated out of the creature. "Where's Black?"

Sirius swallowed his distaste and stepped forward, forcing himself to speak civilly. Something serious must have happened if Snape was contacting them in this risky manner – something that had to do with Harry, most likely.

"I'm here," he said, a little hoarsely. "What's going on?"

"The Dark Lord has managed to convince Potter that you are in danger, Black. And he has gone after you to the Department of Mysteries." Snape spoke briskly and neutrally, but he couldn't quite manage to keep all of the scorn out of his voice. It was odd listening to such a beautiful create deliver such horrible words, Sirius noticed idly. He tried to focus, realizing that the thing that they had been trying to avoid happening – Voldemort getting the prophecy – all year had happened.

Moody at once took charge, stepping forward in front of the doe. "What are the orders?"

"Dumbledore is going to the Ministry immediately and he wants all those who are able to join him there. Be prepared to fight." The doe glimmered, paling a little, but before it had vanished completely Snape added, a little spitefully, "Black is to stay behind."

Then the doe was gone. Moody quickly pulled something out of his pocket and began to tap it with his wand, while Kingsley looked on solemnly. Sirius turned to Remus, his blood congealing thickly and angrily through his bones. He tried to stay calm. "I'm going," he said, fighting to keep his voice level. "Harry's in trouble."

"No can do, Sirius," answered Moody, who had put the contraption back in his pocket with a final tap. "You've had your orders."

"I'm going," repeated Sirius stubbornly, his voice rising a little. "I've been stuck in this damn house all year and I'm _not_ staying here during the biggest fight that we've had so far – "

"Sirius," pleaded Remus, and Sirius stopped abruptly. Surely Remus would support him, wouldn't he? Remus knew how horrible he felt being constantly stuck in Grimmauld Place, out of the action, doing nothing.

"They're right, Sirius," said Tonks, trying to speak brightly. "Tough luck, though."

Sirius growled, and shook his head. "I'm going!" he insisted, looking again at Remus pleadingly. Sirius was slowly being killed by this house – if he stayed here any longer he would die. This battle would make him feel alive again, he was sure of it. Remus looked at the expression in Sirius's eyes and knew there was no use arguing.

"There's no time," boomed Kingsley, finally speaking. "If Sirius wishes to break orders, there's nothing we can do. We must leave now." He looked at Sirius and winked, then turned to Moody, who let out an annoyed huff.

"Fine," Moody allowed, "But just remember if you get caught and killed it's _your_ bloody fault, not mine."

Satisfied, Sirius agreed. He knew Remus was watching him with anxious eyes, but he smiled at him, mouthing, _it's going to be fine._

They apparated quickly, and soon reached the eerily empty Ministry. They took off at a sprint, getting down to the Department as rapidly as they could. It took them a few minutes to figure out which door was the one they needed, but Kingsley and Tonks sorted it out and they all entered the fray, Remus reaching for Sirius's hand and giving it a squeeze before letting go. Sirius smiled at him, a tense, excited smile, brimming with renewed love and vigor at the nearness of battle.

And then they entered the fray, raining down spells at the surprised Death Eaters so that the dark, misty room was suddenly lit up with radiant neon sparks. Life, thought Sirius gleefully. This was what it was like to be alive; he had forgotten how wonderfully danger made one's heart beat. He began dueling with a masked Death Eater, his wand moving through the air so fiercely it was like a blur. His opponent fought back ferociously, and they began a dance, running and dodging and shouting spells at each other until Sirius hit him with a stunning spell, and his opponent was down.

Sirius looked up eagerly, pushing his hair impatiently out of his way, surveying the scene. Remus was fighting his way towards Harry and the others, while Kingsley dueled two men at once. Tonks was running towards Moody, who had fallen to the ground and lay there, limp and bleeding. Sirius felt a flash of concern for Moody, and turned to find the man who had injured him; he saw Dolohov, unmasked, who was attacking Harry and Neville. At once Sirius ran forward and rammed him with his shoulder, forcing him out of the way and cutting off his spell.

Dolohov turned towards Sirius with a malevolent look on his face, raising his wand. Before either men could act, however, there was a cry of "_Petrificus Totalus!_" and Dolohov was down.

"Nice one!" shouted Sirius, quickly ducking both of their heads down as a Stunning Spell shot past them. "Now I want you to get out of – "

Before he could finish they had to duck again, avoiding a green light that sped past them and hit Tonks, who toppled to the ground off the steps.

Sirius was up at once, running after Bellatrix, who had shot the spell. "Harry, take the prophecy, grab Neville, and run!" he shouted back at Harry, hoping his godson would listen and get out; he had some business to take care of with a family member of his. He chased after his cousin, shooting spells at her that she dodged, cackling. She reached the dais in the middle of the room and then spun around, cutting her wand through the air and sending spell after spell at him. He laughed, fiercely, fighting back and dodging, feeling more alive than he had in ages. The room had grown quiet, suddenly; something had changed, but Sirius didn't dare turn around to find out what it was.

"Come on, you can do better than that!" he taunted Bellatrix as he avoided another jet of red light. He noticed vaguely that his voice was echoing loudly around the suddenly quiet room, but before he could notice anything else he had been struck, right in the center of his chest.

His last fleeting thought was of Remus, and his mind desperately sought out Remus's, needing to hold him and tell him how much he loved him, trying to grasp onto the man who tethered him to this life. But before he could find him, he slipped away, his body falling gracefully backward and sinking down through the veil that was hanging from the arch on the dais. Sirius didn't feel his body hit the ground, because he had already gone, left the world with only quiet breath of regret, his body flowing up into the stars and away, leaving only a legacy and a promise behind.

Remus froze, his breath catching in his throat, and he heard Bellatrix's scream of triumph as if from far away. Why had Sirius fallen? Was Sirius...gone? His brain couldn't comprehend what it had just seen, and it rebelled, fighting reality, insisting that no, Sirius wasn't gone, no, no, _no_, it wasn't possible for him to be _dead_..._gone..._

Gone... he was gone. Was it possible? It wasn't. It couldn't be. He wouldn't leave me again, thought Remus desperately. Not after such a short reunion – two years, that was all, barely two years they had had together, surely the universe couldn't be so unkind. Remus felt like his entire self died that instant with Sirius, as though his heart had literally been ripped out of his chest. This was different, not like before. This time was no confusion or doubt or hope that there was a mistake and Sirius was innocent, this time he was just..._gone._ He was dead, and would not be coming back. Remus felt unsteady, and nearly fell to his feet. He felt different, empty, incomplete, bereft. He felt no anger, no rush of desire for revenge against Bellatrix, he just felt utterly full of despair. The stars, the bright, lovely stars had gone out and all that was left was the unfriendly, cold moon. He felt old, aged, like his youth had crumbled away now that the love that had kept him strong and alive and young was gone. Oh, Sirius..._dead_...

"SIRIUS!" Harry's call startled Remus, and he took a great breath of air, forcing oxygen into his shuddering lungs. "SIRIUS!"

Remus lurched towards Harry, no longer aware of what he was doing or saying. He grabbed onto Harry before Harry could run to the veil, forcing him to stop. Remus held on tightly to Harry, needing something real and alive to keep him standing up.

"There's nothing you can do, Harry – " he heard himself saying, as if from far away. Someone else was talking for him, he thought through a blue haze of misery, someone else who was methodical and was making sense. Harry fought him, though, trying to get away, arguing.

"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"

"It's too late, Harry – "

"We can still reach him – "

"There's nothing you can do, Harry...nothing...He's gone."

Harry refused to accept this, fighting against Remus and saying the words that Remus's own mind was screaming, that Sirius hadn't gone, _couldn't_ be gone, had promised to stay –

"He hasn't gone!" Harry yelled. "SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"

"He can't come back," said the methodical-Remus. But even the Remus who was talking's voice broke as he continued, choking on the last word. "He can't come back, because he's d – "

"HE – IS – NOT – DEAD!" roared Harry. "SIRIUS!"

Inside Remus was screaming louder than Harry, and he risked a look towards the dais to see if it was true, to wait for Sirius to come back.

But he didn't, because he was gone. And he wasn't coming back. Remus nearly broke down, but he couldn't, not now, not here while they were in danger. He had to be strong for Harry.

And so Remus forced away his emotions until later, packed them up neatly into a little ragged box, and began to drag Harry away from the dais. Harry was subdued now, as though the truth had sunk in. Neville began speaking quietly with Harry, but Remus couldn't hear what they were saying; the words didn't make sense, and he couldn't comprehend them, he was too busy staring at the dais...

Then he noticed that Neville's legs were jinxed, and he shook his head, drawing a ragged breath. He willed himself to be strong.

"Here," he said, quietly, all the sound he was able to make, as though his speech had drained away with Sirius. As though his entire self had died with Sirius. "_Finite."_ Neville's feet stilled, and there was a pause. Then Remus forced himself to keep talking, trying to keep the box closed. "Let's – let's find the others. Where are they all, Neville?"

"Dey're all back dere. A brain addacked Ron bud I dink he's all rightd – and Herbione's unconscious, bud we could feel a bulse – " Neville was speaking through a broken nose, and his words were abruptly cut off by a loud bang from behind the dais, when Kingsley hit the ground, hit by a spell shot by Bellatrix.

At once Harry was up and had ripped himself free from Remus's slackened grip. "Harry – no!" shouted Remus, but it was too late.

"SHE KILLED SIRIUS! SHE KILLED HIM – I'LL KILL HER!" Harry yelled, and he was gone, up and running after Bellatrix.

Remus knew he should stop him, but he had no energy left, so he sat with Neville and waited. At one point he tried to heal Neville's nose until he was reminded of earlier, when he had been healing Buckbeak with Sirius, and he had to stop, overcome.

Eventually Dumbledore arrived, with Fudge and the other members of the Order, and someone helped Remus up and helped him get home – was it Tonks? He wasn't sure, as his world had started the blur together. He thought he heard the same someone speaking to him, but he had ceased to be able to understand the horrid world. Finally he felt himself being led to a couch, and he sank down into it, holding his hands to his eyes, feeling empty, devoid of everything.

He looked up at the fire, watching it with hypnotized eyes, trying to distract himself. He tottered forward, falling to his knees in front of the fire, contemplating throwing himself forward into the inferno. Something stopped him though, the wisp of a memory, words that curled around his mind.

"_Moony, you have to promise me not to give up again if something should happen to me."_

"How can I keep living?" he asked, his voice ragged. "How can I do anything without you, Sirius?"

"_You have to find another reason to live...You've got to be happy even if I'm gone."_ He had said. How could Remus be happy ever again? He'd rather die. He dragged his eyes back to the fire. But his promise bound him in place, and he knew he'd never be able to kill himself. Not when it was the last thing he could do, to honor Sirius's memory. And Harry needed him; Harry, and the Order, and...oh, Sirius...why had he had to go, when they had had the rest of their lives stretching forward together...

"_I will always wait for you,"_ he had said.

"Sirius," groaned Remus, and he sank to the floor, sobbing, curling in on himself and giving himself into the utter demolishing of his world. He stayed that way until Tonks came back into the room with a cup of tea, and he stayed that way while Tonks pulled her hands around him and cried with him.

* * *

Time passed, regardless of Remus's pain. The periods of time when Remus had nothing to do were the worst, though. He had barely survived the first few weeks after Sirius's death when he had nothing to do but stay in Grimmauld Place – where else could he go? He had no money, nowhere to stay, no one to stay with. After a few weeks he had begged Dumbledore to give him missions again, to let him go live with the werewolves to try and get them on the Order's side, and Dumbledore had reluctantly given in, after giving Remus a worried look.

He spent most of his time in London from then on, trying to escape. Occasionally he would have to emerge into the real world, to have dinner at the burrow or to attend an Order meeting or to see Tonks, who had apparently taken in upon herself to take care of him. But for the most part he could forget, and he was grateful for this.

Because he found that if he could escape from his thoughts, then he didn't have to face the fact that he had already, after only a few short months, started to forget Sirius. It had started with the little things, when Remus realized he couldn't recall quite what the musky scent of Sirius was. Then after a few weeks, he realized it took longer than it should have to recall Sirius's exact eye color, and after that it was the way Sirius smiled privately, his secret smile just for Remus, which Remus couldn't quite see again in his mind.

Remus was terrified that he would forget Sirius, and it seemed unfair that he should be able to forget Sirius when the pain of his death refused to go away, hitting him fresh each day that he woke up.

Many nights found Remus sitting alone on his twin bed, palms pressed deeply into his eyes sockets, trying to remember. Pictures didn't help, they just seemed like pale imitations of the real Sirius. It seemed impossible to live anymore, and Remus felt like he was just going through the motions, like this was a mere semblance of life, like he was just counting down the hours until he died. Was it even possible to go on? How in God's name would he ever be happy again – or even just feel something, _anything_, other than the thick feeling of misery that pressed against his shoulders every day?

Once, on one of his hated free days, at Tonks's insistence they went to a bar. Tonks thought that Remus was broken down because he had lost his best friend; she had no idea that they had been lovers, and Remus couldn't bring himself to talk about it with her. They had gone drinking, but neither of them had had a good time. Tonks seemed unhappy for some mysterious reason that Remus didn't understand, but he just assumed that it was because of his cousin's death.

Even with alcohol laced in his blood, Remus had felt miserable. Drunk, or close to it, he had looked around at all of the other men at the bar, remembering what Sirius had said – that he should try to find someone else, someone who made him happy.

But all he could see was people who looked like Sirius – that man had the same hair, and over there, someone smiled in the seductive way that Sirius had used to – or people who looked nothing like him; and besides, what was the point? He was a werewolf, no one would want him. And he didn't _want_ anyone else, he wanted Sirius.

He had excused himself to the bathroom, leaving Tonks, and had locked himself in the cramped restroom. Remus had braced both his hands on the sink and had looked in the mirror, looking at the man who stared back at him. A pale, gaunt man with grey in his blonde hair peered out at him, and Remus dropped his head, feeling woozy and letting his misery wash over him, longing desperately for Sirius.

Eventually Tonks had rescued him, and life had kept going, endlessly and repetitively, dragging Remus along.

Another month past, and then a few more, and then Remus stopped counting. He felt himself closing off, growing more distant and colder. The only times he left his work were when Tonks, or occasionally Molly, forced him out, but otherwise he did his work methodically and then let himself drown in his misery.

It was different than before, when Sirius had first been gone. Then Remus had been crushed, too, but there was always the hope that there was a mistake, that something was missing, and Sirius would come back to him.

Now Remus knew Sirius wasn't coming back. True, Sirius's name was cleared this time and he had died fighting against Voldemort, and that was a little comfort to Remus. But he thought he'd rather have Sirius back and fighting for Voldemort than have him be gone. What goodness was there in a world that had stolen Sirius from him twice, anyways?

This time, too, Remus found he could still read, and occasionally he would hide away in someone else's life for a few hours by reading. But still, like last time, poetry seemed beyond him; it was something he didn't have a taste for anymore. Without a particular someone to read it to he couldn't quite swallow it down.

At one point, after time ceased to matter, Remus felt he had to do something different or he would die. He had gone weeks without doing anything except interacting with werewolves, and had despite himself even started avoiding invitations by Tonks, but he knew that if he did not get up and force himself to do something – anything – he would go mad.

So he made himself staunch his bleeding heart and he apparated to Godric's Hollow, suddenly desiring the company of his old friends. As soon as he appeared in the little town he looked around and realized with a start that it was very nearly spring out. It was still cold out, just barely getting warmer, but there were little flowers poking out of the ground, persevering despite the chill. Remus smiled a little, and then felt like he was betraying Sirius.

He hurried along, enjoying the sunshine for the first time he could remember in a while, and eventually he reached the graveyard's kissing gate. He pushed past it, his heart faltering for a moment, and then kept going to the familiar spot.

Remus had, of course, been to Lily and James's graves before. At first at their funeral, and then occasionally after he had visited his friends, once or twice with Sirius, too, later on. It always brought Remus a sort of peace to visit them, although it also brought heavy layers of sadness, too. He hesitated when he reached the quiet row of graves where James and Lily were, wondering if this was a good idea, but he had come too far to return. So he walked forward until he found the white marble tombs marked with Lily and James Potter's names and death-dates.

He took in the sight of the tombs somberly, peace and sadness fighting inside of him. The scale of emotions he was feeling made him reel; he hadn't felt anything but emptiness and misery for the past half a year, and it was odd to feel sad for someone else's death besides Sirius's.

"The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death," he murmured, reading the tomb, and then started, for his own voice had surprised him.

Remus let out a long, tired sigh, and he quietly conjured lilacs. He gently placed them down on the grave, wishing suddenly that Sirius had a grave, that there had been some way to retrieve his body.

"James," he whispered, "Lily, what am I going to do? I can't go on this way. I miss him too much."

The wind blew by gently, brushing against his cheek like a prayer. As though the wind carried it to his mind, a Robert Frost poem suddenly blossomed and he found himself reciting it to himself.

"_Where had I heard this wind before  
Change like this to a deepening roar?  
What would it take my standing there for,  
Holding open a restive door,  
Looking down hill to a frothy shore?  
Summer was past and the day was past.  
Somber clouds in the west were massed.  
Out in the porch's sagging floor,  
Leaves got up in a coil and hissed,  
Blindly struck at my knee and missed.  
Something sinister in the tone  
Told me my secret must be known:  
Word I was in my house alone  
Somehow must have gotten abroad,  
Word I was in my life alone,  
Word I had no one left but God._"

He let out a breath and then took another one in, feeling very sad. He noticed that his cheeks were wet, and tears were trembling down his face; tears not only for Sirius, but for James and Lily – and for the betrayal of Peter. He was the last marauder, the only one left alive. Still, it had been a while since he had last recited poetry, and he had almost forgotten about that one. It was a sad poem, a very melancholy, powerful one, and Remus could remember being younger and not being able to fathom how Frost had felt when he wrote it. _I can imagine it now,_ he thought wryly.

_Bereft._ It was a powerful word. Robbed, deprived, abandoned; it was the perfect title for the poem. But was Remus bereft? He absentmindedly put a hand to his forehead. Sirius had been stolen from him, but perhaps... perhaps he hadn't been abandoned. He still had Harry, after all. And Dumbledore, and the members of the Order. And Tonks. Tonks, who had been taking such good care of him. When was the last time he had cared about someone else's feelings? Or said thank you?

Remus admonished himself. He had been forgetting to live again, the very thing he had promised Sirius he wouldn't do. Perhaps he couldn't be happy, but he could at least try a little harder, couldn't he? Remus squinted up at the sun, feeling like it was a little easier to breathe. The pain in his chest lessened a little. And while it didn't go away, it seemed a little more possible to live again.

_I'm sorry, Sirius,_ he thought tiredly, realizing that he had been doing a very poor job of keeping his promise. He would try harder, he would. Starting now. With a last look at the graves of his friends, he turned on the spot and apparated.

He apparated back to the flat that he was staying in, a cheap, dirty place which was nonetheless ideal for his undercover work, and was surprised to see that someone else was there, ringing the bell.

"Nymphadora," he said, surprised. She turned around and smiled brightly at him, but he could tell that she looked tired. And her hair wasn't a bright color like it usually was; instead, it was a mousy brown.

"Remus! How are you?"

"I'm... okay, I think. Or I'm getting there." She looked a little bit surprised at this, and Remus realized he probably deserved that. "Would you like to come in?" he asked, and she eagerly accepted.

He led the way into his sparse apartment, putting on a cup of tea while she sat down. They chatted idly, and Remus found he could actually concentrate on the conversation without thinking about Sirius the entire time. The pain of Sirius was still there, lurking in the corner of his mind, weighing on his happiness, but it was possible to forget, a little, and enjoy the company of a friend. He was just smiling at something she had said when she stopped chattering and studied him closely.

"I can see you really are feeling a bit better," she said, finally. "I haven't seen you smile like that in ages, Remus."

Remus sipped his tea, giving her a rueful look, "Yes, well. I apologize for being such a terrible friend, especially when you've been such a good one. The death of Sir... Sirius, was very hard on me." Remus nearly stumbled on Sirius's name, but he managed to say it. His heart banged painfully against his ribs, but still, he could say his name – it was progress.

She waved this away, her hair lightening slightly to a blonder color. "Everyone grieves at their own pace," she said kindly. "And he was your best mate. It makes sense. I'm glad that you're happier, now, though."

There was a bit of a pause, and then Remus wondered how she had been dealing with it – after all, Sirius was her cousin. He'd never thought to ask. "Are you alright?"

Tonks nodded. "Oh, yeah. I miss him, of course. But I'm sure he's happy, wherever he is."

Remus nodded, allowing this. She did look tired, though, and very strained. And unlike before Sirius's death, her hair and facial expressions hadn't been changing throughout the conversation. Something had to be wrong, Remus was sure of it. He put his tea down, and leaned a little closer to her. "Are you sure?" he asked. "Because, if you don't mind me saying so, you look a little ill."

She bit her lip and put down her cup too. "Well," she said, sounding a little timid. "That's because I've been in love with you for a long time now, and you never... I didn't think you felt the same way, since you've never really said anything."

He had to work to control his expression from showing the shock that he felt. That was the last thing he had been expecting, and he wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to her. He was _gay_, and besides that, he was in love with Sirius. He didn't want to lose her friendship, though, or her company; at this point, she might be one of the only friends he had left. What on earth could he say to her?

_Oh, Sirius, _he thought sadly. _You wanted me to be happy, but how could this possibly be what you meant?_

He looked at Tonks, unsure of what to say as she blushed. "I hadn't... I didn't realize," he said dully. She smiled tentatively at him, and he felt panic rise in his chest.

She must have realized that – she must have learned how to read him very well, after all these months – because she stood up, looking at her watch. "I've got to go," she said abruptly. "But... maybe we could do this again soon?"

"Er, absolutely," he found himself promising, and then she was gone.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: One chapter left! :) As usual, the characters and some of the scenes in this chapter belong to J. K. Rowling and not me, etc, etc. Sorry for the delay, this chapter didn't seem to want to be written. And it's a tad long too... my apologies.**

He was gay, he reminded himself firmly, trying to concentrate as he walked up the stone steps of Tonks's neat flat in London. He was gay, and a werewolf, and overall a terrible match for Tonks. He would make her see that.

Remus nodded, once, to himself and then rang the bell. There was a soft peal that echoed throughout the house, and then a few seconds later, a crash. A little concerned, but not exactly surprised, Remus peered through the cramped window next to the door. Before he could make out anything other than laced curtains the door flew open and Tonk was there, smiling at him. Her hair wasn't back to her favorite bubble-gum pink, but it was a soft pink, and Remus felt as though this was potentially a bad sign. He was going to have to break her heart, he realized sadly, so soon after she had begun to foolishly gain a little hope. And what would happen to her? And who would _he_ have left? But it had to be done. He steeled himself.

There was an awkward moment when he and Tonks sort of danced around, unsure if they should hug each other, until finally Tonks moved aside and Remus stepped into the house.

"Hullo," he started to say, but before he could finish there was a loud _bang!_ from the kitchen and Tonks scurried towards it with a small yelp. Amused, Remus followed, but his humor was quickly changed into horror when he saw that Tonks's entire stove was on fire.

He ran forward, waving his wand, and together the two of them managed to subdue the flames. Soon all that was left was a charred, sad-looking kettle. Remus shot Tonks a concerned look and she just grinned at him, offering him a chair.

"Sorry," she said, panting a little. "My Mum always said that the kitchen would be the death of me."

"I can see why," said Remus drily. "Shall I make some tea, then?"

"Yes, please."

It took Remus a little while to charm the kettle back into a working state, but soon enough he found himself sitting back down with Tonks, bracing himself. _Just tell her,_ he thought. No point in prolonging it. Before he could speak, however, she said something.

"I'm so glad you came, Remus. I was... afraid you wouldn't."

"Nymphadora..." he sighed. Why was she making this so hard?

"Tonks," she said, impatiently, and despite himself Remus smiled.

"Dora?" he offered, and she relented, her hair brightening as she rolled her eyes. "Dora... I can't... you shouldn't be in love with me."

He had meant to sound firmer, to take away any hope that she had: _I don't love you_, that's what he had meant to say. But he couldn't do that. It was Hannah Anderson all over again – and he didn't want to hurt Tonks in the way he had hurt Hannah.

Tonks faltered a little, her hair color losing some of its brightness, but she didn't seem as distraught as Remus had hoped. "Why?" she asked, expecting him to have a good reason.

"I'm a werewolf, Tonks."

She just looked at him, unimpressed. So he continued. "I'm old, and I'm poor, and you deserve someone better – someone who is young, and... not broken, not contaminated."

She just shook her head. "I don't care, Remus. I want you. I don't care if you're a werewolf!"

"You should care!" Remus was starting to feel a little panicked. If she wouldn't let this go, what was he going to do? "No one will approve of this love if it happens! Your own parents will be disgusted – as they should!"

Of course, Remus wasn't being entirely honest with her. Yes, everything he was saying was true, but if he had truly loved Tonks back then it wouldn't have been an issue. It certainly hadn't been an issue with Sirius, but then again that was different – not only had Sirius wholeheartedly accepted Remus, even going so far as to become an animagus for him, but also their relationship itself would have already been shunned by society. But being a werewolf should be enough to stop Tonks from loving him. It had to be enough.

But it wasn't. "I don't care!" she repeated, leaning forward. "I love you, Remus. You! Werewolf and all."

Remus sighed, feeling drained and longing for Sirius. He was going to have to tell her, that was it. That would convince her. "It's not just that, Tonks."

She sat back in her chair, calming down a little. "What else, then?"

"I'm gay." He took a deep breath, wishing it got easier to say with each person, but it didn't. "I'm gay, and Sirius and I..." he trailed off, unable to finish.

Tonks grew very quiet, her eyes large, her hair darkening. "Oh," she said, softly.

There was a pause.

"You... you sure?" she asked, tentatively. Remus looked at her, taken aback.

"Am I what?"

"Are you sure that you're gay? Have you ever been with a woman? Or was Sirius the only person you were ever with?"

"I..." was this really happening? Was she really that in love with him that she'd try to overlook his gayness? "I had a girlfriend, once. Fourth... no, fifth year of Hogwarts, I think."

"There you go!" Tonks's hair was lightening rapidly, like she was gaining hope. Remus grimaced, wishing that this wasn't so hard. Why wouldn't she just believe him and let it go? "So, not entirely gay, maybe?"

"It ended badly," he said, trying to speak firmly. "And I never really liked her that much, anyways. I was just lonely."

"Maybe you just haven't met the right woman yet."

Remus stood up, nearly upsetting his cooled tea. "Nympha...Tonks... I can't. I can't! Even if I wasn't gay," (_Which I am, _he thought tiredly. _Entirely so_.) "we still couldn't be together. I'm a werewolf, and old and tired and you deserve someone better. That's just what it is."

"But I love you, Remus! I do! And I don't care." She was looking up at him pleadingly, her eyes begging him to reconsider. It would be so easy to just give in, but neither of them would be happy, Remus was sure of it. So he pushed away.

"I _do_ care. I'm not right for you." She sagged, looking away from him, and he softened. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "You'll find someone better."

She said nothing, and Remus, feeling miserable, left.

* * *

The next few weeks were horrible for Remus, almost as bad as the ones right after Sirius had died. He had no support anymore: he was alone. Seeing Tonks was out of the question, and although she had sent him a few messages, he had ignored them and she eventually stopped. He had stopped going to the Weasley's for dinner, too, because whenever he did Molly Weasley cornered him and tried to make him realize how lovely Tonks was. The only time he saw anyone was at Order meetings, but even then he had to be careful to avoid Tonks.

As a result he almost never left home, unless he was on a mission for Dumbledore or ran out of food. Remus started reading more and thinking less. He felt ragged down to the very marrow of his being, and he missed Sirius more than ever. Some days it felt like every sad poem he had ever read floated into his memory, and he had no choice but to let them march through, spearing loss and pain into his poorly patched-up heart.

_Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,  
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,  
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum  
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come._

_Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead_  
_Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,_  
_Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,_  
_Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves._

_He was my North, my South, my East and West,_  
_My working week and my Sunday rest,_  
_My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;_  
_I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong._

_The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;_  
_Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;_  
_Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood._  
_For nothing now can ever come to any good._

"For nothing now can ever come to any good," murmured Remus, quite sadly, to himself. He agreed with W. H. Auden.

To Remus's chagrin he found that life, as always, has an annoying tendency to keep moving forward, which is exactly what happened. Time passed and Remus grew lonelier and lonelier, and more than once in his weakest moments he considered going back to Tonks and just giving in, despite everything, if only to have a friendly face in his life again. But he forced himself to stay strong and he tried to keep moving, never ceasing and looking about.

He was wretched, and close to forgetting his promises to Sirius again. It was like all his progress had been lost. Remus may well have continued on like this for years, spinning out the rest of his life in miserable near-isolation, if something hadn't happened.

Towards the end of the Hogwarts school year, Harry's sixth, just as the Order was beginning to discuss potential solutions of what to do with Harry over the summer when his trace would break, Remus was summoned to go on watch at Hogwarts. This was unusual – these days he rarely did anything other than werewolf related missions – and he was wary of seeing Tonks, but also glad to do something different.

Hogwarts always affected him in a positive way, easing some of the tension from his thin shoulders; it was like coming home. Although this time he was nervous, for he hadn't been there since before Sirius's death, and wasn't quite sure what to expect.

Nonetheless, he arrived promptly on time and was met by Minerva, Bill, and Tonks. He exchanged pleasantries with them, feeling slightly odd at being around normal wizards after so long, and carefully avoided Tonks's gaze.

"Albus has asked that we patrol the corridors tonight while he's gone, just in case," Minerva reported briskly, everything about her symmetrical except for the slightly crooked tip of her hat.

So they patrolled, Remus careful to avoid Tonks.

After about an hour, all hell broke loose. All of a sudden Neville, Ron, and Ginny appeared in front of Bill and Remus, wild-eyed and spouting a story about Malfoy and Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder and Death Eaters. Bill ran to get Minerva and Tonks, while Remus led the students forward, seeking out the death eaters. His pulse was pounding and he hadn't felt this alive in months – it was as though the danger scorching through his veins was waking him up. He suddenly knew what Sirius had meant when he had said that he would die if he couldn't fight in a battle.

They ran into the Death Eaters quickly, who were heading towards the direction of the Astronomy Tower. Malfoy looked shocked, but the other Death Eaters immediately began to fire spells at the Order members. Remus blocked a curse that Yaxley shot at him and sent a spell back, but before he could do anything more serious he was distracted by Gibbon escaping up the tower. Remus ran towards him, intending to give chase, but before he could get up the steps Gibbon came crashing back down. For a moment everything seemed to slow, and a part of Remus's mind idly registered the whiteness and the amount of malevolence in Gibbon's eyes. Then suddenly Gibbon crumpled to the ground.

Remus whipped around, looking to see who had sent the killing curse towards him, and realized it was Rowle, who was getting ready to send another one Remus's way. Quickly stepping out of range, Remus hurried back into the dark corridor and began to fire spells out, trying to make out who was fighting. There were the Carrows; near them was Neville, sprawled on the floor. Ron and Ginny were dueling Death Eater nearby, and from a few steps away Remus could hear Bellatrix's cackles. A tight pain entered his chest at the sound of Bellatrix, Sirius's murderer, and it was hard to breathe, but before he could do anything he heard Bill cry out, and Fenir laughing cruelly.

Remus headed towards Bill, gripping his wand tightly, and nearly ran headfirst into Tonks. They stared at each other, speechless, for a moment, until Snape suddenly ran between them. The moment gone, they looked away.

"Severus!" Remus called, but Snape ignored him, running up the stairs. Shooting a look at Tonks, Remus tried to follow, but was repelled, thrown onto his back by some sort of barrier.

A few heartbeats passed, which seemed like lifetimes to Remus while in the middle of a roaring battle, before Tonks appeared and hauled him to his feet, shooting off a spell towards Yaxley.

Then all of a sudden, with an ear-splitting rumble, the ceiling gave in. Half of it crumpled away, and dust began to rain down the battle, the stars shining through. Remus got up with the help of Tonks and hurried towards the stairs again, this time managing to climb up the first few.

Snape and Malfoy emerged out of the rubble, and then the fighting began again. Snape shouted something as Remus pointed his wand towards one of the Carrows, and then suddenly all of the Death Eaters began to retreat.

The sudden silence after the retreat of the Death Eaters was deafening.

The next half an hour was a blur for Remus. His head swimming, he could hardly concentrate as the damage was assessed and Bill was taken down to the Hospital Wing. He remembered hushed voices speaking about Bill and looking down in sadness at the once-handsome man's ruined face.

He briefly awoke out of his daze when he heard Ginny's voice form an incredible statement: "Ron – Dumbledore's dead."

Immediately Remus became aware of his surroundings, fresh pain forcing his mind into clarity. "No!" he said wildly, looking to Harry, hoping he would refute this statement. But Harry said nothing.

_No! Dumbledore... gone?_ His brain couldn't comprehend such a horrible idea. He collapsed onto a chair, his hands over his face, his mouth trembling. Dumbledore... the man who had shown Remus such constant kindness, such wisdom, always ready with a twinkle in his eye... how could such a wonderful, kind man be dead? Remus let out a wild sob, feeling the pain of all of the loved one's he had ever lost weighing down on his chest, crushing him, and wildly he tried to claw his way out, tried to retain some modicum of decency, but instead his body failed him and he began to weep.

Then a song cut through his pain, a terribly beautiful lament that sang out the wrongness and sadness of the death of such a man as Dumbledore. Fawkes sang, and everyone stood entranced. Remus still felt unhinged, like something inside him had broken, like this was one death too many. How many more deaths could he endure? First his father, then James, and Lily, then his mother's death, and the betrayal of Peter; now Dumbledore, and Sirius, _oh_, Sirius...

But he forced himself together, pasting on a look of grimness on his face. He would be strong now. He had to be. He was one of the oldest Order members left, and he had to be a pillar of strength.

Still, it was hard to concentrate as the stories began to be told, the retelling of the battle and all that had happened.

When everything had been rehashed, there was a brief period of silence. But then Molly and Arthur walked in, and Bill's condition was discussed. Remus felt a pang of empathy and loss for Bill, being able to relate to his predicament. But as Fleur declared her love for Bill, Remus felt an uneasy feeling begin in the middle of his stomach, and he suddenly noticed that Tonks was standing next to him.

When Molly and Fleur had stopping their emphatic crying and hugging, Tonks spoke up, glaring at Remus. "You see! She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"

Was it still possible that Tonks still loved him? How could this be so? "It's different," said Remus softly, feeling tense and tired and utterly unable to keep up with all of this. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely – "

"But I don't care either, I don't care!" Tonks said, seizing Remus's robes and shaking them. "I've told you a million times..."

Remus looked at the floor, wishing she wouldn't be so dramatic at a time like this. They had had this conversation _once_, and that had been enough. Hadn't it? "And I've told _you _a million times that I am too old for you, too poor... too dangerous..."

"I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus," added Mrs. Weasley, startling Remus and making him realize that everyone was staring at them.

"I am not being ridiculous," said Remus, feeling petty for discussing such a trivial thing as love after such a tragedy. "Tonks deserves somebody young and whole."

"But she want you. And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so." Arthur spoke up this time, and Remus suddenly felt exhausted, just wishing this conversation to end, as Arthur gestured towards his son.

"This is... not the moment to discuss it... Dumbledore is dead..."

"Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world," said Minerva.

And Remus wondered suddenly if this was true. Was he being selfish to keep love away from Tonks? Yes, he was old and poor and dangerous and gay, not to mention in love with someone else, but most of these things didn't really matter anymore. Would it be so horrible to give in? To just make someone else happy? It would be lying, in a way – he _was_ gay, after all, and he would never be able to love Tonks in the way that she deserved.

It would be a horrible, selfish thing to do. But he was so tired, and so lonely...

He looked up and realized that Harry and some of the others had disappeared, and those who were left were crowded around Bill's bed. Only Tonks was still standing near him.

"Remus..." she said softly, reaching up to push a lock of his graying hair out of his face. Remus shivered at the nearness of a person – how long had it been since someone had touched him? – but it felt wrong, different, somehow. "Remus, I love you."

And even though he knew it would come to no good, and even though he knew would hate himself for it, Remus gave in.

* * *

The next few weeks flew by in a blur. But while the days hurried by, Remus slowed down. He no longer felt in control of anything; he felt as though he were just going along for the ride. Often he felt deep pangs of regret, and he second-guessed himself.

The only time when life seemed to recover its normal speed was when he caught sight of Tonks's happy, smiling face, or her vivid bubble-gum pink hair. Then his conscious eased a little, and he didn't feel as horrible as he should have. Instead he just felt tired.

They had a very quiet wedding a few weeks after Dumbledore's funeral. Even if they had wanted to have a large wedding, they couldn't have; the Wizarding community was not very accepting of werewolf and wizard marriages. Even Tonks's parents were very unhappy with Tonks's choice of a husband.

If Remus's parents were alive, he felt sure they would have been happy for him and Tonks. "_Love is a precious thing, Remus. If you have found it then you must keep it, and never let it go,"_ Remus's mother had once said. But wouldn't she have been upset with Remus had she realized that he was not in love with Tonks? It was far too baffling, and worrying, so he didn't think about it.

Tonks was happy, though, and so was most of the Order. So Remus told himself that this was enough.

It was odd, married life. He'd always wondered what it would be like to be married to Sirius, but somehow life had never quite let them get around to it. In this case, it was like living with a friend. A close friend, sure, and one that he did perhaps love – just not in the right way. He was reasonably happy, to be honest. Sometimes he was even cheerful. And for the most part, he was no longer lonely – only sometimes, when he let himself dwell too much on the past or on his guilt.

But his small happiness was paid for by guilt, acidic guilt that ate away at his conscious every day that he woke up next to Tonks. Guilt for marrying Tonks, guilt for being with someone who wasn't Sirius. But he kept at it anyways. What else did he have to live for anymore?

The worst part, by far, was the sex. It was very odd, making love to a woman, and it was hard for him. After all, there was a reason he was gay. She had all of these curves and valleys, and secret soft places, that were so different from the solid, masculine Sirius. The worst of all, another guilty secret for him, was that he had to picture Sirius's face often while sleeping with her. It didn't help either that Tonks's face literally changed from night to night; sometimes she'd have pink hair and other times blonde, and occasionally her eye colors would change or her nose or mouth. His favorite was when she had black hair, although he wouldn't let himself think about why.

For a while he was worried about it, the sex, afraid that he wasn't living up to his duty as a husband, but after the first night she had leaned close to him and had whispered, "See, you aren't gay at all."

But he was, and he knew he was. He hated lying to her, hated that their very relationship wasn't real, hated that the man she loved didn't really exist. And he hated lying to her about poetry.

"You're so handsome when you read," she had said one night, crawling next to him on the sofa. "What do you like reading best? Muggle novels? Classics? Poetry?"

"I hate poetry," he had said, quickly, taking himself by surprise. Remus didn't know where the words came from, but a secret place of in his heart refused to give Tonks the part of him that was Sirius's.

But despite the lies, and his guilt, she seemed happy. And although he hated himself for it, he was content.

So life went on. On Harry's seventeenth birthday, Remus helped get him to safety from his house, and was there as they lost another life as Moody died.

Bill and Fleur had their wedding, and the war grew worse as the ministry was taken over. Harry and Ron and Hermione had disappeared, and for the next few days Remus embarked on dangerous missions, trying to shake the Death Eater tailing him and trying to find Harry. To his surprise, a fierce part of him enjoyed it. There was a part of him that had grown reckless, that tried to emulate and remember Sirius, hurtling him towards danger with no thought of the consequences.

One night he came home, feeling bitter and tired and guiltier than usual, when Tonks greeted him at the door.

"Remus," she said, softly, her face filled with a wonder.

"Dora," he said, wondering what had happened now, sighing inwardly to himself. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she said. There was a pause, and then she smiled. "I'm pregnant, Remus. Pregnant!"

Remus felt a shiver of excitement go through him. Pregnant! A child, he was going to have a child – he would be a father! But then common sense chilled his blood, and his happiness abated. Pregnant? But... how? He realized that he had never thought about protection, not being used to the possibility. He put a hand to his head and took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. This was terrible! His kind weren't supposed to breed – who knew what would happen, how condemned the child would be, or how diseased it might turn out.

"My Mum wants us to move in, so she can help out," Tonks was saying. "And – "

"This – this is horrible, Tonks," said Remus, and immediately he regretted his harshness. A look of pain crossed Tonks's face, and her shoulders sagged.

"Remus, I... I thought you'd be happy. You're going to make such a wonderful father."

"No!" he said, digging his fingers deeper into his scalp. All his fault, this was all his fault... how could he have been so selfish as to allow all of this to happen? "My kind... werewolves... we aren't supposed to breed! I've ruined you, Tonks! And the baby – who knows what will happen to it! What it will turn out like. And everyone will be sickened; the baby will be hated..."

Tonks paled. "No, Remus – you're wrong, everything will be fine! You're going to be an excellent father, I know it..."

"Don't be naïve," said Remus coldly, feeling panicked and trapped. How could this happen? How could he be so stupid? He had to leave, had to get out – who would want a werewolf as a father? And Tonks, how could he have _ever_ let himself be selfish enough to marry her? If he left, now, immediately, she could find someone else... she could move in with her parents, and eventually she'd find someone else, someone whom she could pretend was the father of the child...

"I have to go," he said, blindly. Turning around he walked out of the house, ignoring Tonks's panicked cries. It was for the best, he told himself bitterly.

He reached the outside and apparated, turning on his heel, going to the first place that his mind thought of. To his surprise, he found himself at Grimmauld Place, somewhere he hadn't been for months, not since before Snape's betrayal. The place still brought back horrible memories, but it also gave him a sense of peace. It reminded him of Sirius, and since it was getting harder and harder to capture Sirius in his memory, anything that reminded him of his past lover was good, despite the pain.

Remus sighed, opening the door to the house, being careful to stay on the stoop and not reveal himself to the Death Eater lurking watchfully nearby. He hated that his life had become so complicated, hated everything that had happened, despite his brief moments of happiness. If only things could go back to the way they had once been... back to his days of Hogwarts, even, when he had been happiest...

He shook himself out of his revere, annoyed that he was allowing himself to drown with self-pity. _Get a hold of yourself,_ he told himself firmly. _You just left your pregnant wife. What's going to happen now?_

It was almost funny, thought Remus humorlessly as he walked into the house carefully: who would have thought that Remus, of all people, would ever be in this situation?

"_Severus Snape?_" hissed the dust figure of Moody, the house's protection against Snape, startling Remus out of his thoughts.

"It was not I who killed you, Albus," he said automatically, pain twisting inside of him at the memory of Dumbledore's death.

The dust figure exploded, and he relaxed.

But then an unexpected voice shouted, "Don't move!"

Remus froze, holding up his hands, as Mrs. Black started to scream, "_Mudbloods and filth dishonoring my house – "_

"Hold you fire, it's me, Remus!" he said quietly, deciding with excitement that it was Harry, who after all was the owner of the house.

"Oh, thank goodness," said a feminine voice weakly, and Remus relaxed. And that must be Hermione.

"Show yourself!" it was Harry again, not ready to believe that danger had passed so quickly. Good, then, thought Remus with satisfaction, Harry was being cautious. Remus stepped forward into the light and reeled off facts about himself. "I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf, sometimes known as Moony, one of the four creators of the Marauder's Map, married to Nymphadora – " at this he cringed a little, inwardly, but continued, " – usually known as Tonks, and I taught you how to produce a Patronus, Harry, which takes the form of a stag."

"Oh all right," said Harry, lowering his wand. "But I had to check, didn't I?"

"Speaking as your ex-Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I quite agree that you had to check. Ron, Hermione, you shouldn't be quite so quick to lower your defenses." Remus was very serious, but at the same time he couldn't help smiling a little. It was good to know that the three were safe. He followed them into the kitchen, and began to grimly fill them in on everything that had happened since the wedding.

Ron, Hermione, and Harry were quiet by the end of his news-telling, and then Remus felt it was time to ask what it was they were doing. "I'll understand if you can't confirm this, Harry, but the Order is under the impression that Dumbledore left you a mission."

"He did. And Ron and Hermione are in on it and they're coming with me," said Harry.

"Can you confide in me what the mission was?" He didn't think Harry would, but it was worth asking.

"I can't, Remus, I'm sorry. If Dumbledore didn't tell you I don't think I can." Harry looked sincerely regretful, which eased Remus a little, but he was still disappointed. "I thought you'd say that," said Remus, sitting back with a sigh.

All of a sudden an idea came to Remus, a horrible, delicious, intoxicating idea. He had left Tonks, and now he had a chance to get away, to do something to win the war. "I might still be of some use to you," he said slowly. "You know what I am and what I can do. I could come with you to provide protection. There would be no need to tell me exactly what you were up to."

Harry hesitated, looking excited, but Hermione gave him a puzzled look. "But what about Tonks?"

"What about her?" Remus's heart sank, and he crashed back to reality. But, no – he had left Tonks.

"Well, you're married! How does she feel about you going away with us?"

"Tonks will be perfectly safe. She'll be at her parents' house," said Remus, a little coldly. He didn't want to be reminded of the terrible things he had done.

There was silence for a minute, but then Hermione began to ask questions, unwilling to let it go. Finally Remus admitted to Tonks's pregnancy, knowing that he was now fighting a lost cause.

He could see the disapproval and shock in the three teenager's eyes, especially in Harry's, when he still insisted he could go with them on the mission. Feeling a proud need to defend himself, Remus tried to explain the mistake he had made, how shunned Tonks and the child would be in society, how deformed it could come out, and how it would be ashamed of him...

Hermione seemed very stricken by his speech, tears forming in her eyes, insisting that no child could be ashamed of Remus. But Harry spoke the truth, the truth that Remus knew and was trying to hide from.

"Oh, I don't know Hermione. I'd be pretty ashamed of him."

At this Remus froze, trying to fight the truth that was crashing around him, ruining the entire semblance that he had built up around the evening – that what he was doing was okay, understandable, and the only right thing to do.

"If the new regime thinks Muggle-borns are bad, what will they do to a half-werewolf whose father's in the Order? My father died trying to protect my mother and me, and you reckon he'd tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?" Harry continued, speaking sharply and angrily.

Remus weakly tried to defend himself, despite knowing he was in the wrong and feeling as though everything had slipped out of his control once again. "How – how dare you? This is not about a desire for – for danger or personal glory – how dare you suggest such a – "

"I think you're feeling a bit of a daredevil," Harry kept going, glaring at Remus. "You fancy stepping into Sirius's shoes – " Remus's heart grew frigid at the mention of Sirius's name, and he had to look away.

"Harry, no!" interjected Hermione, but Harry continued. "I'd never have believed this. The man who taught me to fight dementors – a coward."

His face burning, Remus drew out his wand, hardly knowing what he was doing. He felt as though he was a student again, a student who knows he has done something stupid and wrong and is being told off by a professor. There was a bang – was that his wand? Had he sent off a spell? – and then he fled, running out of the door and escaping into the night. He turned on his heel and apparated, finding himself back at his house.

_A coward. You fancy stepping into Sirius's shoes. A coward. YOU COWARD._

Harry's cruel, truthful words echoed in Remus's head, and he felt himself crumbling, falling apart, as he opened his door. He walked back into his house and into the living room, where he found Tonks, sitting on the lemon sofa she had picked out. She was crying.

Remus sat down next to her and embraced her, letting her tears mingle with his. "I'm sorry," he whispered, knowing it wasn't enough. That he wasn't enough, would never be enough for her. "I'm sorry for being so cowardly."

* * *

The next months that flew by were anxious ones, and when Remus wasn't worried about Tonks or becoming a father or about impressing Tonks's parents, he was occupied with wondering how Harry was doing on his mission.

When Teddy was born it was as though something for once in his life had gone right. As Remus held the fragile child in his arms, his hair already changing from black to ginger, a fierce love ran through him, a sudden realization that this boy was now perhaps the most important thing in his life, the one thing that kept him utterly tethered to this world.

His life was complete again. Since Sirius's death he had been incomplete, empty, bereft. Teddy didn't fill the hole that Sirius had left, but he did more than Tonks or any of Remus's friends in giving Remus a reason to keep living. Teddy, his son... his wonderful son, _his_ son. His and Tonks's. Teddy Lupin.

The next few months of his life were some of the happiest he had known in a very long time. He was with his son whenever he could be, constantly holding him and playing with him and teaching him things and words that he knew he couldn't yet understand. Remus whispered poems to Teddy as he rocked him to sleep, and then marveled at this little fragile slip of life that he had helped create. He was getting along better with Tonks, as now they had this child to hold them together, and his guilt was assuaged; it seemed that they had a legitimate relationship, now, a reason to be together. Tonks's mother, too, had warmed exponentially to Remus, in seeing how he treated Teddy with such love. And he had made up with Harry, too; he had finally realized the truth that Harry had been brave enough to speak, and was grateful. Harry had assented to be the godfather, another happy occurrence.

But the thing that made Remus the happiest was the peace that he felt. He finally felt as though he was living up to his promise that he had made to Sirius – he had found a reason to live again. He had fallen in love again, this time with the tiny child with a delicate beating heart. A future marauder, nonetheless.

And so it was with something suspiciously akin to excitement and peace that Remus answered Neville's call to arms one May afternoon. Tonks agreed reluctantly to stay behind with Teddy. She was concerned, and uneager to let her husband go off to face danger without her, but Remus was sure that nothing bad could happen. Not anymore, now when everything was so perfect.

He held Teddy close, telling him that he'd be back soon, and then embraced his wife, almost cheerfully. "Good luck," she whispered. "Be safe. I love you."

"I love you too," he said, and felt that perhaps he really meant it. Not in the way she did, maybe, but in a different way. And that was okay. "And you, Teddy."

Then he left for Hogwarts.

The castle was in chaos as people ran around the Room of Requirement and tried to organize themselves. When Harry arrived things simply got more confusing.

Finally they managed to organize themselves a little, and Remus took charge of a group of fighters, heading off for the grounds. The fighting was thick, curses flying from all sides. Kingsley and Arthur helped Remus in directing the fight, but it quickly became apparent that the Death Eaters simply outnumbered the little group.

"Retreat!" called Remus, his hair flying into his face as he shot a spell towards a hooded figure. "Back to the castle!"

Everyone followed his orders, quickly scurrying back to Hogwarts. Kingsely took the lead while Arthur and Remus fell back, making sure everyone got back inside. The Death Eaters followed, cackling maliciously and urging the giants on their side to smash the castle.

The fighting was just as heavy inside the castle, and things quickly began to fall apart. Remus lost sight of Kingsely and the rest of his troop, but he didn't have time to find them – he was too busy trying to stay alive. He stunned a Death Eater, avoided a curse from another one, and then sudden Tonks was there.

"Tonks!" he said, breathless, quickly ducking to avoid a killing curse and pulling her down with him. She hugged him, relief evident on her features. "I was so afraid, Remus, not knowing what was happening with you – "

He nodded, pulling her closer. "Teddy?" he asked. "Is he alright?"

"Mum's with him, but Remus – "

She was cut off as Dolohov strode into view. A suit of armor sprinted between them, and then Remus and Dolohov locked eyes. Dolohov sent a curse flying towards Remus, which he avoided ungracefully, pulling away from Tonks.

Tonks looked at Remus, fear in her eyes, and he reached out to grasp onto her hand. "I'll be fine. We must keep going, Dora. For Harry's sake. And for Teddy's sake."

She nodded, once, and then stood up. As Remus avoided another curse from Dolohov, sending one back at him, he couldn't help but watch fearfully as Tonks began to battle with Bellatrix. _Bellatrix_... his blood boiled a little as he remembered the woman who had killed Sirius. But before he could do anything his eyes snapped back to Dolohov as the man sent yet another spell towards him.

They began to duel in earnest. Dolohov was an excellent dueler, but a poor shot, and Remus hadn't been a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for nothing. Flashes of light danced across Remus's vision as the battle continued, but suddenly he was distracted by a scream of pain. He whipped around to see who the yell belonged to, and his heart nearly stopped as he saw Tonks fall to the ground, very still, as Bellatrix laughed manically.

_No, not Tonks! Dora!_ Remus began to panic, disbelief coloring his thoughts. Bellatrix couldn't possibly steal two people he loved from him, could she? He tensed, his heart beating uncontrollably through his sudden pain, ready to go after Bellatrix. But then, too late, he remembered Dolohov, and as he turned back to the battle a streak of red light hit him in the chest. Dolohov had finally managed to hit him, and Remus's last thoughts as he fell senselessly to the ground were first of Tonks, then of Teddy, and finally of Sirius.

_Sirius... are you waiting for me?_


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N:** **Wow, the last chapter. I'm sort of at a loss, to be perfectly honest; even though from the very beginning I knew how this story would end, and in fact picturing this ending is the reason that I was inspired to write this story at all, hoping that there could be at least one happy ending for the tragic Sirius/Remus romance, a part of me believed that I would never actually finish it. But here we are! Thank you so, SO much to everyone who has read this story. Especially to those who have reviewed or favorited this story – you guys all went a long way to inspire me to keep going. You all really are the best. I want to give a specific shout out to SilverIceBlueEyes, my favorite redheaded fanfiction buddy. LOVE YOU, LEPPIE! If it weren't for you, I'd never have been brave enough to post this fic online. Thanks for all of your reviews. I also want to thank DeliaDee for consistently leaving the most inspiring, loveliest reviews – truly, I appreciate it! You've definitely helped this story continue. I don't have enough time to thank everyone there is to thank – like Potterholic78 and Rachel, two awesome friends of the awesomest kind who have encouraged my writing and who finally have seen the wonderful sense of this pairing; or J. K. Rowling, without whom there would be no story, or all of the poets whom I have quoted in this fic, including Patrick Phillips, who I quoted in this chapter, or really, just anyone who has read this fic: without you all I wouldn't be writing at all, and I can't thank you enough – because I'm sure you all want me to stop being so silly and sentimental over an insignificant bit of fiction and get on with the chapter :)**

**Thank you all for sticking with me and reading this story to the end! I hope the last chapter doesn't make anyone else cry (I seem to be making loads of people cry, and for that I apologize) and isn't too clichéd. I've had an amazing experience writing this story, and I've loved every bit of it – well, most bits of it, anyways. I'm glad I could get the story of Remus and Sirius as I always imagined it down, and I've really fallen in love with these two boys, more than before. I hope I've done them justice. It's been a great first story, and I can't hope to keep writing!**

**Oh god, this is way too long. My apologizes. I'll stop babbling. Alright, then, here we go! This is the last part of Which In the Clover Dwell, my Madfoot (Moony + Padfoot – it works, right?) story. Enjoy!**

It was an odd feeling, being dead. It was like being weightless, sort of, or almost like having forgotten something and knowing that it was important but not quite knowing what it was in the first place. This didn't concern Remus too much, however.

Remus sat up slowly in order to consider all of this a little more closely. As soon as he opened his eyes and looked around he became aware that everything around him was cloaked in a white, embracing mist. Delighted, Remus realized that this mist had the potential to become anything at all that he liked. He played around with this idea a little, having the mist form itself into bookshelves and novels and the sun, and then he watched it slide away, back into emptiness... or not really _emptiness_, but more like _waiting_, waiting to become something that it was supposed to be.

The bookshelves reminded him of reading, and of books. He had liked them once. Were there books here? Where _was_ here, for that matter? Heaven? But that must mean... that he was dead? The thought didn't seem too worrying, although Remus felt like perhaps it should be. Was there someone who would be sad that he was dead? But who could be sad here? A poem drifted into his mind through the mist, a poem called _Heaven_ by someone named Patrick Phillips, and as he remembered it, it seemed like the verses became tangible in the fog.

_It will be the past  
and we'll live there together._

_Not as it was _to live_  
but as it is remembered,_

_It will be the past._  
_We'll all go back together._

_Everyone we ever loved,_  
_and lost, and must remember._

_It will be the past._  
_And it will last forever._

Satisfied with this, and the fact that poetry was still available to him, as well as feeling as though the poem was irrevocably true – and, for some reason, hoping it was dearly, although he wasn't sure why, Remus stood up and looked around. For the first time he realized that he was quite alone. He frowned at this, and wondered if the mist could not only turn into anything, but also _anyone_ that he chose. Because a small irritating thought dancing around the edges of his mind seemed to remind him that he was supposed to meet someone here – someone important. But as for whom it was, he couldn't quite seem to remember.

Before he could pin down the thought, Remus was distracted by the mist once more, as it started to change in front of him again. But this time he wasn't the one changing it. All of a sudden his surroundings shifted, and a great domed glass roof glittered high above him in sunlight. He was in a large, brilliant room, which was wide-open and shining and filled to the brim with possibility. There were suddenly benches that appeared, scattered all along the room, and gleaming train tracks, and a whistling, perfect train to go with the tracks, and then... _people._

Remus realized with a start that suddenly he was no longer alone. It wasn't like people had just formed out of thin air, though; it was more like they had always been there, but now Remus had noticed them. Some of them were staring into empty space, clearly unable yet to see their surroundings, but others were looking around and making eye contact with others peacefully.

So, thought Remus slowly, trying to muddle it all together, if these people were here too, then they must be dead as well. His heart sank a little at the thought, but then it lifted. It was happy here, bright and clean and nice, and he didn't pity the dead. He felt sad for the living though, who weren't here yet, and who missed the dead.

He looked around, wondering if he would see anyone he knew. He was supposed to meet someone here, he remembered again. Someone important, who had been waiting for him. He couldn't remember who, though...

His attempts to remember were cut off again when he finally saw someone he knew. It was Fred Weasley, who was standing and smiling at a small blonde boy who Remus thought he knew too. It took a moment, but then Remus remembered his name – Colin Creevey, a young boy who had been a student of his, once.

And then Remus did feel a little sad, because he realized why these two boys were here. They must have been killed in the battle – just like him. But they looked peaceful, unconcerned, and despite the fact that the possibilities of the rest of their lives stretching before them minutes ago had been cut short, and despite the fact that there were many people still alive who would be grieving for them, Remus knew that they were safe here, and happy, and would be reunited with their loved ones soon enough. So he smiled a little bemusedly and kept scanning the crowd, looking again for that someone. He saw Snape, which saddened him again, but mostly he just hoped Snape would soon find peace, and then next to him spotted Dumbledore, which surprised him a little, but it was just like Dumbledore to be waiting to greet the newly dead. Remus waved, and got a thumbs-up and a twinkly wink in return, and then kept looking.

As he examined the train, wondering where it was going and if the person he was supposed to be looking for was on it, someone tapped him on the shoulder. He smiled, and turned around, beaming, but his face fell a little when he saw who it was. It wasn't who he was looking for, he knew somehow.

She was smiling at him, but when she saw his disappointed face the smile slipped slightly. "You're looking for him, aren't you?" she asked quietly, stating it calmly as though she already knew the answer instead of asking him in an accusatory way. Remus felt excited – did she know who he was supposed to be meeting here? – but then felt guilty, for he had clearly let her down in some way. And then he realized why, for standing in front of him was Tonks.

"Dora," he said, quietly, almost reverently. For of course, she had been killed too. "I – I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling as though it was appropriate to apologize.

Tonks smiled gently back at him, clasping his hand to hers. "No," she said. "Don't be. I always knew that you loved him best, and that you never loved me in the way that I loved you. I tried to pretend, tried to force you to, when you so clearly didn't – so I'm the one who should be sorry."

Remus shook his head, remembering now. "No," he protested. "I did love you. Really, I did. Not in the same way, true," he allowed. "And for that I apologize, for I shouldn't have married you if I didn't love you the right way. But you made me happy, and I wasn't so lonely, and so I was selfish... and... you gave me Teddy."

Teddy. He suddenly remembered his son, and finally he felt sad for his own death. Sad for his son, who would grow up without a mother or a father, without knowing Remus.

But it would be alright. Teddy would be surrounded by his friends and loved ones, and he would have Harry, and his grandmother. And he would know why Remus had died – of a noble cause, fighting to keep the world less full of evil. Still, Remus was sad. It would be a long time before he would see his son again, and by then he would be grown-up, different. There was so much he wouldn't be able to teach his son.

He sighed. But Tonks was smiling at him, gently. "Thank you," she whispered. "That means a lot to me."

And Remus smiled back, embracing her softly. Then he laced his fingers through hers, and started to walk towards the train. "Are you ready to go?" he asked.

But she shook her head, not following him. "No, Remus."

Remus looked at her, confused. He had a strong feeling that they were supposed to get on the train and go... to wherever was next. On. So why wasn't Tonks coming?

"I'm not coming with you."

He stepped closer to her, baffled. "Why?"

"I'm going back." She was whispering now, her eyes imploringly golden, then green-gray, and finally settling on an honest brown. "I'm going back to watch over our son."

Remus paled a little, realizing what she meant. "Dora – but... you'll never get to come home." _Home_, he realized suddenly, was where the train would be taking them. Onward. To peace, to the next adventure.

She smiled softly, and in that smile was something he didn't understand. It was a smile less of pain, and more acceptance. Of excitement and mystery. "I'm going to watch him grow up, and be there for him. I think I'll live in Hogwarts for a while. Then maybe I'll stay in the Ministry, in the Auror's office... or perhaps my mother will let me stay with her, or the Potter's will."

She was rambling, and had let go of his hand. He didn't understand why she was going back. Tonks swallowed, and then reached out a hand to caress his face. "Remus," she said softly, gently, almost humming. "Do you really think I could be happy here? Watching you choose him, over me, as I know you would? I don't want to put either of us through that pain. So I go back willingly, to watch our son grow up, and his children grow up, and all the Lupins after that... all the Marauders who come after you. Everything I want is back home." There was that word again, home. She took a deep breath, and then tried to smile again. "Besides, I've always wondered what a Metamorphmagus ghost would look like."

And now Remus understood, even though he still couldn't remember this shadowy someone who eclipsed his thoughts, who Tonks felt so saddened by. He stepped forward and hugged her again, tightly. "I do love you, you know," he promised. "And I won't forget you."

She looked at him, full of a love that he couldn't return. "I'm counting on it."

He kissed her, and then let her go. "Watch over our son. Tell Teddy how much I loved him, how must _we _loved him. And still do. That I'm waiting for him."

"I will, every day. If you see Mad-eye, tell him... that I say hello." A pause, and then, "Goodbye, Remus." And she slipped away.

"Goodbye," he said, saddened. But still, his heart felt light, because who could feel sad here? His son would be watched over, and would remember.

And Remus had someone to find. He felt with ever-increasing certainty that it was time to figure out just who this someone – this mysterious _him_ – was. It was important.

He walked towards the large, lovely scarlet engine, noticing that several others were doing the same. He found a quiet empty compartment and sat down, and almost immediately the train began to move. It whispered forward, pulling away from the station, and suddenly there was just the train floating through the mist and everything else had disappeared.

Remus peered out through the window, wondering where he was going, feeling as though he were going to Hogwarts for the first time again and not knowing what to expect. As the train flew by he could see different things pass him by, bits of familiar scenery. And somehow he realized that everything he saw he had seen before, and that he was remembering parts of his life. He could feel himself grow younger again, growing more peaceful and carefree and buoyed up by life. It was strange – being dead made him feel more alive than he had in years.

He suddenly saw his parents through the encompassing mist, and he hesitated, wishing to get out and embrace them, but they looked so young, so happy, that he decided against it. He knew that there would be more than enough time to seek them out soon later, and besides, he had someone to find. Someone important, someone waiting.

So the train rolled on, beautiful landscapes coloring the window in front of him and then vanishing. Eventually the train rolled to a stop at a little house, but Remus frowned – this wasn't where _that person_ was waiting for him, somehow he knew that. But the train had stopped, as though this was an important place, and Remus reluctantly got up and stepped out of the train.

He entered the house, and sitting in front of him, grinning, were Lily and James. They looked the same as they had when Remus had last seen them, young and happy and in love, but it was a shock to look at his friend's faces and remember them in the exact way that memory never could.

They looked up at Remus and suddenly all three were laughing and crying, for apparently the dead could cry, and embracing and delighting in each other's company.

"Remus," said Lily, holding onto his hand and smiling as though she were about to cry with happiness. "Dear Remus."

And James looked at him and laughed, and punched his shoulder. "Still as straggly as ever, eh Moony?"

Eventually their euphoria turned quieter and more awed, and Lily turned to him and smiled again. "Thank you," she said reverently. "For watching over Harry."

James nodded. "You taught him the ways of the Marauder well, old friend."

"He is a true Marauder," agreed Remus. "And I did what I could, although I fear it was not nearly enough."

"It was more than enough," protested Lily. "You really did become the teacher that I always knew you'd be."

"And to make him Godfather to your own son..." said James, nearly unable to finish with the amount of emotion in his voice.

"Thank you," finished Lily.

They all stared at each other happily, deeply content in each other's company after so many years apart. But then Remus felt that little nagging thought in the back of his head again that someone was waiting for him, that he was missing someone.

James seemed to realize this, too, because he poked Remus and gestured towards the door. "He's waiting for you, just a bit further on."

"He's just been waiting there for ages," put in Lily. "He hardly ever comes round to tea these days, says he doesn't want to miss you."

"The wanker," added James affectionately. "Making us go out there to visit him."

Remus felt a great excitement well inside of him, and although he still didn't know who this mysterious person was, he knew that it was deeply important that he find him. He said goodbye, promising to come back to tea very soon, and then set out again. The train was gone, and the Potter's house was like an island, a little oasis of color and warmth among the drifting mist. Remus picked a direction and began to walk in it, fascinated as the scenery flickered and changed and created itself as he walked, wondering how it possibly worked.

He kept walking, trusting his feet to find where he needed to go. And sure enough, after an unknown amount of time he looked up and realized that in front of him was sprawling countryside, just like the old fields that he used to roam around in at the Lupin farm.

A great feeling of excitement built up deep inside of him, and he stumbled forward, nearly tripping. Remus looked up and realized that the sun had come out of hiding from somewhere and was now making everything pleasantly hot and toasty. He waded through grass that was nearly up to his waist and then looked around, spotting a couple of fat bumble bees lazily meandering around some bright flowers. He followed them, and they led him to a cool, shady place that was surrounded by hundreds of tiny clovers. The bees disappeared into the clovers and Remus looked up, his heard beating quickly and there he was, the _him_ he had been looking for –

Sirius. He was sitting down, lazing beneath a tree, and as Remus approached he scrambled to his feet, a look of fierce happiness on his face. He broke out into a grin, _that_ grin, the one he had always saved for Remus, and Remus could hardly breathe. Sirius had lost all of the harshness that the years in Azkaban had forced on his demeanor, and he was young again, young and tall and handsome, his hair gorgeous and perfectly mussed, his limbs long like a foal's. He loped forward with an easy grace towards Remus.

Remus grinned, beaming, unable to shake off the sudden fierce happiness that blazed through him, and unwilling to ever do so again. Sirius. _Sirius!_

He walked forward, hardly able to manage even that, his happiness so intense he was nearly blinded by it.

"It's all I have to bring today, this, and my heart beside, this and my heart, and all the fields, and all the meadows wide," said Sirius, and Remus's breath was stolen from him as he let Sirius's voice affect him, remembered exactly what the perfect cadences of the young Sirius were like, remembered what his memory had allowed to be stolen from him.

"Be sure you count, should I forget – some one the sum could tell – " said Remus, somehow managing to find his voice and speak. Sirius shivered, his grin growing wider, Remus's voice affecting him in the same way.

"This, and all my heart, and all the bees, which in the clover dwell," Sirius finished, reaching out to his lover, and they embraced.

It was better than he could have remembered it being – more heart-pounding, more full of love, more _alive_ than Remus had ever remembered. Remus was suddenly full of Sirius, full of his scent, and of the way his body felt, of the particular lines and symmetries and angles that made up Sirius, _his_ Sirius. It had been so long since Remus could perfectly recall the exact color of Sirius's eyes, or the way his face had looked, and Remus stared hard into Sirius's perfect, beautiful face, tracing a hand over his cheeks and his chin. Then he let himself melt into Sirius, into his mouth and his chest and his arms, let his world align back into the way it was supposed to be.

When he stepped back, still holding onto Sirius's hand, he still couldn't stop beaming up at him. Sirius, too, had to take a deep, shuddering breath, his eyes gleaming with happiness, letting his fingers trail up Remus's arm and trying to relearn everything that had been stolen from him.

"Hello, gorgeous," said Sirius finally, and Remus couldn't help himself from laughing and smiling and feeling utterly foolish, like a teenager in love for the first time again.

"Hullo," managed Remus, his mouth nearly aching from smiling so widely, which felt like the most delicious feeling in the world.

Sirius pulled Remus down towards the shade, settling among the clovers. Sirius had his back up against a tree and Remus sat leaning against him, his head on Sirius's chest, soothed by his heartbeat. He listened with awe at the sound, wondering how it was possible for the dead to have such beautiful heartbeats.

"I've been waiting for you," said Sirius, his voice full of pride and love and happiness.

Remus smiled, softly this time. "I never doubted it even for a moment. Lily told me that you've been neglecting her and James, though."

Sirius scoffed, and Remus delighted at the sound. "Bollocks," he said. "Besides, I couldn't leave this field, now could I? What if you'd of gone and died and I wasn't around to meet you?"

He almost had to smile at the casual way Sirius treated death. It had seemed like such a mystery, such a terrifying ordeal before, but now... it almost seemed funny. Like the most natural, easiest thing in the world.

"What indeed," mocked Remus, snuggling against Sirus.

"Mmm," said Sirius, staring down at Remus's freckles. "So what's this I hear about a certain young lady named Tonks, then?"

"I remember a certain wanker making me promise to find someone else, don't you? Not that I was terribly happy, of course, but it was better than offing myself I suppose." Remus, too, found that he could suddenly joke about death as though it were a friend who had the annoying tendency to stick its nose into other people's business. "I do have a son, now, though," he added thoughtfully, more than a little pride in his voice.

"Keeping up the Marauder legacy, I see," said Sirius, a little teasingly, his voice proud, too. "Though I think you should have named him Sirius, instead of Teddy. I'm glad you found someone, though. Even if she wasn't as spectacular as me. What was it like, then, being married to my cousin?"

"'How should we like it were stars to burn, with a passion for us we could not return'?" quoted Remus.

"W. H. Auden?" guessed Sirius, a little smugly.

Remus started in surprise, twisting his head up to look at Sirius. "Yeah. How'd you know?"

"I met him."

At this ridiculous statement Remus had to smack Sirius lightly, awkwardly reaching up to hit his shoulder. "You liar."

"No really! I did. We had a nice chat, once, when he was strolling through. He was quite friendly, although he reminded me of you, which made me sad."

Remus made a small noise of unhappiness at this and sat up, kissing Sirius. Sirius was smiling though, waving away Remus's distress at this statement. He pulled Remus back down onto his lap, and Remus resettled himself with his head against the crook of Sirius's neck and shoulder.

"Who else have you met, then?"

"Shakespeare."

Remus let out a gasp, his eyes widening. "No!"

"Yeah."

A dreamy sigh escaped Remus's lips, and he decided it was so wonderful he had to believe it. "Wow, Pads. Shakespeare."

"He was very cool. Gave me a copy of his latest play."

This Remus could not believe, and he rolled his eyes.

"I haven't met Emily Dickinson yet, though."

"We'll have to go looking for her, then."

The sun was beginning to set, painting the sky in beautiful apricot and cinnamon and amethyst and navy. Remus wondered lazily how this was possible, but then decided that anything was possible here. He snuggled against Sirius, yawning a little, suddenly tired. Dying was an exhausting business, he decided.

"Moony?" came Sirius's voice, softly.

"Hmm? What'sit, Pads?"

"I love you." A smile blossomed on Remus's face. He had forgotten how wonderful it was to hear those words.

"I love you, too." The same smile was now gracing Sirius's face, and he clasped Remus tighter to him.

"Just wanted to make sure you remembered."

"How could I forget?"

"Perhaps all of the poetry crowded it out of your head," suggested Sirius.

Remus grinned, and then sat up, leaning forward to kiss Sirius breathless.

They would stay there all night, realized Remus happily, and perhaps they would stay there among the clover for all the next day, until forever passed them by, leaving only to visit family and good friends or to drink tea with Lily and James, or to seek out Emily Dickinson. It was a good place, this field of clover, a beautiful place in which there was no moon, only millions upon millions of perfect, beaming stars that shone down on the two lovers nestled together, content in each others arms at last.


End file.
